My sister's blog makes me think a lot about the things that I've hidden from myself for as long as possible. It made me realize something. I'm tired of everything. I have few bright moments in my life, more so recently I think. Some that I don't give proper gratitude to, it's true. I'm so tired though, I don't know how to care sometimes. If I don't care though, I feel guilty. Which makes it much more difficult to make it through sometimes. I don't know how to release the dark moments and cling to the bright ones. I know it's because the second layer of my brain thinks that I don't deserve it. The scary thing is that's the layer that I normally label as the smart one. The one that figures everything out before I ever realize that I needed to think about it, and then it's there on my plate ready to serve. How do I continue to trust it? The thing I've let me guide me through life and has gotten me where I am, which for the most part is somewhat successful. I guess I treat it like a god sometimes, attribute everything good to it and everything bad to something else.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy most of the time. I have so many things to look forward to and to do. It's just, I'm tired of all the crappy stuff and sometimes it's just so overwhelming I don't know how to handle it, and I don't know how to help someone let me handle it and I don't know anything and I can't do anything right it feels like. I'm weary, but everything I've ever heard about people's life around here that they turn to to relieve their weariness, the very thought makes me anxious and fearful. Frankly, what I need is "me" time but I don't know how to just stop and take "me" time. I just want to quit, and do nothing. Yet I still have a whole lifetime to go. I don't know how to handle that. All I know is I'm currently looking at two weeks with nothing to do, nothing I HAVE to do. I think this will help. Either that or I'm going to go batcrazy and drive to Montana just because I can.
Basically, once again I'm anxious and I don't know how to release it. I want to cry and scream, but I can't. Blegh, I'm sick of life and I want to quit and just go live on the street and not care about ANYTHING. I don't want to care about being excellent, good, or even alive. I want to be able to just sit there and not care. I don't know how to not crave being the best. Life is kicking my butt right now and I don't know how to lose, I can't handle it. I don't know how to win though. For so long my only response I had to not being the best was to quit, drop out, and not deal with it. Now finally life is forcing me to deal with it.
Then suddenly a song called Heart and Music comes on Pandora. You gotta have Heart and Music. Heart and Music get a long. Heart and Music make a song. It just makes sense. I like things that make sense, they're the best.
Anyone have any ideas or places that I can go and just be straight up silly, not care, decompress, and do whatever the hell I want to?
And then I think about how I'm still only 21 and I've got another 70 or so years of this.... I'm still sick of life, but maybe, I'll get through it anyways.
Not to disappoint, but I'm pretty sure that ending left on a much more positive note than I'm actually feeling.
ReplyDeleteJustin, my dear, this worries me a lot! I wish you didn't feel like this and I wish you didn't have fear about finding help. I have MANY family members who have felt like you do and they found that sooner or later, no matter how smart they are, (Let's just say they are are MUCH, MUCH smarter then me) they needed help. As much as you don't want to hear it, I can tell you from seeing other family members go through this, that sometimes it doesn't just get better with time. Sometimes our physical bodies need help to stabilize themselves and there is NOTHING wrong with that being the case. If nothing else you have an open invitation to come to my house while I am home this week and I would be happy to give you more information about my experiences. Jeff and I both love you and we both want you to be able to live your life to the fullest!
ReplyDeleteReading this makes me want to trick you over here, or simply kidnap you, and lock you in a room by yourself. :D I miss you So! Just because somethings logical though doesn't make it correct. God's logic does much you can't understand. I know that's hard to register, but you'll get there.
ReplyDeleteWe're here for whatever we can do. Hey, you should come over one of your days available! We would love hanging with you, so much! And then I can give you the small only significant because its full of love gift we have for you!