If you didn't need money, what would you do?

Seriously? Do you know that? If you didn't need money, what would you do? Would you still work because you don't know what to do with the much free time? I think I would. Either that or I would perpetually be in school with a failing grade. Learning what I could learn without doing the homework because I could always pay to take more classes. I would do the homework if that's what was required to learn what I wanted to learn, of course. I would either start my own theater, or start a friend's theater and let her do all the leg work and just come in and play in it! :) (I'm awesome like that) There's a million things I would LOVE to do if I had all the money in the world. I should write about this things too, maybe later.

That wasn't the question though; well, more that wasn't all I meant with the question. If we lived in a truly communal(or...communistic) society, what would you do? You would still have to work, you just wouldn't get paid. Everything you need you would get. Everything you want? Maybe if you're lucky. Most likely, the luxuries would go to those willing to do the least popular jobs. Would a doctor or a lawyer get more luxuries than some other professions? Possibly, but I bet maids and/or janitors would get more.

If I could choose...I would run a theater, or be an actor, or, if those were unavailable to me. I honestly think I would teach. Preferably to teach the future actors or producers. (Though, I would also totally be okay with doing all the legwork of a producer. I think that would be an amazing career. And crazy hard. That's a sale's job I would be willing to do) If not then I would teach History. I really don't know if I would be a good teacher, I honestly have a lot to do to learn how to be an effective teacher. Currently, I have is passion. That doesn't always translate to 12-18 year olds. In fact, the older I get the less the passion may translate. Let's be honest, I never really connected with high school kids when I was in high school, how well will I do it when I'm 50?

But...that's ALL speculation. I just was thinking about this and how important it is to have a passion. Even if I don't really get to use my passion in a professional manner, I'll always have it to keep my spirits up. I've talked with people that don't have a passion at all in their lives. They're depressed. I've lived my life without passion, I was depressed. True, I still get anxiety from fear of living my passion VS. the desire to live it but it still gives me hope at the worst of times. I just know that if I didn't need money, I would still try to connect with people in a way that would give me an opportunity to improve both of our lives. That kind of connection is rare at times in our society. Fear is rampant causing anxiety, distrust, and overall negative will. No one tries to care for their neighbors as much anymore and it's sad. I don't care as much anymore. I think that's really sad. Some day soon, I'll be able to make those connections again. To remember how much they mean to not only myself, but to everyone who is apart of that connection. I think that's my passion, that's what I would try to do and try to make a part of my life, that's my passion... What would you do? It's not a challenge, a judgement, or anything of the sort. It's a question and I want to know the answer! So even if you don't answer here, find it for yourselves. It's good to know. It's always a pleasant thought. What would you do if you didn't need money?

Let's get spiritual! WOOH!

I just wanted to share my favorite scripture today. I had this thought today during church, because of A) I was asked my favorite scripture in church today and B) I was bored the rest of church so this is what I was thinking about.

My favorite scripture is John 8:11-12(Really 12, but it makes more sense in context which 10 and 11 give) when reading the rest of the chapter I also realized in conjunction with 31 and 32 of the same chapter it's really cool and makes a lot more sense as to how I look at it.

John 8 is starts off with the adulteress being brought to Jesus in the temple and him saying things like, "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." (Verse 7) In Verse 10 Jesus says "Woman, where are thine accusers? Hath no man condemned thee?" (11) She replies, " No man, Lord." and Jesus says unto her, "Neither do I condemn thee: Go, and sin no more."

Now we're at 12! yay! 12. Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: He that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.

Here's verses 31and 32
31: Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, if ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; 32: And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

The reason these things are cool to is that I interpret this as the light and truth as being the same thing; as being knowledge.
(You may or may not know this about me, but I yearn for understanding things. It's one of my drives in life. I want to know everything. I have constant racing thoughts because if I stop for a moment I'll lose a step I'll never get back.)
With that in mind, Christ is that pathway towards infinite knowledge. Towards understanding the things that truly mystify me, because in a way that I'll know everything I'll still be able to learn more. In my life the most amazing thing I've had when living the life that Christ has set out for me is the way my mind works so much more. Not only do I feel smarter, my brain gets all of the nonessential clutter out of my head so that I can figure out these things faster whilst finding a more correct version of the truth. Because Truths are amazing things. There is nothing more wonderful and fulfilling than learning an eternal Truth. Things that are true no matter what. These are the things that you can comfortably base your foundation on. The things that position your entire outlook on life.

