Discovering I'm a "Terrible, terrible person"

So I read my sister's blog. We have very different world views and there are things that she writes that make me legitimately angry. I love her dearly, though, and we pretty much always are able to discuss enough so that I can learn why I am angry and what made me angry and so that I can understand where she comes from enough so that I can learn to empathize with her in the future.(And also, to be able to calm down) This is my general reaction towards most things in this life, really.

As such, in general to start these conversations I comment on her blog. Sometimes that means I have discussions with people who aren't my sister. And this is how I came to learn I'm a "terrible, terrible person."

\This is not a blog post about the conversation I had, nor is it about whether or not I believe I'm a terrible person. (I don't) This is about my reaction to it.

Let's be honest, every once in a while for the past few days I have gotten painful bouts of anxiety and the repeat of these words in my head. It's honestly a terrible and painful experience for me to go through, because I came off as a terrible person while trying to understand a person. (Tangent: Part of how I work is that the act of putting forth the effort to understand someone makes it inevitable that you will love that person, it as an act of love to me; as such, I began opening my heart to this person because they confused me so.)

 First off, there's the anxiety of "failure." I'm a perfectionist, if you're not aware; and as such, Doing things wrong really bother me. I don't like losing, and I in a way to make my perfectionism "safe" to me I make the world a game into simple "win" and "lose," this is a loss.

Secondly, there's the worry and anxiety of, am I really a "terrible, terrible person?" I don't want to be that and I get real honest pain from the fact that someone thinks I am. Yes, I know that it's ridiculous to think that everyone in this world can think I'm an awesome person, but whether realistic or not it is a goal I aspire to. I sincerely wish to live in a way that people can love me. My biggest plan towards this is to live in a way where I can open myself to love everyone, including, and most importantly, myself. (Tangent: I say this in recognition that that is not always a guarantee, but I also know that I cannot sacrifice myself for other's "love" because that will not be love.)

Lastly, I it's only bouts of anxiety because I don't believe it. Partly because as soon as my sister read it she called to make sure I'm aware I'm not because she understands me well enough to know that even from a complete stranger, that hurts me. Partly because I can look back and see that while I did misspeak I also was not a terrible person in our debate. I felt(and my sister confirmed) that I was loving in my speech and in my attempt to understand. I was I perfect? Clearly not. Was I me? Definitely! Was I, or am I, a terrible person? No, I believe I wasn't.

This is new to me, I think. From what I know of me, I was a bad muddah, who took no crap from nobody(10 brownie points if you get the quote!)...while still believing everything mean or terrible anyone ever said about me. The fact that they said that and I didn't believe it...feels new.

High School and what if's..and maybe a tangent or two.

Once upon a time, I worked at a high school. I hated my job, I really did. OH WAIT! That's right now... OH WELL


That was a really good segue into what I wanted to write about, which is who were you in high school? (BOOM, MIND BLOWN at how good that segue was.)

For me? I was the weirdest combination of overachiever and slacker, snobby and friendly, shy and outgoing, and probably most of the opposites you can think of.  The reason I've been thinking of this? I work in a high school duh! Oh, and I've been talking to one of the teachers who's room I clean about her students and how I was in high school. Which was the kind of student she loves or hates the most(This once again sounds familiar)  Seriously though, to be frank, I'm smart, I'm attentive(most of the time) I'm a deep thinker(some of you may have discovered this for the first time on my blog, Zack, I'm looking at you :p ) I TRULY love learning, I always have. Yet... I was truly a slacker. Don't get me wrong, I worked hard at being a slacker, but I was definitely a slacker. I made my own rules and lived by them, my rules said that if I did well on the tests I was learning what I needed to learn. To be honest though, if I didn't do well I started putting even LESS effort into the class. (It's not a rare occurrence for me to want to go back and punch high school Justin in the face. He was a punk.)

And...then I got distracted by facebook and I don't remember where I was going with this...



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    l l
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If you can't tell, that was me sticking my tongue out at you.


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RIGHT! So, I hoped you enjoyed that brief intermission...


 Okay, so I was a punk in high school, right? OKAY, I'm gonna be honest here, I don't remember where I was going so we're going in a whole new direction. Probably, unless this was what I intended I can't remember so I can't really deny whether or not it was.


But I don't think it was..


Do you ever go back through your life and wish things had happened differently? Are there choices in your life that you wonder who would be if you hadn't made this particular decision?! This is why Sci-Fi absolutely fascinates me. For me, the biggest decision that has the most profound and infinite impact on my life was the decision to quit football and join marching band. Most people when they hear that make fun of me at least a little bit, which is fair, for in the normal scheme of high school social hierarchy that's the wrong direction. For me though, it changed my life in a truly infinite and immeasurable way. The people I talk to most in my life, who's presence in my life(aside from my family) is the most important and impacting of my life can be traced directly to band and marching band.

...But what if I had stayed in football? My marching band probably tried to enforce academic eligibility.. but I didn't ever get punished for having terrible grades. Football though? If I wanted to play football my mother would not have had to help me do 20ish packets the last term of my senior year and I'm pretty sure I would have been cleared to graduate much sooner than 20 minutes before the deadline. I like to think I would have been good at it, I have the desire, and I feel, capacity, to be good at everything I do. I was pretty athletic back then(I know, hard to believe, right?)  I could run really well, and I LOVED hitting people. It just felt good to knock the snot out of someone, y'know? Who knows what might have happened? Maybe I would have been good enough someone somewhere would have said, hey! You're good, come play for us, we'll give you a scholarship. Or maybe I might not have even ever played in high school, I really don't know; but there's a part of me that would give up what I have just to find out! Maybe it would be better, maybe it wouldn't. I might have ended up right where I am doing theater anyways(because I DID discover my love for theater before I quit football) Maybe someone would have recruited me to come play for them and I'd be a college graduate right now working somewhere.

These are the things that I obsess about sometimes. I love and hate what if's. They're the things that cause me the most anxiety and they're what brings the most hope into my life. It's the question that drives me forward as much as it holds me back. What holds YOU back? What makes you, you?

Tis the Season for Political Stuff. My thoughts on Gay Marriage.

This is something that I've thought a lot about.

Gay Marriage: Where I stand on it, why, and how I came to that conclusion.

First off, I'm mostly for it being legal. But mostly, I want to ban marriage as a government institution and put in it's place Civil/Legal Unions. These things can have the same basic legal benefits as a current marriage. I'm okay with that.

Why? Because though marriage is a sacred institution(to me) between a man, a woman, and God(This being the most important part) Marriage is recognized as a basic right for all humanity in the United States of America. As such, I feel we do not have a legal right to object to gay marriage as a legal institution. BUT I very strongly feel that marriage is sacred. This is where disallowing marriage as a governmental institution comes in. Government interference has long deteriorated the sanctity of this holy ordinance. From making it easier to get divorced and now for the legal battle of whether gays have the right to be married.

 (On the divorce thing, I have not done enough research and I don't know enough to say whether or not it's better or worse in the long run but it has definitely cheapened what marriage is in society's view)

Continuing on: I personally feel and there are studying backing this up that children have the best chance of success throughout their lives if they have both a father and a mother in the home. In theory, having 2 parents is better than 1 whether or not they are of the same sex. This is why I would rather see marriage as it is today be allowed for a homosexual couple than completely disbanded as  a legal institution with no legal benefits for having a committed partnership. I feel it is better for society in the long run to encourage coming together to form a family rather than single parenthood.

(Don't get me wrong, I know some amazing people that have come from single parent households)

Marriage as a holy institution can and should live on. I have grown up in the Mormon church, we have always held special wedding ceremonies that specifically seal the husband and wife not just to each but to God. It is my belief(not a fact, just an assumption) that most Christian and non-Christian religions already do this. That is why they get married in churches. They want God in their relationship. People already get married in a courthouses or without religious intent this will not change that AT ALL; but here's the thing. In order for this to work there needs to be legal safety for a church to deny performing any marriage in their building. This is scary ground because it does allow the possibility of all kinds of discrimination. Because you have to allow for the right to deny anyone to allow for the sanctity of the marriage in the eyes of not only the couple, but frankly, also the parishioner who performs the marriage.

