By a semi truck...Coming straight towards me. Me facing him heads on with nothing to do but wait. When this happens, I either swear or pray in a particular way.(Exact words were, "Oh, God" Seeing as how that's all the time I had) I'm not entirely sure which one you would call that because I don't think it lacked in sincerity. There was a part of me that said, "Oh hey, we're gonna be pals soon."
That was weird, because in that moment I realized.. I have absolutely zero fear of death. There was no, "Oh, what about the things I haven't done?" There was no fear, no anxiety, no guilt, there was only peace.
Now? I'm living at about 7 on my anxiety scale (9 being the point where I'm frozen and cannot move, a 5 being where I would live at before therapy) Everytime I close my eyes my heart beat jumps about 10 bpm. Fear and guilt about what could and what should I have done better? I just want to go away in a dark corner and be emotionally dead for a while because this hurts. I'm so beyond the point of being obsessed with the situation that I just want to shut down. Basically, I'm jealous of that moment when I thought I knew I was going to die. That peace, that calm, I've never felt that before. Not until feeling it then did I know I hadn't.
But.. I'm not dead...so that good right? Why don't I feel like it is?
PS. Physically I'm absolutely fine. Which is the best alternative to not being dead I feel. It sucks that my car is probably totaled, but... yeah...life sucks right now so that's gonna happen.
I've always said that it is just an accident to make it as far in life as we do. You've picked up some more experience points. They'll come in handy as some future point. It's good to be not dead. When we have the flu we my mutter, "Just shoot me" but then we get better and we see a beautiful sunrise or sunset and say, "Oh yea!".
ReplyDeleteI still feel the bit of panic and fear as I remember spinning the old green Toyota, it was gone before you were born, off the freeway. I'm just grateful that no one was hurt and it is a memory I can look back on.
Being not dead is a good thing... but like anything traumatic, it won't feel like that for a while.
ReplyDeleteThere are some people who feel terrified of death. I have never been one of them. Living is way more scary. But that peace and calm you felt, isn't just from facing the end of your life. I feel peace and calm when I can just accept what is, stop trying to fight it, and be completely present in this moment.
AND... I'm very very glad you're not dead. My nightmares were full of me standing by the side of the road, watching the semi coming at you and feeling paralyzed that there was nothing I could do, and I was about to lose you. I didn't like that at all.
I'm glad you're not dead. I'm sad that it was traumatic and unpleasant. Some time I'd like to hear the story of how it happened, but that can wait until it's not so traumatic to tell it.
ReplyDeleteListen to your family, they are smart on this one. I'm glad/sad for your peaceful moment before the pain. From my experience God let the pressure build up a bit before a big hit comes and he lets the pressure down RIGHT before the big hit. Now normally this is emotional pressure, or maybe even spiritual and only after the big hit can we see what was going on.
ReplyDeleteFor you that was not the case, but I do think you had a spiritual pressure release point right before the physical impact. (I hope me talking about it like that doesn't make things worse). I ask and hope that that makes sense.
Being not dead is good, not feeling like that comes and goes in our life, I felt like that after my car got wrecked and I wasn't even in it when it happened. I felt like that again when me and Kathy broke up. I felt like that when M&R Data started it's downward thrust into mediocrity. But, after the wreck I got Maria, who I just sold and I miss but I have a new car and I like it. After Kathy I got Delta, WHO ROCKS! and after M&R I got convergys, now that wasn't a trade up really but our family really needed it at the time so we're happy I did.
So, I just had a person come and comment on a really old entry on my blog. I talked about dissociation... and particularly how it relates to prey animals.
ReplyDeleteHere's the quote:
"Dissociation protects us from the impact of escalating arousal. If a life-threatening event continues, dissociation protects us from the pain of death. It causes a sort of dreaminess in which there is no sense of pain nor feeling of terror, though quite conscious of all that is happening. This singular condition is not the result of any mental process. It annihilates fear, and allows no sense of horror in looking round. This peculiar state is probably produced in all animals killed by the carnivore; and if so, is a merciful provision by our benevolent creator for lessening the pain of death."
I thought of you and the description of the moment of peace you felt, so I decided to share it.
THANK YOU FOR NOT BEING DEAD!! I still believe you are watched over by a couple of wonderfully spectacular guardian angels. You are blessed! Love you!
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