Perceived Truths are dangerous though, because you can base a foundation on shaky material. Negative Truths do exist in a way, but these are the things that lead to unhappiness not only in yourself but whoever allows you into their world enough to drag them down with you. For me, these are the twisted mockeries that are only one or two steps away from the real Truths that can make you free. These are the Anti-Truths, the things that are so enticing, so close to real Truth that it's hard to make the decision on which is the Truth.

Truths are not just ideas, they are virtues made into realities. Something that is difficult to understand without living them. They are things like Faith and Love. For me, the president of our church Thomas S. Monson, is not and cannot be a Truth. He is a man that espouses Truths, yes, but I cannot base my reality on him for he is only a man. A man that strives to teach goodness, a man that knows and has realized many Truths and uses his knowledge in the best way he can. Realizing, understanding, and living these Truths do not make you perfect they only put you on the path towards that end. There is no end to knowledge, truth, or virtues. God knows all and yet he has more to learn. God does not live without temptation he has just put himself on the path and has enough knowledge of Truth to live without sin. I know for a fact that God wished he could send us all down here to live without temptation, but he loved us too much to not let us suffer heartache and pain.

He aches for us, every moment we might ache. He loves us unequivocally and beyond understanding. Not until we can begin to grasp the Truth and reality of eternity or infinity could we begin to understand his love. He has achieved eternity, but eternity as well as perfection is only a journey that will never end. God's knowledge grows day by day.

Maybe now you begin to understand why this scripture means so much to me; because Truth, Light, and Knowledge are things I understand to be infinite. These are things I crave in my heart, my mind, and my soul.  All I know is that the Light of the world is Truth and Jesus holds the keys that lead to that Truth. By following him I can have that Light and Truth. I will have all of the essential gear to begin my journey to the end of eternity where all Truths are one Truth.

Genuineness, not genuity(Sounds way better)

I've had several talks about genuineness in the last week or so. This is weird to me because I don't think I was the one that brought any of them up. Presumably I must have lead to them somehow seeing as how I'm the only link between these people. The talks about genuineness all were very different despite being about the same topic. I just want to share some of the things said(whether by myself or the other people I don't remember who said them. I only remember the ideas)

My first talk was in therapy last Friday. I'm a very self conscious person. I'm also a very borderline ADD person. As I explained it to my therapist, it's very difficult for me to give my full attention to one thing because of the fact that I'm so easily distracted. I have an obsessive tendency in me(surprise!) This tendency when...divulged(may not be the right word) in conversation can be a very good thing. Except for the fact that once my full attention is activated, if I AM distracted my full attention leaves the person, the conversation, everything behind. As such, the majority of my conversations I divide my attention 80/20. I distract myself just a little tiny bit so that I can put the large majority of my attention towards the person I want to pay attention to...At least that's why I tell myself I do it. While that's partly true, I think another part of it is the fact that I'm scared of commitment(Trust me, devoting myself entirely to anything, even a conversation, is horrifying to me. That's not something I take lightly, probably due to something like...an obsessive tendency/perfectionism/fear of failure/lack of confidence in myself/a million little things that help make me me and all the little crazies that come along with being me.) As such, there are still some conversations and some people that I get so wrapped up in that I DO devote 100% of my attention to it/her/him/whatevs. These are the things that fascinate me. These are things I'm fully present for, these are things that light up my life and bring me joy. Music, for me, especially when performing is the perfect combination of something I can devote myself fully to without care while being able to lose myself. I love things that let my brain float away and not care.(When your mind is something that is obsessive, letting go is a BIG deal. It's a self medication that can lead to dangerous things, true, but it also lets me recharge so that I can let myself obsess over the things that matter) In case you haven't noticed, I'm rambling a little bit but that's okay, it's my blog! :p Still, these things are totally on topic because these are the roadblocks that prevent me from being that genuine person I long to be. At times in my life, that has been one of my strongest...virtues(is that the right word?) As such my current blocks are something that I strongly detest and wish to obliterate, identifying is a strong part of that.

My second conversation was last night with a good friend of mine who is truly one of the most genuine people I know. As such, someone who fears true genuineness, he seems one of the strongest, most courageous people I know. Strangely, I realized this while talking about the genuineness of someone else with my friend. We were at the concert of Dallyn Bayles in the Keller's back yard house concert. Recently I wrote of the Secret Garden and why I felt like it was so amazing, and why it was one of the hardest shows to let go. These two people were a large part of that. Dallyn was one of the leads in that show, his genuineness is very apparent when performing and as such connects with everyone listening, sort of listening, or even someone that just hears it in the back round of their crazy mind while trying to Shut the Box(stupid box) At his concert last night I once again was able to just bask in that spirit that was made even stronger by his connection to his wife and another truly genuine spirit in Michelle Booth(She was amazing)

As amazing as the performers were last night, the most amazing part was discussing all of this with my friend Barrett who has a spirit just as strong and ever present as any of the people I've mentioned. In watching him and getting to know him over the last 4 months I've been able to see him grow in a way that mirrors and surpasses all I've grown in the last few months. He's one of the reasons this has been on my mind. He may or may not read this, I don't know.