Here's the problems that I see. There's a lot of semantics involved here. Basically, gay rights activists will have "won." Which some people will have a problem with. Like I said, I feel that legally it has been defined as a basic right so as such cannot be denied.

Gay rights activists might feel like other party wins because we are redefining the legal definition of the words marriage. So technically...they aren't getting married.

My assumption is that the gay couples that wish to invite God into their relationship(which is weird to me but I'm sure it's bound to happen) will find a place that will accept them into their congregation and wed them. If not...well that could be a problem.

Is there anything else that I didn't see? Is this totally crazy? Is it too much of a compromise for both sides? Is it possible it could be deemed as a win win? I would really love feedback here. Share it with whomever you think would find this proposition interesting. It's not perfect, but it works in my head. With my views on life and my compassion for all people to find happiness and success in this life this is what I've come up with; so please, once again, talk about this with me, tell me if I'm crazy. Tell me if I'm smart(this is something I truly approve of)

This is something I've thought about while going along my Grand Adventure.

Sometimes I get asked questions..

So a friend of mine on facebook is doing some research(presumably for an assignment) and asked me some questions and here are my responses! First the Questions.

- Did you have performing arts experience growing up? If so, what did you do and when did you begin?
- Do you have a performing arts major (theatre, dance, music)? If not, do you plan on getting one? If so, in what?
- Could you list some of your experience?
- In your opinion, what top 3 things contribute to success in an individual pursuing performing arts? What do you consider to be success?

The closest thing to performing experience I had growing up was the primary programs in church. Though my mom did make me sing a solo in church once. I hated her for it.
I did start in 8th grade with my mom forcing me to take a drama class. Once again I hated it, but my friends that I made in that class did convince me to try out for the musical that year. I LOVED IT. So I did my first show my 8th grade year continued doing it my 9th grade year. Got into my first community show that summer.

 I do not have any schooling or education in theater, I want to teach it someday since I love it though so I want to get whatever it takes for a theater education degree.

Some of my biggest/favorite parts I've played are Adam in the Complete Works of William Shakespeare Abridged at UVU, Mr Mushnik in Little Shop of Horrors at the Scera, Fakir in Secret Garden at, Mr Pinky(and various other characters) in Hairspray, and Topper in Chrismas Carol all at the Hale Center Theater Orem. In total I've done 30 shows most of them being Chorus roles. I've also had some directing experiences at Lakeridge Junior High School and as a coach for their Shakespeare Team.

The 3 most important things in my success in theater are passion for the art and the joy it brings me. Honesty and the ability to bear my soul while performing; and finally, God given talent. Most things in theater can be learned but there are some things that you just need to be incredibly talented to do.

I consider success in theater in varying degrees. First degree, am I enjoying it? Is it worth my time? Second Degree, am I growing and progressing? Third, if you're talented enough are you getting paid for it? Can you live doing this?  Success is defined by what you want out of theater. For me, I LOVE it and I love the growth that theater puts me through and I'm making some money so that I can justify my time spent doing it fiscally as well as emotionally.

I just hadn't thought about these things like this before. This struck me as something awesome. For anyone that has read much of my blog you might understand how important theater is in my life. Here's the biggest thing about theater for me. I'm crazy, I have self hatred and the self doubt to rival anyone put on this earth, as such, having people PAY money to come see me do something I love and APPLAUD me for it. It's very good for me. It gives me a sense of confidence to out into the crazy world and try things that without that confidence I wouldn't ever do. Like talk to people. This blog serves much the same purpose, by letting my brain vomit out into the world to see that people either enjoy it, sympathize with me, or are feeling the same things it's comforting. 

Things that make me giggle/happy.

Winning, seriously, If I'm ever doing amazing at a game, I start giggling.

People from Russia like my blog. Russia provides my blog with the 2nd most visitors(Though it's not quite close 5400 to 84.. COME ON RUSSIA, GET YOUR GAME ON!)

Russia is ahead of #3 Germany by 44 though, so go Russia!

UK and Canada come in at #'s 6 and 7. Come on English speaking countries, represent!

For the first 2000 page views(so like the first 2 1/2 years) Firefox had a 90% usage rate. Now they're at a declining 21% to Chrome's 65%.

The fact that people from over 12 countries have at least visited my blog. This makes me giggle.

People imitating my giggle, makes me giggle. Seriously, I have a funny laugh.

I make me giggle, I'm freaking hilarious.

Dumb people, when they do dumb things.

Boys acting like girls, this makes me giggle.

Dungeons and Dragons, the idea of it makes me giggle.

Playing it makes me so happy I giggle.

Attempting to adopt a Kobald as a pet while playing Dungeons and Dragons makes me giggle. (It's name was gonna be peggy, cuz he/she/it had a peg leg, someone killed her and made me very sad.)

The fact that when I play Dungeons and Dragons I'm a NINJA HALFING...That doesn't know how to Ninja. Seriously, missed a sleeping bear. I WAS STANDING OVER IT. It's cool Kane, someday you'll get this Ninja thing down.

My cat is crazy, this makes me giggle.

Torturing my cat in a very nice way that she doesn't like makes me giggle. (Nothing inhumane, but she is a punk and needs to know who's boss)

My t-shirts make me giggle. I have funny t-shirts, if you know me you know the truth of this statement. If you do not know me, we shall become friends and you will come to learn the truth of this statement.

Using big long unnecessary words makes me giggle.

Politics makes me giggle in a depressed sort of way. It's so SILLY and yet we're deciding who will lead our country, towns, and states. SILLY

My friends make me giggle, so much.

The word giggle makes me giggle.

The thought of midgets and monkeys makes me laugh. EVERY TIME. There's not even a picture associated with it in my head, just the two of em together makes me GIGGLE.

Being in a play, makes me giggle.

Acting like a girl makes me giggle.

Acting gay makes me giggle

Taking on the persona of Senor Fuego the Flaming makes me giggle. (An over the top gay stereotype impersonation of a Spanish Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast... I got bored back stage one day, okay?!)

The idea of me being mature enough to be in charge of even Junior High Students(Hence why El Fuego even exists)

The rememberence of when I was in another city in charge of junior high students. Don't worry, I did NOT have a heart attack, I call this winning which again makes me giggle.

This joke makes me giggle. A blonde walked into a bar and said ow.

This joke makes me giggle. An infinite number of blondes walk into a bar and say ow. ow ow. ow. ow. ow .ow .ow .ow .ow .ow .ow. ow. ow.  FOREVER <--- ME GIGGLING RIGHT NOW

Watching plays makes me giggle

Being in love makes me giggle.

Being in like makes me giggle.

Being twitterpated makes me giggle.

Having a show crush makes me giggle.

Pretending like my show crush is fake and ACTUALLY having a crush on said show crush makes me giggle.

Having an actual fake show crush makes me giggle.

Having a fake show crush that I pretend is real makes me giggle.

When a pretty girl smiles at me, I giggle.

When a really good friend winks at me I giggle(Male or female, let's be honest here)

Sticking my tongue out at random strangers makes me giggle.

When the stranger's child sticks their tongue out at me and gets caught by there parents I giggle.

Pretending the child started it makes me giggle.

Dancing makes me giggle.

I'm still giggling about that blonde joke.

OW. OW. OW. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Giggling again.

Pretending to hit on/hitting on one of my married friends jokingly. (Once again, let's be honest. Male or Female)

Trying to hold hands with my best friend Zack interdigitated style.

^_^ <--- THIS SMILEY! The story of how I found this smiley also makes me giggle!

Story time! Once upon a time I did this thing called playing World of Warcraft. I can't say that I was ever addicted to it, but I had fun. and I met this random person because well... I was being me. In Barrens chat. The place where noobs go to pretend they know what they're doing and for the people that know what they're doing to act like noobs. As such, I was in no man's land between knowing what I was doing and TRYING to act like a noob. (It's more fun that way) and I made a friend! We got know each other really well over the next few weeks. It was weird! But she was awesome, she was a stay at home mom with a new born and she got bored so we became good friends because there's an endless list of things that make me giggle. But moral of the story, she taught me that smiley and it's kind of changed my life. It's a smiley that's pretty much unique to me(and her). I never see anyone else use it! I love it! It makes me giggle ^_^

And last but not least, in fact, the very thought that inspired this entire post! (AND which I left off of the first go round) The fact that I had a visitor from both North and South Carolina within 24 hours of each other!

