Sometimes I go to the hospital.

Sometimes I go to the hospital, but only because they do tests there that they don't do at the doctors office. I'm pretty much fine. I FEEL super crappy, but that's cool because there's nothing physically wrong with me. Apparently. Though sometimes I wish there was something wrong with me so that I can say, "Oh, this is why I'm feeling so crappy and didn't come to work today!" That didn't happen though, which is really quite okay. I'll just explain to my bosses, hopefully they'll understand, and hopefully nothing will go wrong while I'm at work. The way I'm feeling is ridiculously anxious. My heart is racing for very long periods of time, sometimes while I'm sitting, sometimes while I'm standing, and even sometimes when I'm laying down. I'm light headed most of the time. And out of breath too. I'm physically exhausted and feel quite week. I slept for more than 12 hours last night and I still think I'll fall asleep before 10 tonight(Which means at least 8 hours of sleep, which is unusual for me. I usually get 5 or so, not by choice, because of the inability to go to sleep.) So, hey, maybe I'll feel better tomorrow! Here's hoping! And maybe the blood test will come back and say I'm dying of something horrible and sad, here's hoping that that doesn't happen! Let's just hope for something that I can get over super easy now that I know what it is, but that I feel okay saying this is why I couldn't come to work.

No proper title

I hurt, I just found out that a student that I've worked with at Lakeridge Junior high committed suicide. I hurt for the family that I've come to love by going to school with them and working with their children. I hurt for his friends who I know love him dearly, I hurt because I'm sure he hurt. I don't know what was going on his life, I really never knew a lot about him. I knew he was a funny kid, a true joy to be around. I knew he had a positive affect on many people's lives, including mine. He was a great kid that thought it was best for him to not be around any more, and that makes me hurt.

Is it bad I'm sick of life?

My sister's blog makes me think a lot about the things that I've hidden from myself for as long as possible. It made me realize something. I'm tired of everything. I have few bright moments in my life, more so recently I think. Some that I don't give proper gratitude to, it's true. I'm so tired though, I don't know how to care sometimes. If I don't care though, I feel guilty. Which makes it much more difficult to make it through sometimes. I don't know how to release the dark moments and cling to the bright ones. I know it's because the second layer of my brain thinks that I don't deserve it. The scary thing is that's the layer that I normally label as the smart one. The one that figures everything out before I ever realize that I needed to think about it, and then it's there on my plate ready to serve. How do I continue to trust it? The thing I've let me guide me through life and has gotten me where I am, which for the most part is somewhat successful. I guess I treat it like a god sometimes, attribute everything good to it and everything bad to something else.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy most of the time. I have so many things to look forward to and to do. It's just, I'm tired of all the crappy stuff and sometimes it's just so overwhelming I don't know how to handle it, and I don't know how to help someone let me handle it and I don't know anything and I can't do anything right it feels like. I'm weary, but everything I've ever heard about people's life around here that they turn to to relieve their weariness, the very thought makes me anxious and fearful. Frankly, what I need is "me" time but I don't know how to just stop and take "me" time. I just want to quit, and do nothing. Yet I still have a whole lifetime to go. I don't know how to handle that. All I know is I'm currently looking at two weeks with nothing to do, nothing I HAVE to do. I think this will help. Either that or I'm going to go batcrazy and drive to Montana just because I can.

Basically, once again I'm anxious and I don't know how to release it. I want to cry and scream, but I can't. Blegh, I'm sick of life and I want to quit and just go live on the street and not care about ANYTHING. I don't want to care about being excellent, good, or even alive. I want to be able to just sit there and not care. I don't know how to not crave being the best. Life is kicking my butt right now and I don't know how to lose, I can't handle it. I don't know how to win though. For so long my only response I had to not being the best was to quit, drop out, and not deal with it. Now finally life is forcing me to deal with it.

Then suddenly a song called Heart and Music comes on Pandora. You gotta have Heart and Music. Heart and Music get a long. Heart and Music make a song. It just makes sense. I like things that make sense, they're the best.

Anyone have any ideas or places that I can go and just be straight up silly, not care, decompress, and do whatever the hell I want to?

And then I think about how I'm still only 21 and I've got another 70 or so years of this.... I'm still sick of life, but maybe, I'll get through it anyways.

I was a chaperone once.

Once upon a time a few weeks ago. I was a chaperone. Truth be told, I was not ready for it. I knew how to be a drama coach. That is something I can do. Am I the best at it? No, no where near. Do I know what I'm doing? No, not really. Can I do it anyways, and put together a scene or a monologue that at least makes sense? Most of the time. There are some things that I'm just not very good at yet, I'm okay with that. I plan to become better.

But all of that is besides the point, what I really want to talk about is that I was a chaperone. It's horrifying, completely and utterly horrifying. Just ask Mr. Lemen who's daughter I happened to be a chaperone for. I was the last one asleep and the first one awake. That included going to sleep at 2 am and getting up at 6. It was only for 3 days, but I was so tired I fell asleep at 11, in my car. Luckily I wasn't driving, I realized I was going to fall asleep. I lost a few kids a few times, none of them died. For some reason they got in trouble, I didn't... I learned and did room checks! WEIRD!

Yet somehow, I still had the most fun I've ever had at Shakespeare, I came away knowing more so that when I was a teacher my kids were coming. I don't care where I'm teaching, even if it's in New York, Florida, Washington, or even in Cedar City, we're coming! I helped a kid realized that she really DID love doing this stuff. Even though it's hard and intimidating. It's great to do! I had the time of my life, my kids did too!

PS. These kids were SO my kids. I loved everyone of them and it was such a great experience for me. We didn't win a thing, but they learned about what they like to do, they had a good experience and their good experience is what defined it for me.