This post has gone a totally different way than I imagined, but apparently this is how I felt. This is what I felt like talking about...maybe. If not, I'll write another one! What I'm trying to say is that being genuine and ever present... It's one of the keys of putting yourself in position to be happy. It by itself may or may not ever lead to happiness, I can't make that promise. Everything in this world has the potential for true happiness. Nothing by itself can MAKE you happy. All the right choices in the world only set you up to be happy. That doesn't mean it'll come.

As such, here are some of the things that help to be genuine and present.

  Lose the ego, surrender yourself: When worrying over the next thing to say, or how to make someone laugh, or whatever. You take yourself away from the situation. You separate yourself from the person attempting to connect with you. Surrender yourself to the whims of fancy and conversation and you may have one of the most meaningful or nonsensical conversations you've ever had. Either way, you'll enjoy yourself.

Be Confident: Losing yourself and your ego requires confidence, not arrogance. This one is a little different. My therapist helped define confidence to me thusly: Confidence bring other people up, arrogance puts others down. Being a confident person in a genuine way empowers others, uplifts them and helps them be genuine as well.

Make the Effort: Look them in the eyes. If you don't know them as well, show them you care. If you don't care yet, make the effort to find something to care about. Find something you ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT.

Honesty: Surprise! Being honest is a really important part of being genuine, that's why it's part of the definition! Genuineness requires trust on both ends. Trust requires honesty. People can tell when people are being fake, even if they don't know it.

There's a million other things you could do to be genuine. If everyone were in a position to be genuine people with each other. This world would be in a much better place than it is. It's hard not to love a genuine person and when you're a genuine person with an honest care for the other person it's hard to deny that love in yourself. Genuine people have an overabundance of love because when you really connect with people you feel loved, and feeling loved allows to share that love with everyone else. There's a reason a smile is contagious!

This is something I'm trying to learn myself, maybe I'll tell you how it goes or maybe if we're lucky enough I'll be able to show you that it's going well! Either way, it's gonna be a grand adventure!

The Secret Garden/Sometimes I learn things

         This is me rambling in an attempt to figure out why this show(The Secret Garden @ HCTO) meant so much to me. It closed last night, until this weekend I was ready for it to close(That usually happens with 7 week runs) I went out with cast members a grand total of one time, including rehearsals(That's from the middle of February till June 2nd) I wasn't single cast(Aka performing every night, I performed every other night, Tues, Thurs, and Saturdays) I didn't even have a show flirt, just a designated show crush!(Show crushes are officially tradition for me, that's 6 in a row now!) These are all the reasons I shouldn't be attached to this show, but I am.

The people in this show...all helped me grow. I didn't realize that until now. They helped teach me to feel love again, which is something I am generally reluctant to do. This was the most special cast I've ever been a part of. Not only was every single person phenomenally talented, they loved this show just as much if not more than I do(Just realizing how much that is, I'm totally on the point of crying, which means I'm basically balling) At call backs, I assumed I wouldn't make it, there was just so much talent I figured I would fall by the way side. No shame in it, sometimes I'm just not good enough. I have a good voice, I think I'm a good actor, but sometimes I'm just not the most talented. I'm okay with that, it's gonna happen. This isn't something that comes naturally to me....but you know what? I made it in. Not only did I make it in, but I could go toe to toe with everyone in this cast, it was good knowing that.

 I never realized it, but going into this show I was hard. I left no room to let my emotions be. Luckily I was in  a show that was all about healing. It took me 6 weeks of rehearsal and 7 weeks of performances, but I think I finally got the message. I was able to experience the beauty that everyone else saw. This show teaches about how it's never too late to grow. There are so many lessons to be learned from this beautiful script, but this one was mine. In my head, the whole story was about me, learning to love and forgive myself so that I could be forgiven. My character and I had to learn the same lessons. Luckily in real life I never went so far as killing a whole room of people, but the same lessons nevertheless. No matter how hard you are, no matter what walls you hide behind, whether they be anger, fear, hate, or whatever, there's always a secret garden inside. It might be wick, but one day with someone to care for it it will be beautiful. There's always hope, for, "Miracles have been known to happen." Just hold on.