There's a million more things that make me giggle that I can't think of at the top of my head. But here is a pretty complex list of things that make me giggle. Maybe some of my gigglings will make you giggle too!

De Liebster Award

  So I was nominated for this award by Jeannie at One Wish Short of Paradise. Which is cool, I'm glad she enjoys my blog ^_^ Her friendship means a lot to me!

Some basic facts about the Liebster Award. Liebster means dearest in German. It's meant to highlight newer bloggers. Anyone with less than 200 follorwers. Some fun thoughts about what I could find about it's origins. It was original spread to 5 people(these things interest me)and there were no questions involved. But it's cool, so I'm still gonna do it!

Here are the basic rules to the game.

• Each person must post 11 things about themselves. 
• Answer the questions the nominator asked, and create 11 questions for your nominees to answer.
• Choose 11 people and link them in your post.
• Go to their page and tell them.

• No tag-backs. (You tagged back! I'm telling mom!)  

11 things about my self will either be way too hard or way too easy. Depending on what I feel like sharing today. (I'm not good at sharing things about myself)

1. Surprise! I do LOTS of theater! (You would never know that, because I never ever write about it on my blog. Right? (If you didn't get it, that was a little bit sarcastic; but! It's such an important part of who I am that I have to right it down which is something you may not have actually known.)

2. I strive to live my life like a 4 year old in all but dependency, but my mom is so awesome that when I do achieve a 4 year old's dependency she'll still take care of me. (Also, I try to avoid a 4 year old's hygiene)

3. I love people. I talking to them, I love sitting away from people just listening to them. I love sitting so far away from people that I can just watch them. I love hugging them, I love just being near people, I love watching people do stupid things, I love watching people astound me, I love when sometimes I see a girl and I'm literally dumbstruck by how gorgeous she is(happens more often than you'd think!)

4. I love playing dress up, either in costumes or just getting dressed really nice. I love looking good. When I dress up fancy I look in the mirror everytime and say, well flinkers Justin you look good

5. I enjoy making up swear/curse/interjection/expletive words.

6. I talk to myself. A LOT. I talk to myself in different accents(that's when it gets embarrassing because then it's out loud) Sometimes I have conversations with myself, which also merits responding out loud at times. My brain never stops going.

7. I'm thinking always. Unless I'm exhausted, in shock, or doing something that completely deadens my brain(like video games. Oh blessed video games without you I would go crazy)

8. I HATED English class, which is weird because I love reading, I've now learned I love writing, and I'm a perfectionist so you think I'd enjoy knowing all the rules so that I don't look a fool in front of other people.

9. I am a deeply emotional person but unless you're incredibly close to me you may never actually see it other than when I'm on stage.

10. It's a big thing if I cry more than one tear. I can count the times I've shed more than one tear in the last 5 years on one hand.

11. I hate normal swear words, not because I'm offended by them but because they make people look stupid. People use them wrong! It's annoying! Swear words are expletive because they are words of power! But if you don't care about the holiness of sex WHY do you use the f word? What does it matter that you're referring to planting seed?! (Just so you know, when I hear the f word used I automatically insert the phrase planting seed...if I ever laugh at you for using the f word. You now know why) People have cheapened swear words to the point where they are no longer offensive so that makes their use obnoxious, unintelligent and grammatically incorrect. That is why I feel they make people look stupid. Also, I enjoy the fact that whenever people hear me swear(especially if I ever swear at them in anger) people are shocked and astounded by the way I use them.

Now it's time for Jeannie's questions for me!

1 If you could be an animal you would be?

Eagle, I LOVE EAGLES. Also, Dragon would be more preferred over than. Second Gryphon, then eagle. Eagles in my mind represent power, beauty, grace, and freedom.

2. Why do you blog?

Because everyone else was doing it! (Seriously, that's why I started my blog) I continued because I had things on my mind. Remember the I'm always thinking thing?(see #7) This gives me a place to put those thoughts down so that I can stop obsessing over them in my head. 

3. Favorite piece of furniture (and it can't be your bed!)?

My bed actually isn't my favorite piece of furniture. I don't enjoy sleeping I wish I didn't have to do it. I like my couches though, they're comfy. 

4. What is your signature dance move?

Probably the Tango...Okay, maybe not. I'm gonna go with pelvic thrust.

5.Character in a movie/book you related to most?

Can I go with all of them? I read books because I see myself in the main character. From Bilbo's curmudgeonness and desire for a warm bed and bacon to Rand Al'Thor's desire to just do good despite the fact that he's destined to be the world's destruction and, in his death, it's savior. (The Hobbit and the Wheel of Time series)

6.Number one place you never want to go?

I can't think of anywhere I never want to go. There's beauty in all places and in all things. All of it is God's creation.

7. Worst fashion mistake of all time?

My everyday wardrobe? Maybe? Haha, I don't give a lick to fashion, if I can say to myself before I go out I look good then it doesn't matter what other people think of me. 

8. Favorite word?

THERE ARE TOO MANY GOOD ONES! I love words, there are so many fantastic words in this world. That's why I love theater, poetry, and most especially literature! The way some authors can paint entire worlds with just words astounds me! I love all words and Shakespeare was perhaps the greatest wordsmith of all time. 

9. Guilty pleasure? 

Theater! Haha, I devote myself to it every day of every year. If I could be happy without theater I would have so much more time to devote myself to more "productive" things, but theater is my life and I would want it no other way. 

10. Thoughts on breakfast?

Don't enjoy it, I love love love love love love breakfast foods. I don't like eating in the morning though.

11. If you were a tree, what tree would you be?

I'd be the burning bush? Is that blasphemous? Seriously though, I love fire. But I would be an out of place giant one sitting atop a lonely mountain with a view of the entire world.

Now it's YOUR 11 questions!
1. Favorite mystical/mythical animal?
2. Favorite place
3. Most random childhood memory
4. What is something about yourself that you're proud of?
5. What is something awesome about yourself that I may not know?
6. Favorite number.
7. What are your feelings on the matter of cheese? 
8. Favorite book or series, if not possible favorite genre.
9. A quote you love?
10. Someone you look up to in history
11. Someone you admire in present day?

So... I don't read 11 blogs. But here are the blogs I DO read.
Jeffe at Jeff's Thoughts and Stories
Jenfer at Only a Little Sugar Coated
Mellen at One in a Mellen
Mary at For What We Can Not Understand
(I also read Jeannie Leigh Jones, whom was mentioned in the beginning of this blog. But I can't "tag her back" I'll get in trouble.)

Graduating/Shabblefrack

 Once upon a time, I was in therapy. I say was because I...graduated? It was kind of funny going in for my last session. We talked about how I'm not completely better, I could still work towards a life without my BIG anxieties.(Y'know, the ones that make me feel like a terrible person.)He and I both felt that I showed incredible improvement from when I started therapy. I honestly feel like I'm not in a constant state on anxiety.  Yes, I still get anxious, but I get anxious rather than my anxiety level rising to unbearable levels and my body shuts down.(along with my brain and emotions) So basically, I've gotten better though I won't ever be "cured."

In an effort to make sure I stay in my improved more healthy state of mind, we also talked about looking at life through a different lens. Rather than starting on the inside, from where I feel my self worth is, look at the things I've done from an outside perspective. Let my actions define my self worth rather than my perceived blown out of proportion view of the world.

 (For those of you not aware, basically I'm really good at accepting people for who they are, their flaws, and their amazing goodnesses(totally a word)  Myself? I hold myself to a higher standard while placing myself below everyone. As such, someone else does something stupid I look at it in an almost condescending way and say that's okay. I do something stupid? I become the most terrible person in the WORLD. Truth. Well...that's what my head says. )

So now, we continue with the last words of advice. Don't let my blown out of proportions be my looking glass. Find a different perspective to look at. Specifically for me, this is in regards to self worth. Because based on observations and hints from my friends. I have reason to believe I might be an awesome guy. This is surprising to me because clearly, I am the most terrible person in the world. He even gave me a a nifty worksheet for me to right my crazy down on and then find a rational response to what just happened. Unfortunately I'm still working on even identifying when I have one of those crazy thoughts; but I'm getting it!

