So I read my sister's blog. We have very different world views and there are things that she writes that make me legitimately angry. I love her dearly, though, and we pretty much always are able to discuss enough so that I can learn why I am angry and what made me angry and so that I can understand where she comes from enough so that I can learn to empathize with her in the future.(And also, to be able to calm down) This is my general reaction towards most things in this life, really.
As such, in general to start these conversations I comment on her blog. Sometimes that means I have discussions with people who aren't my sister. And this is how I came to learn I'm a "terrible, terrible person."
\This is not a blog post about the conversation I had, nor is it about whether or not I believe I'm a terrible person. (I don't) This is about my reaction to it.
Let's be honest, every once in a while for the past few days I have gotten painful bouts of anxiety and the repeat of these words in my head. It's honestly a terrible and painful experience for me to go through, because I came off as a terrible person while trying to understand a person. (Tangent: Part of how I work is that the act of putting forth the effort to understand someone makes it inevitable that you will love that person, it as an act of love to me; as such, I began opening my heart to this person because they confused me so.)
First off, there's the anxiety of "failure." I'm a perfectionist, if you're not aware; and as such, Doing things wrong really bother me. I don't like losing, and I in a way to make my perfectionism "safe" to me I make the world a game into simple "win" and "lose," this is a loss.
Secondly, there's the worry and anxiety of, am I really a "terrible, terrible person?" I don't want to be that and I get real honest pain from the fact that someone thinks I am. Yes, I know that it's ridiculous to think that everyone in this world can think I'm an awesome person, but whether realistic or not it is a goal I aspire to. I sincerely wish to live in a way that people can love me. My biggest plan towards this is to live in a way where I can open myself to love everyone, including, and most importantly, myself. (Tangent: I say this in recognition that that is not always a guarantee, but I also know that I cannot sacrifice myself for other's "love" because that will not be love.)
Lastly, I it's only bouts of anxiety because I don't believe it. Partly because as soon as my sister read it she called to make sure I'm aware I'm not because she understands me well enough to know that even from a complete stranger, that hurts me. Partly because I can look back and see that while I did misspeak I also was not a terrible person in our debate. I felt(and my sister confirmed) that I was loving in my speech and in my attempt to understand. I was I perfect? Clearly not. Was I me? Definitely! Was I, or am I, a terrible person? No, I believe I wasn't.
This is new to me, I think. From what I know of me, I was a bad muddah, who took no crap from nobody(10 brownie points if you get the quote!)...while still believing everything mean or terrible anyone ever said about me. The fact that they said that and I didn't believe it...feels new.
As such, in general to start these conversations I comment on her blog. Sometimes that means I have discussions with people who aren't my sister. And this is how I came to learn I'm a "terrible, terrible person."
\This is not a blog post about the conversation I had, nor is it about whether or not I believe I'm a terrible person. (I don't) This is about my reaction to it.
Let's be honest, every once in a while for the past few days I have gotten painful bouts of anxiety and the repeat of these words in my head. It's honestly a terrible and painful experience for me to go through, because I came off as a terrible person while trying to understand a person. (Tangent: Part of how I work is that the act of putting forth the effort to understand someone makes it inevitable that you will love that person, it as an act of love to me; as such, I began opening my heart to this person because they confused me so.)
First off, there's the anxiety of "failure." I'm a perfectionist, if you're not aware; and as such, Doing things wrong really bother me. I don't like losing, and I in a way to make my perfectionism "safe" to me I make the world a game into simple "win" and "lose," this is a loss.
Secondly, there's the worry and anxiety of, am I really a "terrible, terrible person?" I don't want to be that and I get real honest pain from the fact that someone thinks I am. Yes, I know that it's ridiculous to think that everyone in this world can think I'm an awesome person, but whether realistic or not it is a goal I aspire to. I sincerely wish to live in a way that people can love me. My biggest plan towards this is to live in a way where I can open myself to love everyone, including, and most importantly, myself. (Tangent: I say this in recognition that that is not always a guarantee, but I also know that I cannot sacrifice myself for other's "love" because that will not be love.)
Lastly, I it's only bouts of anxiety because I don't believe it. Partly because as soon as my sister read it she called to make sure I'm aware I'm not because she understands me well enough to know that even from a complete stranger, that hurts me. Partly because I can look back and see that while I did misspeak I also was not a terrible person in our debate. I felt(and my sister confirmed) that I was loving in my speech and in my attempt to understand. I was I perfect? Clearly not. Was I me? Definitely! Was I, or am I, a terrible person? No, I believe I wasn't.
This is new to me, I think. From what I know of me, I was a bad muddah, who took no crap from nobody(10 brownie points if you get the quote!)...while still believing everything mean or terrible anyone ever said about me. The fact that they said that and I didn't believe it...feels new.
For the record, I concur with Jen. I don't think you're a terrible person. In fact, you're not only not terrible, but I was very impressed with the way you handled yourself in that little debate.
ReplyDeleteI find it ironic that that individual thought you were a terrible person because you disagreed with her. (I think it was a her) However, you never attacked her at all. So disagreement makes you terrible, but personal attacks (which she did to you) are totally fine. Oh well, I suppose people who apply logic are rare.
I ditto what Jeff said (and not just because he concurs with me.)
ReplyDeleteIn the conversation that happened before this debate, you told me you were afraid you were an abusive asshole. Or just one step away. I have a hard time understanding this fear of yours... Not only were you not terrible, but you showed emotional maturity that is quite impressive. Here are several reasons why you are not an abusive asshole (that I took from this one conversation that you had with someone I don't know.)
1. She called you out, and you looked at yourself and said, "You're right. I'm sorry." and then you apologized several more times in that first message. SO many people couldn't have done what you did and said, "you're right. I'm sorry."
2. You went deeper into yourself - you admitted you didn't know, you couldn't understand, and then you tried to.
3. You showed empathy and REALLY tried to understand where she was coming from. You went and read her blog, and you found the things that the two of you had in common. You didn't express all of that in your comments to her, but you did to me on the phone.
4. When she told you, you were terrible, you asked if you were. And then you got more specific, "Was I condescending?"
And then you didn't invalidate HER, you just said you were going to stop talking, because everything you said seemed to be hurting her.
Also, you were angry at me, and you wrote an email to me that had no attacks, and nothing hurtful. Instead, you shared with me your deepest fears.
I admire you. And it makes me very VERY happy to hear that you don't believe you are a terrible person.
For the record, I do not now nor have I ever thought you were a terrible person. I was impressed with your ability to speak your feelings yet try to empathize with a very different point of view. Like Jen said you showed a great deal of emotional maturity by not attacking back but trying to really see her perspective. I, for one, am one of those in the "I think you are awesome" camp.
ReplyDelete:) I feel like everything that should be said has been. But I want you to know that I think its awesome (and got a little excited inside) when I found out you don't agree. Congrats!
ReplyDelete