Graduating/Shabblefrack

 Once upon a time, I was in therapy. I say was because I...graduated? It was kind of funny going in for my last session. We talked about how I'm not completely better, I could still work towards a life without my BIG anxieties.(Y'know, the ones that make me feel like a terrible person.)He and I both felt that I showed incredible improvement from when I started therapy. I honestly feel like I'm not in a constant state on anxiety.  Yes, I still get anxious, but I get anxious rather than my anxiety level rising to unbearable levels and my body shuts down.(along with my brain and emotions) So basically, I've gotten better though I won't ever be "cured."

In an effort to make sure I stay in my improved more healthy state of mind, we also talked about looking at life through a different lens. Rather than starting on the inside, from where I feel my self worth is, look at the things I've done from an outside perspective. Let my actions define my self worth rather than my perceived blown out of proportion view of the world.

 (For those of you not aware, basically I'm really good at accepting people for who they are, their flaws, and their amazing goodnesses(totally a word)  Myself? I hold myself to a higher standard while placing myself below everyone. As such, someone else does something stupid I look at it in an almost condescending way and say that's okay. I do something stupid? I become the most terrible person in the WORLD. Truth. Well...that's what my head says. )

So now, we continue with the last words of advice. Don't let my blown out of proportions be my looking glass. Find a different perspective to look at. Specifically for me, this is in regards to self worth. Because based on observations and hints from my friends. I have reason to believe I might be an awesome guy. This is surprising to me because clearly, I am the most terrible person in the world. He even gave me a a nifty worksheet for me to right my crazy down on and then find a rational response to what just happened. Unfortunately I'm still working on even identifying when I have one of those crazy thoughts; but I'm getting it!

This is kind of an amazing thought to me, because I'm in love with a song from Prince of Egypt called Through Heavens Eyes. Because those are they eyes I strive to see myself through. Because God has granted me the amazing gift of seeing my friends through his eyes. Sometimes I struggle with it, yes. Sometimes I refuse to believe what I'm seeing or ignore it or take it for granted, yes. But God has granted me that gift to see others that way. Yet I've never allowed myself to look at me that way. I look through my looking glass of "I'm not worthy", of "Why would someone care for me?", of "Idiot", "Monster", "Crazy", "evil, sinner, wrong."

Basically, what I'm trying to get it at is this. I'm saying, "Go suck it Justin, you're awesome no matter what you say about yourself. Yeah, you're gonna mess up sometimes. That won't make you an idiot. Yeah, you're gonna do things you regret. That doesn't make you a bad person. But you know what? You're just gonna say, ShabbleFRACK" (because sometimes it's more fun to make up a curse word than to actually swear) And say, "SHABBLEFRACK," again just for emphasis, "Justin, gosh darnnit, you're still awesome because you do things like make up swear words, hold the door open for people to go through, make people smile on a daily basis, laugh like there's no tomorrow, love everyone around you, and you're going to sing your heart out because that's what you do. Those are the things I love about you, and I've heard some other people say they love that about you too. Justin, just say Flibblegack and remind yourself that you're awesome Justin. You deserve it."