This is kind of an amazing thought to me, because I'm in love with a song from Prince of Egypt called Through Heavens Eyes. Because those are they eyes I strive to see myself through. Because God has granted me the amazing gift of seeing my friends through his eyes. Sometimes I struggle with it, yes. Sometimes I refuse to believe what I'm seeing or ignore it or take it for granted, yes. But God has granted me that gift to see others that way. Yet I've never allowed myself to look at me that way. I look through my looking glass of "I'm not worthy", of "Why would someone care for me?", of "Idiot", "Monster", "Crazy", "evil, sinner, wrong."

Basically, what I'm trying to get it at is this. I'm saying, "Go suck it Justin, you're awesome no matter what you say about yourself. Yeah, you're gonna mess up sometimes. That won't make you an idiot. Yeah, you're gonna do things you regret. That doesn't make you a bad person. But you know what? You're just gonna say, ShabbleFRACK" (because sometimes it's more fun to make up a curse word than to actually swear) And say, "SHABBLEFRACK," again just for emphasis, "Justin, gosh darnnit, you're still awesome because you do things like make up swear words, hold the door open for people to go through, make people smile on a daily basis, laugh like there's no tomorrow, love everyone around you, and you're going to sing your heart out because that's what you do. Those are the things I love about you, and I've heard some other people say they love that about you too. Justin, just say Flibblegack and remind yourself that you're awesome Justin. You deserve it." 

Accepting Yourself

Once upon a time I had a very intense conversation with my parents and sister. Laying out all my faults, fears, and monstrosities. The reasons why I don't like me...No, that's not strong enough, the reasons why I hate me. Which I do, for many reasons. The next day, after my intense conversation, one of my dear friends Jeannie Ames asked me to write a post on loving and accepting ourselves as we are...My first reaction was... OMG I miss your face Jeannie Leigh! My second reaction, to the other things she said made me cry(literally, I ACTUALLY CRIED! If you're new to my writings, that doesn't happen a lot) The last was that since this is something that I feel like I struggle with myself and yet maintain an edifying positivity to those around me.  I decided I should write this. That was a week ago, I've been trying to think about this nonstop... but the right words didn't ever come until I stopped thinking about it.

First off, think of who you are. Why are you that way? Is that a person you do or don't like? For me, it's a person I hate. Do you hate yourself, the way you look, your personality, the way you treat others or don't? Why do you feel that way? For me, I put everyone else on a pedestal. I view everyone else as Godly and amazing and perfect. Clearly when something goes wrong it's because I did something wrong. Is that correct? NO! It's 100% false. So examine yourself, do you place others on pedestals either above or below yourself? Because you feel other people(maybe not all) are better or worse off than yourself? Here's really what I'm getting at, define how you view yourself and those around you. Is there a problem there? For me, I hold myself to a standard of perfection. I berate myself with my failures as a daily exercise. I use those failures as proof I'm not good enough to succeed. I use them as justification from shying away from the success I feel I should have had by now. Then I use the fact that I hold myself back as further proof of my failures and the likelihood of me failing again, so why even try? This is what I suffer from, there are a myriad of things that anybody can suffer through.

Now, if we've defined some, not all we're taking baby steps here, of our problems we can begin to change ourselves towards a more positive light. So here's where we brag about ourselves. I tell myself, I'm not a failure, I have brought good into many people's lives Jeannie thankfully among them. My family among them. Despite my failures, I can still go on and do all the things I've wanted to do. I HAVE had successes in some of the things that mean most in my life. For me, I LOVE theater, I crave it with every fiber of my being and guess what? I'M GOOD AT IT! Despite the fact that sometimes I feel I'm not good enough to succeed at anything I continue to succeed at something. I guess what I'm trying to say, is no matter how much you dislike yourself there is ALWAYS something good in you. If you can't find it, ask someone, they'll find it for you. Here's my recommendation though, sit down for at least 10 minutes(but 30 is better) and right down good things about you. ANYTHING GOOD! Find things to love about you. Find one thing a day to accept. Then every day read that list and add one more. This can be anything! Including, I smiled at a stranger today and they smiled back. While working out today, I did my best. Anything that makes you feel good about who you are, write it down and appreciate it about yourself. If you are struggling with finding these things in yourself, once again find someone that loves you and let them shower good things about you upon your head. If you struggle finding a person in your life that will do this for you, then go do something for someone that you can be proud of. Go do the thing your best at and be proud of that.

Now here's the hardest part. (well, at least for me it is) If there's something about you that you've done, something about you that you don't like. Say to yourself, that's a part of me. I love me for that. I accept this in my life, and I can grow and learn from it. This will be a part of me forever because it is a part of me today. I am not defined by my failures, I am not controlled by my fears or shame, I will always in my life have good and bad parts of me. These things do not define me or control me. They are a part of me always and I strive always to accept them into my life, to learn from my failures, to conquer my fears and to seek my dreams.

Now I know the kind of psychological disorders that cause us to look at ourselves with shame, fear, anger, or what ever emotion it is that is driving you to punish yourself in some way; they're intense, they're deep, they're very much embedded into our personality and our life philosophy. These things are going to be life long battles, but there is always hope for when you've learned once that you're worth loving it's easier and easier to learn again. Know that if ever you struggle in life there will always be someone there that will help you see that you're worth loving if you let them. Some days you will be weak, some days you will be strong. Sometimes you'll want to give up and sometimes you'll be on top of the world. Accept these days the same, they are what have shaped you into the person you are today and they are the things that will shape you into the person you dream of being.

These are just some thoughts I've had on my journey, my grand adventure called life.
Justin Stockett

PS. Something that will help, that you should know. Know that God loves you, God accepts you for who you are. God remembers not your failures and glorifies your successes. He loves you more than anybody on this planet ever could comprehend. If you're currently struggling with seeing God in your life then once again sit down and look at all the things to be grateful for, the more you open your eyes with gratitude the more miracles we see every day.

PPS If you're reading this on my blog, here's the link to Jeannie's blog(the reason I'm writing this) http://jeannieleigh.blogspot.com/

PPPS If you're reading this and what to read more of my thoughts here's the link to my blog!
http://stockett228.blogspot.com/

PPPPS Here's my sister's blog who has dealt with a billion different issues and is finally coming out on top.
http://stillme-thejourney.blogspot.com/

Why I do Theater

This is half self explanation and half self exploration. Basically... I plan on telling you about me by telling me about me. Sabe? Good. If not, just reread that until you get it. You'll get there eventually. If not, you can read on anyways and you'll probably get it in context. If you still don't get it, well you'll have joined me on my  adventure anyways and had the fun with me anyways...so I guess what I'm saying is that it doesn't really matter if you did get it, does it?

Why I do theater, it's pretty simple right? I like when people look at me/pay attention to me, (seriously, want to make me feel good about myself/loved?) so being on stage is good. I like when people praise me, so when people applaud for me, is good. I like being validated so when people pay to see me on stage and then applaud my performance, this is also good. Seriously though, don't discount that part of why I do theater though it is the simplest. Me being me and having a very low view of myself, theater sets me right when I can't see what is right about myself.

This is where things become complex and convoluted.(sort of - it really comes down to one basic thing, but that's not a very fun blog to read, now is it?)

I love history. A lot. I love history because I love seeing how people react. I love human nature, it is the most fascinating subject to me. I love understanding things...especially people. I love analyzing(which I do NON STOP) analyzing...everything, especially about history and people. Why do people act the way they do throughout history? What makes them continue to go on? Why do peasants and serfs act the way they do and what makes kings, queens, emperors, Caesars/Tzars/Czars, Chiefs, Mayors, Governors, Representatives, Senators, Presidents, Prime Ministers, Chancellors or whoever act the way they do? (Did I miss any major governing title?) Is it power itself? Is it the greed or pride? Is it fear, hope, insanity? If I were them, would I act the same? If I were a poor milk man living around the turn of the 20th century on the plains  of Ukraine and my daughter's wedding was attacked by the governing body because they were ordered to or feared my people? If given the opportunity for fame, fortune, and the love of my life..would I murder to ensure I keep it? Where would I stop for the things I love? If sensing an injustice in my land, would I seek out like minded people to lead a rebellion, or would I instead seek to live my life with the best way I know how, or would I seek to profit from the situation, or would I instead just seek justice at all costs?

