The title of this post is a Chinese Proverb, and the point of this post is to write. I have no previous thoughts, stirring passions to vent, or people to call down, or exciting stories to tell. All I have is what will presumably be a vomit of thought. As such, I'm pretty sure this blog will be terribly awesome or just terrible...
...
I like this quote/proverb. Because it helps me appreciate something about my self. (Yeah, I think this is gonna be a pat myself on the back kind of thing, but you know what! You're gonna like it!...Or not, I'm doing this for me. If you read it, cool.) The thing this helps me appreciate about myself is that I am inherently an optimist. I don't know why I am. My instinctual guess? Is that it's better than the alternative. My subconscious is super smart, so the things I do naturally are generally much better than the things I try to do. If I were to go through life with a blindfold on myself and just trusted me, I would be better off...probably.
..Instead, I freak out about things... A lot...like incessantly. Over the past year and a half I've gone to donate plasma quite a few times. Every time but ONE, I have had too high of a heart beat so had to be tested again.(I say this, because I FREAK OUT at all things involving white coats, I DO NOT LIKE THEM SAM I AM! Point in case, I couldn't bring myself to visit my mom in the hospital. I would freak out on the inside at the thought of going to the hospital.) The good news? That one was the last time I went, 2 days ago. That's a good thing. Does it mean ALL better? No, but I am better that I used to be. Apparently rather than cursing the darkness something has happened. I think I turned on a light! Ain't that crazy?!
When I freak out, I'm not exactly cursing the darkness but I'm not lighting any candles either...It's more like... I'm convinced there's a monster under my bed, he can't out from under my bed but he could grab me if I looked. So, instead of cursing the darkness or lighting the candle to send him away I sit there and dread that if I do light the candle it might illuminate this horrifying beast. If we're both blind can either of us harm the other?
(Isn't this a strange topic for something that started out with me appreciating that I'm an optimist? Guess what!? It links in!)
See the thing is, throughout my life when it really came down to it. I've been able to light that candle(most of the time anyways, I'm gonna even try to claim I've been 100% ... because I've been 110%! ..JK!) I feel in most of the important things I HAVE been able to choose to light that candle. I regret the time wasted in the darkness trying to convince myself there is no beast, no downside to this light, I do(While understanding that regret in this manner is nigh unto useless) Except...There's one candle I cannot light. One beast I'm too afraid of. What is it about me? I don't trust me. Am I that beast? Or is it the darkness inside of me that I fear? Do I fear that I AM the darkness?
No matter how much I try and pat myself on the back, why is it I can't believe that there is more to me than that darkness? More to me than those failures? What is it in myself, my past, my beliefs, my hopes, my fears, my life that doesn't let me look past that part of me?
I have anxiety attacks, I've had panic attacks, is it that fear of lighting that candle that drives all that anxiety? That feeling of utter panic like my life is about to end? That complete and utter despair that no matter what I do or try nothing can change? Is it that singular thing or is there more?
...Yes despite all of this. I'm an optimist, because even though I have those thoughts every day. I keep going, and I tell myself that yes, things DO change. Things CAN get better. I may not be strong enough to light that candle today but I WILL be strong enough. I don't know when, but I don't need to, I just need to know that today is not the day that it ends. Today, I won't lose because I still believe I can and will win. So yeah, I'm an optimist that's filled with complete despair. That's me.
...Now wasn't THAT a fun vomit of thought?
...
I like this quote/proverb. Because it helps me appreciate something about my self. (Yeah, I think this is gonna be a pat myself on the back kind of thing, but you know what! You're gonna like it!...Or not, I'm doing this for me. If you read it, cool.) The thing this helps me appreciate about myself is that I am inherently an optimist. I don't know why I am. My instinctual guess? Is that it's better than the alternative. My subconscious is super smart, so the things I do naturally are generally much better than the things I try to do. If I were to go through life with a blindfold on myself and just trusted me, I would be better off...probably.
..Instead, I freak out about things... A lot...like incessantly. Over the past year and a half I've gone to donate plasma quite a few times. Every time but ONE, I have had too high of a heart beat so had to be tested again.(I say this, because I FREAK OUT at all things involving white coats, I DO NOT LIKE THEM SAM I AM! Point in case, I couldn't bring myself to visit my mom in the hospital. I would freak out on the inside at the thought of going to the hospital.) The good news? That one was the last time I went, 2 days ago. That's a good thing. Does it mean ALL better? No, but I am better that I used to be. Apparently rather than cursing the darkness something has happened. I think I turned on a light! Ain't that crazy?!
When I freak out, I'm not exactly cursing the darkness but I'm not lighting any candles either...It's more like... I'm convinced there's a monster under my bed, he can't out from under my bed but he could grab me if I looked. So, instead of cursing the darkness or lighting the candle to send him away I sit there and dread that if I do light the candle it might illuminate this horrifying beast. If we're both blind can either of us harm the other?
(Isn't this a strange topic for something that started out with me appreciating that I'm an optimist? Guess what!? It links in!)
See the thing is, throughout my life when it really came down to it. I've been able to light that candle(most of the time anyways, I'm gonna even try to claim I've been 100% ... because I've been 110%! ..JK!) I feel in most of the important things I HAVE been able to choose to light that candle. I regret the time wasted in the darkness trying to convince myself there is no beast, no downside to this light, I do(While understanding that regret in this manner is nigh unto useless) Except...There's one candle I cannot light. One beast I'm too afraid of. What is it about me? I don't trust me. Am I that beast? Or is it the darkness inside of me that I fear? Do I fear that I AM the darkness?
No matter how much I try and pat myself on the back, why is it I can't believe that there is more to me than that darkness? More to me than those failures? What is it in myself, my past, my beliefs, my hopes, my fears, my life that doesn't let me look past that part of me?
I have anxiety attacks, I've had panic attacks, is it that fear of lighting that candle that drives all that anxiety? That feeling of utter panic like my life is about to end? That complete and utter despair that no matter what I do or try nothing can change? Is it that singular thing or is there more?
...Yes despite all of this. I'm an optimist, because even though I have those thoughts every day. I keep going, and I tell myself that yes, things DO change. Things CAN get better. I may not be strong enough to light that candle today but I WILL be strong enough. I don't know when, but I don't need to, I just need to know that today is not the day that it ends. Today, I won't lose because I still believe I can and will win. So yeah, I'm an optimist that's filled with complete despair. That's me.
...Now wasn't THAT a fun vomit of thought?
I just want you to know that I trust you.
ReplyDeleteI love reading your thoughts, and being a part of the journey you are on.
Love you bud!
I am glad that you are always trying to light your candle and not giving up. I see progress in a lot of things and love reading your thoughts on things. You are an awesome guy! Love you.
ReplyDelete