You may or may not have noticed that those last 3 situations are from the musicals Fiddler on the Roof, Little Shop of Horrors, and lastly Les Miserables. Watching these things give me some insight into possibilities, performing as a character gives me opportunity and reason to delve into the possibilities of their lives. Their emotions, strengths weaknesses, desires, and fears.

I can be myself, I can be that weird guy in the corner...and get applauded for it. When asked if I get tired of hopping from show to show(which physically, I kind of do) I said no. Because it's the best form of therapy for me. It's where I can be me with no judgement. I can access the parts of me that I'm scared to show anyone in a safe environment. I can release my angers, I can share my joys, I can experience all the sorrows in my life and I can share it with hundreds if not thousands of peoples.

Then there's the fact that...it's my spiritual connection. It gives me hope, I can see the reality of all these characters and situations. I can accept them, believe in them, and they can give me hope. I can understand that sometimes evil wins. I can accept that sometimes people make horrible decisions in an attempt to do good. I can find God's presence in these characters and find a way to portray that to the audience. I can then  find more love in my heart for all of God's children because we have all shared these experiences. Because of the the ability to be me, I can open my soul more fully, experience God's love and then help transfer that love to all those that are participating with me in this adventure every night.

...That's why I do theater, it's probably not all of it, but it's enough. I go on those adventures the same reason I write this blog. To be me, to feel accepted, to share my soul, to connect with myself and those around me, to search for God, and to find God's love when I find it. That's why I go on my adventures everyday, these adventures we call life. 

The Walk to the Stone Table/The walk up Calvary/Gethsemane

Here's the thing, I feel C.S. Lewis was an inspired man with an understanding of humanity. He had incredible comprehension of human thought, emotion, and perception. Including Christ himself, which is something I struggle with at times: understanding that Chris was human and suffered similar depressions, heart aches, physical pains, anxieties, and what ever other name you put to your trials. He suffered these things AS a human. I've never thought about that until this last time reading through The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis.

(This post contains spoiler material for The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe)

When reading in the chapter "The Triumph of the Witch" (pg. 179) He starts walking towards the stone table, Susan and Lucy notice "He looked some how different from the Aslan they knew. His tail and head hung low and he walked slowly as if he were very, very, tired." Or, as some might say now. Depressed, Sorrowful, or maybe even reluctant or anxious.

In this moment, he understands that even he cannot bear all sorrow alone, that he cannot be an impenetrable fortress of solitude. He admits that he is "sad and lonely" and asks the for the comfort of the girls laying their hands upon his mane.

These things to me are reminiscent of both Christ's journey up Calvary and his stay in Gethsemane. In Matthew it specifically talks about how heavy with sorrow Christ is at Gethsemane. "Sorrowful, even unto death" (Matthew 26:28) He cannot share his duty, but he knows his duty and goes willingly, but is humble enough to accept and ask for that help while it is available to him. Asking Peter and the two sons of Zebedee to "Tarry ye here, and watch with me"(Matt 26:28) Coming back to find them asleep he then asks Peter "Could ye not watch with me one hour?"(Mat 26:40) In this scripture is says nothing of him emotion but I cannot imagine anything but pain in his voice when he says that. Pain and fear, when you understand a task that is so insurmountable that it cannot be conceived without the full potential of both human and Godly understanding that you ask for your dearest friends and followers to just watch and pray for you, but they cannot. Christ in his understanding was able to forgive instantly, but that doesn't mean that the pain wasn't there.

But, we continue on through the stories of Christ and Aslan(who is Christ though but "known by another name so that we come to know him better")

As Aslan continues to the top of the hill "A great crowd of people were standing all round the Stone Table...In fact here were all those who were on the Witch's(evil) side and whome the Wolf had summoned at her command. Right in the middle, standing by the Table, was the Witch herself"

"The fool!" Cried the Witch."The fool has come. Bind him fast." - These remarks to me resonate with evil and the very thoughts of Satan himself as Jesus approached both Calvary and Gethsemane.

 (As I understand in Mormon doctrine(and unknowing as to the rest of "Mainstream Christianity" view of the situation.) Satan before the world was created and we were just spirits residing in what I will call the "Nether" (I'm a fantasy geek and don't know what else to call it besides pre-existence, which is what it's called in Mormon Doctrine but not as fun) Both Satan(Lucifer) and Christ were spirits as well, both of whom were great leaders among us. Christ brought forth this plan that we are currently living of pain, suffering, trials, and where we could lose our way. Satan/Lucifer brought forth a plan of Utopia, his plan was rejected and he and his followers were thrown out of Heaven/The Nether after reacting unpleasantly to news of the plan's rejection.)

 With that explained I will continue on my merry way of thought. Those remarks resonate with what I feel Satan must think(he himself having only the mind of a man, if perhaps, unhindered by this earthly veil) because he believes in all of humanities' worst traits, which coincides with his plan. Having neither faith nor hope in himself or us he asks that we all achieve the same level of happiness with the same level of tests(or lack thereof) aka, Utopia. That fear and despair makes him think Jesus a fool for having faith in this plan, for marching towards incomprehensible pain and suffering leading only to his death. As such, he cries "The Fool! The Fool has come! Bind him fast!"

Only, Satan like the hags and witches from Narnia fear Christ/Aslan. They hold their breath, waiting for "Aslan's roar" which never comes. In Narnia they bind him with ropes, shave him, muzzle him and berate him. In the Gospels we hear of how they strip him, put on him a scarlet robe, place a crown of thorns upon his head a reed in his and and mock him, saying "Hail, King of the Jews!" While continuing to spit upon him, striking him and after all that strip him again to take him off to his death. These are Satan's last attempts at binding Christ, trying to use fear, pain, and humiliation to trap him down and manipulate him for his own means; but as Lucy notices after the first shock was over "The shorn face of Aslan looked to her braver and more beautiful, and more patient than ever." This is exactly how I have pictured Christ's face while reading about his trials.

As the Witch bows down readying for the sacrifice of Aslan she whispers to him, "And now, who has won? Fool, did you think that by all this you would save the human traitor? Now I will kill you instead of him as our  pact was agreed. But when you are dead what will prevent me from killing him as well? And who will take him out of my hand then? Understand that you have given me Narnia for ever, you have lost your own life and you have not saved his. In that knowledge, despair and die."

The last of Satan's bonds, despair and fear. When one loses both faith and hope how can you continue to act according to God's will when things are aligned against you? For Aslan what was required was to be a willing to victim in order to save both Narnia and Edmund. For Christ it was that what he was doing was right. It was that though it may be the most difficult thing ever faced in this universe. It is in fact right. It is as it is supposed to be. It is all a matter of faith.

I guess what I'm saying is that really, Christ is a lot like the rest of us. As long as we are able to endure through Satan's attempts at undermining our faith and hope, we can make it through whatever trials it is that lies before us. We may not always know what lies before us, but we believe and endure what is set against because of our hope that lies on the other side. I believe that Christ had no more sure knowledge of what lies beyond this world than any of us; but he had a hope and faith so strong that he walked on water, that he cured the sick, that he suffered through ALL of our pains, ALL of our sorrows, ALL of our heartaches, he died, and then he rose again for US. This is why those two pages of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe made me cry. This is why I LOVE C.S. Lewis. Because he had a profound faith and hope in God and Christ, such a love that he bent his will power and thoughts on Christ, understanding him as both a God and a Man, then he was kind enough to write down his thoughts in ways that both children and adults alike can understand and appreciate.

Thanks again for coming on my journey with me, This path along the way was brought to me through C.S. Lewis, but I still learned something and it made my life better. 

Sometimes I write poems

If I were a penguin, then maybe I wouldn't get so cold.
If I were a turtle, then maybe I could let life pass me by.
If I were a dragon,then maybe I'd be bold.
If I were an eagle, then maybe I'd soar through the sky
If I were a jackal, then maybe I wouldn't feel so bad.
If I were a warrior, then maybe I'd be strong.
If I were a lover, then maybe I'd forget when things were sad.
If I were a dreamer, then maybe this night wouldn't seem so long.


But if I were a penguin, maybe I'd wish I could fly?
But if I were a turtle, maybe I'd wish I could run?
But if I were a dragon, maybe I'd wish I could cry?
But if I were an eagle, maybe I'd wish I could settle down?
But if I were a jackal, maybe I'd wish I could be sure?
But if I were a warrior, maybe I'd wish for the pain to stop?
But if I were a lover, maybe I'd wish for adventure?
But if I were dreamer, maybe I'd wish this dream would end?


So, maybe, just maybe I don't have to be any of these?
Maybe, just maybe, being me will put my mind at ease?


- The ramblings of someone who cannot sleep.


I wrote this on a sleepless night in December 2009, sometimes I'm awesome. 


Sometimes I still wish for things to be different, that I was someone else. That the person I am, the way I think.. wasn't the way it is. I'm an insomniac more often than not, I'm anxious more often than not, I'm afraid, tired, beaten, in pain, feeling broken, more often than not. Yet...I've started realizing(apparently again) that being me is the quickest path to happiness. Surrendering to myself, accepting that at times I am weak; realizing that's what is even more important is that it's okay to be weak. 


Wiling away my days(or even worse, my nights) just dreaming, hoping, trying to will my life to be different. These things just bring their pains and sorrows while at best, doing nothing to ease my other pains and at worst aggravating all my previous wounds letting them grow and fester. 


So maybe, just maybe, I'll let me be me. I'll accept me. It might suck at times, but it's better than the alternatives. Sometimes I'm not sure who I am, but I know that suppressing myself will not allow me to find out. Being me is scary, but being me is what bring me happiness. I won't always be the best, I may not always be good enough, and sometimes I'm just gonna down right suck at life. That's going to be hard, but never anything I can't handle. Perhaps I'll be able to be me unfettered. Perhaps, this will put my mind at ease. 

Believe in the you that I believe in.

This is inspired by the above quote from an anime whose(which name?) I cannot remember. A thought from my therapist about telling one of my stories and a discussion with Tzeitel from my cast of Fiddler on the roof about perception being reality.

In our discussion, I was arguing for the point of perception being reality. The point we agreed on was that perception was practically reality. After rehearsal(aka, lying in my bed trying to sleep) I was thinking on that subject further. In my mind I decided that perception is what reality will become. My specific example to prove my point was that a man that gave off the appearance of confidence differs not at all from a man who truly has confidence. With further thinking, I believe that on the outside this is true. The difference comes from the frailty of the one sharing the appearance versus the person who is truly confident...

This is where perception starts becoming reality though; for when a person you trust believes in that appearance of confidence to be a reality you can then, through that person of trust, believe in the you that they believe in. When you can accept that the persona you've been portraying is a part of you, that perception starts to realize.

This is where my story comes in. In my life, I have often played the person of confidence because it was much simpler(and safer) than sharing and being my insecurities. I've often lamented over the fact that I didn't have the confidence or strength to do the things I wanted to. Yet... I also look back at all the things I have done. And the things I never thought I would be able to do. Still, I worry about the fine balance between confidence and arrogance.

This.. is my favorite discovery today in my intellectual journey. Believing in the you that I believe in, and what that actually means. Being a person that has proffered up a facade of confidence to others, even those I trust.  I have been able to start believing in the person that they see me as. Not stressing out at not being that person, but finally being able to find that person within myself. To believe in me that they see and believe in. This is the difference between confidence and arrogance. When one has confidence, whether acquired through faith in others that leads to a faith in yourself or simply being born with a faith in yourself, it inspires more trust and faith. Arrogance, is based in a pride in yourself; it's more like a hyper-display of confidence. It's the point where rather than having faith in yourself or those around you, it's pride that you're superior.

The dictionary definitions themselves are very telling signs. 


Arrogance has one definition: Offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride.


Confidence? 8, each one dealing with other people. It's a selfless word. Each definition uses words like faith, trust, and belief. A person that has confidence has faith, trust, and belief in another person. 


That's why it's so exciting that in my story, I can accept these things. Despite the fact that I continue to doubt myself at times, I can accept that I have faith, trust, and belief in those close to me. I can believe in the me that they believe in.

Better to Light the Candle than Curse the Darkness

The title of this post is a Chinese Proverb, and the point of this post is to write. I have no previous thoughts, stirring passions to vent, or people to call down, or exciting stories to tell. All I have is what will presumably be a vomit of thought. As such, I'm pretty sure this blog will be terribly awesome or just terrible...



...

I like this quote/proverb. Because it helps me appreciate something about my self. (Yeah, I think this is gonna be a pat myself on the back kind of thing, but you know what! You're gonna like it!...Or not, I'm doing this for me. If you read it, cool.) The thing this helps me appreciate about myself is that I am inherently an optimist. I don't know why I am. My instinctual guess? Is that it's better than the alternative. My subconscious is super smart, so the things I do naturally are generally much better than the things I try to do. If I were to go through life with a blindfold on myself and just trusted me, I would be better off...probably.


..Instead, I freak out about things... A lot...like incessantly. Over the past year and a half I've gone to donate plasma quite a few times. Every time but ONE, I have had too high of a heart beat so had to be tested again.(I say this, because I FREAK OUT at all things involving white coats, I DO NOT LIKE THEM SAM I AM! Point in case, I couldn't bring myself to visit my mom in the hospital. I would freak out on the inside at the thought of going to the hospital.)  The good news? That one was the last time I went, 2 days ago. That's a good thing. Does it mean ALL better? No, but I am better that I used to be. Apparently rather than cursing the darkness something has happened. I think I turned on a light! Ain't that crazy?!

When I freak out, I'm not exactly cursing the darkness but I'm not lighting any candles either...It's more like...  I'm convinced there's a monster under my bed, he can't out from under my bed but he could grab me if I looked. So, instead of cursing the darkness or lighting the candle to send him away I sit there and dread that if I do light the candle it might illuminate this horrifying beast. If we're both blind can either of us harm the other?

(Isn't this a strange topic for something that started out with me appreciating that I'm an optimist? Guess what!? It links in!)

See the thing is, throughout my life when it really came down to it. I've been able to light that candle(most of the time anyways, I'm gonna even try to claim I've been 100% ... because I've been 110%! ..JK!) I feel in most of the important things I HAVE been able to choose to light that candle. I regret the time wasted in the darkness trying to convince myself there is no beast, no downside to this light, I do(While understanding that regret in this manner is nigh unto useless) Except...There's one candle I cannot light. One beast I'm too afraid of. What is it about me? I don't trust me. Am I that beast? Or is it the darkness inside of me that I fear? Do I fear that I AM the darkness?

No matter how much I try and pat myself on the back, why is it I can't believe that there is more to me than that darkness? More to me than those failures? What is it in myself, my past, my beliefs, my hopes, my fears, my life that doesn't let me look past that part of me?

I have anxiety attacks, I've had panic attacks, is it that fear of lighting that candle that drives all that anxiety? That feeling of utter panic like my life is about to end? That complete and utter despair that no matter what I do or try nothing can change? Is it that singular thing or is there more?

...Yes despite all of this. I'm an optimist, because even though I have those thoughts every day. I keep going, and I tell myself that yes, things DO change. Things CAN get better. I may not be strong enough to light that candle today but I WILL be strong enough. I don't know when, but I don't need to, I just need to know that today is not the day that it ends. Today, I won't lose because I still believe I can and will win. So yeah, I'm an optimist that's filled with complete despair. That's me.

...Now wasn't THAT a fun vomit of thought?

Inspirational quote time!

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing  enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't be insecure around you. We were born to make magnificent the glory of God that is within us. It's not in some of us, it is everyone. As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. - Nelson Mandela

Sometimes I need to remind myself of these things. Because yes, I am self conscious enough to think of these things. Yes, I am conceited enough to think that I can outshine everyone. Yes, I am crazy enough to think that only one person can shine. Yes, I am so unsure of myself that I feel I don't deserve to be that one to shine.

That's the thing though, while it's possible and probable that there is someone smarter, prettier, better, or more talented in whatever specific way that you're talented that doesn't diminish the good that you do in the world. It just gives everyone else a viewpoint to appreciate not only what you do, but what others in your field have done. (Just a bit of humbling, even if you are currently the best, you will not always be the best. There is always going to be someone striving to better you)

The thing about love, happiness, and whatever positive emotion you want to attach to it, is that it's not a survival of the fittest affair. It's not dog eat dog, nor Lassaiz Faire. Love as a commodity is one of only assumed supply and unlimited demand. When in reality it is an infinite supply rationed only by it's demand. Those of us that demand love decrease the supply for everyone else, when demanded you can never get as much as you desire so you take and take and take until none is left. In order for there to be enough of this light in the world you must freely give of it. The more you give the more you have to give. I mean have in both meanings of the word, first, the more you hold to give, and second, the more you feel the necessity to give.

Another thing about love, is that you cannot hide from what is offered. In attempting to do so, it is just lost. No one benefits. When hiding from the love that is offered to you, no one is standing behind you and gets hit from a sudden "love beam" when you duck out of the way. If you shirk from the love offered you it often recoils back towards the one who offered it, like a rubber band that's cut while being stretched, it's painful and leaves a scar that can be difficult to heal. It's not impossible to overcome, not even if you're one, such as I am, that obsesses over that backlash until the wound festers.

If you ever find yourself asking who you are to brilliant, gorgeous, talented, or fabulous, please just remind yourself. You're a child of God. Be yourself, let yourself shine. "Make magnificent the glory of God" that IS you. Never doubt the strength or courage of yourself for within you is God. You have all his strength, courage, love, hope, and joy to share. In sharing these things not only will those around you discover that in themselves you will discover the power to be joyful, to love, to be the person you've desired to be.

These are some of the things I'm learning and that I need to remind myself. This grand adventure won't ever end but these are the things I'll need to keep learning. If I forget them, you're free to remind me. If you forget them I'll make sure to remind you too. ^_^

Princess Festival

This is me talking about how I was the Mad Hatter for the Princess Festival for 2 days. I loved it! DONE!



Oh...You want more? ...Okay...

...


...

I guess...here's why I loved it!

First off, little girls dressed up as princesses...CUTE! Seriously adorable, look them up on Facebook and look at the pictures. As I said before cute! (side note, "cute" is a super awkward looking word. Just sayin') Secondly, I've always wanted a daughter, a little girl, heck I always would've taken little sister, I don't really know why but things like the Princess festival are definitely something we would do. The Princess Festival is something I would start for my own daughter's/granddaughter's if I had the means. (Fortunately someone already did it for me! All I need to do is pony up some cash for tickets...instead of y'know...running it) With that knowledge in mind that I've always wanted to take care of a my lil' girl like that, getting to do it for HUNDREDS of lil' girls...awesome. Frankly, I don't need to know them. All I need is to see their faces light up. Which I did! (I like to think I was a good Mad Hatter, or at least silly enough to make them smile) Seriously though, one of the most rewarding experiences of my life of which, thankfully, I've had many. (Theater is full of amazing experiences like this. These are reasons I LOVE the meet and greet after shows, the few people that will come up and say this experience moved me, also AMAZING) This I say to all the little princesses of Everly, THANK YOU! Thank you little child(and sometimes big children!) for every smile! Thank you to all the Princess Grandpa's that came! :) Thanks to Super Girl, whose identity I won't reveal, but for a hint she was neither female nor a little girl. Thanks to everyone that had a tea party with me! I loved being beat at tic tac toe, I loved struggling to lose at tic tac toe(some girls made it HARD!...they were like 4 though...) Thanks to all the many girls that went skipping through the maze with me, painting the roses red, and teaching me how to curtsy(side note again, that word TOTALLY came from courtesy, I always thought that was awesome, a girl showed courtesy which eventually shortened to just curtsy) Thank you to the Queen of Hearts which entertained me with stories of her romances with Captain Hook! Thanks Katie for being a good boss! 


P.S. Some other things I enjoyed! As the Mad Hatter I got to do ANYTHING! Really, as long as it was appropriate to do around children, I could get away with doing it. I LOVED IT! Hence how Super Girl and Princess Grandpa came about.
PPS I really enjoyed when people I know in real life came about talking to Justin, who... for better or worse was not there. It was a super interesting experience to completely step into someone else. It was something totally different from playing a character on stage. First off.. I had no script. My first day I had NO CLUE whatsoever what I was supposed to do. Eventually I realized I was the Mad Hatter, I could get away with most anything.
PPPS, someone actually asked me if I was British! SUCCESS! Oh, and they said I was their favorite/best actor there!
PPPPS That's all, I just wanted to do one more! :)

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PPPPPS Thanks as always for coming on my adventure with me! You guys should tell me something I should post about in my next blog. I've been running out of ideas!

If you didn't need money, what would you do?

Seriously? Do you know that? If you didn't need money, what would you do? Would you still work because you don't know what to do with the much free time? I think I would. Either that or I would perpetually be in school with a failing grade. Learning what I could learn without doing the homework because I could always pay to take more classes. I would do the homework if that's what was required to learn what I wanted to learn, of course. I would either start my own theater, or start a friend's theater and let her do all the leg work and just come in and play in it! :) (I'm awesome like that) There's a million things I would LOVE to do if I had all the money in the world. I should write about this things too, maybe later.

That wasn't the question though; well, more that wasn't all I meant with the question. If we lived in a truly communal(or...communistic) society, what would you do? You would still have to work, you just wouldn't get paid. Everything you need you would get. Everything you want? Maybe if you're lucky. Most likely, the luxuries would go to those willing to do the least popular jobs. Would a doctor or a lawyer get more luxuries than some other professions? Possibly, but I bet maids and/or janitors would get more.

If I could choose...I would run a theater, or be an actor, or, if those were unavailable to me. I honestly think I would teach. Preferably to teach the future actors or producers. (Though, I would also totally be okay with doing all the legwork of a producer. I think that would be an amazing career. And crazy hard. That's a sale's job I would be willing to do) If not then I would teach History. I really don't know if I would be a good teacher, I honestly have a lot to do to learn how to be an effective teacher. Currently, I have is passion. That doesn't always translate to 12-18 year olds. In fact, the older I get the less the passion may translate. Let's be honest, I never really connected with high school kids when I was in high school, how well will I do it when I'm 50?

But...that's ALL speculation. I just was thinking about this and how important it is to have a passion. Even if I don't really get to use my passion in a professional manner, I'll always have it to keep my spirits up. I've talked with people that don't have a passion at all in their lives. They're depressed. I've lived my life without passion, I was depressed. True, I still get anxiety from fear of living my passion VS. the desire to live it but it still gives me hope at the worst of times. I just know that if I didn't need money, I would still try to connect with people in a way that would give me an opportunity to improve both of our lives. That kind of connection is rare at times in our society. Fear is rampant causing anxiety, distrust, and overall negative will. No one tries to care for their neighbors as much anymore and it's sad. I don't care as much anymore. I think that's really sad. Some day soon, I'll be able to make those connections again. To remember how much they mean to not only myself, but to everyone who is apart of that connection. I think that's my passion, that's what I would try to do and try to make a part of my life, that's my passion... What would you do? It's not a challenge, a judgement, or anything of the sort. It's a question and I want to know the answer! So even if you don't answer here, find it for yourselves. It's good to know. It's always a pleasant thought. What would you do if you didn't need money?

Let's get spiritual! WOOH!

I just wanted to share my favorite scripture today. I had this thought today during church, because of A) I was asked my favorite scripture in church today and B) I was bored the rest of church so this is what I was thinking about.

My favorite scripture is John 8:11-12(Really 12, but it makes more sense in context which 10 and 11 give) when reading the rest of the chapter I also realized in conjunction with 31 and 32 of the same chapter it's really cool and makes a lot more sense as to how I look at it.

John 8 is starts off with the adulteress being brought to Jesus in the temple and him saying things like, "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." (Verse 7) In Verse 10 Jesus says "Woman, where are thine accusers? Hath no man condemned thee?" (11) She replies, " No man, Lord." and Jesus says unto her, "Neither do I condemn thee: Go, and sin no more."

Now we're at 12! yay! 12. Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: He that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.

Here's verses 31and 32
31: Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, if ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; 32: And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

The reason these things are cool to is that I interpret this as the light and truth as being the same thing; as being knowledge.
(You may or may not know this about me, but I yearn for understanding things. It's one of my drives in life. I want to know everything. I have constant racing thoughts because if I stop for a moment I'll lose a step I'll never get back.)
With that in mind, Christ is that pathway towards infinite knowledge. Towards understanding the things that truly mystify me, because in a way that I'll know everything I'll still be able to learn more. In my life the most amazing thing I've had when living the life that Christ has set out for me is the way my mind works so much more. Not only do I feel smarter, my brain gets all of the nonessential clutter out of my head so that I can figure out these things faster whilst finding a more correct version of the truth. Because Truths are amazing things. There is nothing more wonderful and fulfilling than learning an eternal Truth. Things that are true no matter what. These are the things that you can comfortably base your foundation on. The things that position your entire outlook on life.

Perceived Truths are dangerous though, because you can base a foundation on shaky material. Negative Truths do exist in a way, but these are the things that lead to unhappiness not only in yourself but whoever allows you into their world enough to drag them down with you. For me, these are the twisted mockeries that are only one or two steps away from the real Truths that can make you free. These are the Anti-Truths, the things that are so enticing, so close to real Truth that it's hard to make the decision on which is the Truth.

Truths are not just ideas, they are virtues made into realities. Something that is difficult to understand without living them. They are things like Faith and Love. For me, the president of our church Thomas S. Monson, is not and cannot be a Truth. He is a man that espouses Truths, yes, but I cannot base my reality on him for he is only a man. A man that strives to teach goodness, a man that knows and has realized many Truths and uses his knowledge in the best way he can. Realizing, understanding, and living these Truths do not make you perfect they only put you on the path towards that end. There is no end to knowledge, truth, or virtues. God knows all and yet he has more to learn. God does not live without temptation he has just put himself on the path and has enough knowledge of Truth to live without sin. I know for a fact that God wished he could send us all down here to live without temptation, but he loved us too much to not let us suffer heartache and pain.

He aches for us, every moment we might ache. He loves us unequivocally and beyond understanding. Not until we can begin to grasp the Truth and reality of eternity or infinity could we begin to understand his love. He has achieved eternity, but eternity as well as perfection is only a journey that will never end. God's knowledge grows day by day.

Maybe now you begin to understand why this scripture means so much to me; because Truth, Light, and Knowledge are things I understand to be infinite. These are things I crave in my heart, my mind, and my soul.  All I know is that the Light of the world is Truth and Jesus holds the keys that lead to that Truth. By following him I can have that Light and Truth. I will have all of the essential gear to begin my journey to the end of eternity where all Truths are one Truth.

Genuineness, not genuity(Sounds way better)

I've had several talks about genuineness in the last week or so. This is weird to me because I don't think I was the one that brought any of them up. Presumably I must have lead to them somehow seeing as how I'm the only link between these people. The talks about genuineness all were very different despite being about the same topic. I just want to share some of the things said(whether by myself or the other people I don't remember who said them. I only remember the ideas)

My first talk was in therapy last Friday. I'm a very self conscious person. I'm also a very borderline ADD person. As I explained it to my therapist, it's very difficult for me to give my full attention to one thing because of the fact that I'm so easily distracted. I have an obsessive tendency in me(surprise!) This tendency when...divulged(may not be the right word) in conversation can be a very good thing. Except for the fact that once my full attention is activated, if I AM distracted my full attention leaves the person, the conversation, everything behind. As such, the majority of my conversations I divide my attention 80/20. I distract myself just a little tiny bit so that I can put the large majority of my attention towards the person I want to pay attention to...At least that's why I tell myself I do it. While that's partly true, I think another part of it is the fact that I'm scared of commitment(Trust me, devoting myself entirely to anything, even a conversation, is horrifying to me. That's not something I take lightly, probably due to something like...an obsessive tendency/perfectionism/fear of failure/lack of confidence in myself/a million little things that help make me me and all the little crazies that come along with being me.) As such, there are still some conversations and some people that I get so wrapped up in that I DO devote 100% of my attention to it/her/him/whatevs. These are the things that fascinate me. These are things I'm fully present for, these are things that light up my life and bring me joy. Music, for me, especially when performing is the perfect combination of something I can devote myself fully to without care while being able to lose myself. I love things that let my brain float away and not care.(When your mind is something that is obsessive, letting go is a BIG deal. It's a self medication that can lead to dangerous things, true, but it also lets me recharge so that I can let myself obsess over the things that matter) In case you haven't noticed, I'm rambling a little bit but that's okay, it's my blog! :p Still, these things are totally on topic because these are the roadblocks that prevent me from being that genuine person I long to be. At times in my life, that has been one of my strongest...virtues(is that the right word?) As such my current blocks are something that I strongly detest and wish to obliterate, identifying is a strong part of that.

My second conversation was last night with a good friend of mine who is truly one of the most genuine people I know. As such, someone who fears true genuineness, he seems one of the strongest, most courageous people I know. Strangely, I realized this while talking about the genuineness of someone else with my friend. We were at the concert of Dallyn Bayles in the Keller's back yard house concert. Recently I wrote of the Secret Garden and why I felt like it was so amazing, and why it was one of the hardest shows to let go. These two people were a large part of that. Dallyn was one of the leads in that show, his genuineness is very apparent when performing and as such connects with everyone listening, sort of listening, or even someone that just hears it in the back round of their crazy mind while trying to Shut the Box(stupid box) At his concert last night I once again was able to just bask in that spirit that was made even stronger by his connection to his wife and another truly genuine spirit in Michelle Booth(She was amazing)

As amazing as the performers were last night, the most amazing part was discussing all of this with my friend Barrett who has a spirit just as strong and ever present as any of the people I've mentioned. In watching him and getting to know him over the last 4 months I've been able to see him grow in a way that mirrors and surpasses all I've grown in the last few months. He's one of the reasons this has been on my mind. He may or may not read this, I don't know.

This post has gone a totally different way than I imagined, but apparently this is how I felt. This is what I felt like talking about...maybe. If not, I'll write another one! What I'm trying to say is that being genuine and ever present... It's one of the keys of putting yourself in position to be happy. It by itself may or may not ever lead to happiness, I can't make that promise. Everything in this world has the potential for true happiness. Nothing by itself can MAKE you happy. All the right choices in the world only set you up to be happy. That doesn't mean it'll come.

As such, here are some of the things that help to be genuine and present.

  Lose the ego, surrender yourself: When worrying over the next thing to say, or how to make someone laugh, or whatever. You take yourself away from the situation. You separate yourself from the person attempting to connect with you. Surrender yourself to the whims of fancy and conversation and you may have one of the most meaningful or nonsensical conversations you've ever had. Either way, you'll enjoy yourself.

Be Confident: Losing yourself and your ego requires confidence, not arrogance. This one is a little different. My therapist helped define confidence to me thusly: Confidence bring other people up, arrogance puts others down. Being a confident person in a genuine way empowers others, uplifts them and helps them be genuine as well.

Make the Effort: Look them in the eyes. If you don't know them as well, show them you care. If you don't care yet, make the effort to find something to care about. Find something you ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT.

Honesty: Surprise! Being honest is a really important part of being genuine, that's why it's part of the definition! Genuineness requires trust on both ends. Trust requires honesty. People can tell when people are being fake, even if they don't know it.

There's a million other things you could do to be genuine. If everyone were in a position to be genuine people with each other. This world would be in a much better place than it is. It's hard not to love a genuine person and when you're a genuine person with an honest care for the other person it's hard to deny that love in yourself. Genuine people have an overabundance of love because when you really connect with people you feel loved, and feeling loved allows to share that love with everyone else. There's a reason a smile is contagious!

This is something I'm trying to learn myself, maybe I'll tell you how it goes or maybe if we're lucky enough I'll be able to show you that it's going well! Either way, it's gonna be a grand adventure!