I just finished a theatrical production of The Scarlet Pimpernel at the SCERA Shell Outdoor Theatre which was also lucky enough to travel to BYU's DeJong Theatre, which is an amazing place to perform. (It is actually my favorite theatre I've ever performed in, there's a part of me that wants to go to BYU just so I could perform there many more times.) It was an incredible experience for me for a plethora of reasons. I met many incredible people whose presence in my life I will forever cherish. Secondly, apparently I was amazing in this show, I didn't feel like I was particularly more impressive than any other show I've been in but several people took notice, including the critics. (I was literally critically acclaimed, it was cool.) I also had the opportunity to perform in a role that was one of my minor dream roles. (Elton) Minor dream role because when people ask me my real dream roles that belongs to Jean Val Jean and Tevye, with Dan(From Next to Normal, whom I'm auditioning to play in a week and a half!!!!! SO EXCITED) being in a not terrible distant but distinctly lower class of dream roles. Elton being in perhaps a class and half below that. (Say, in nobility terms, Tevye is king, Dan is Duke, Reprising my role of Topper is Baron, Elton is minor noble that pays homage to the Duke. Richer than most, but not all, merchants; definitely lives a privileged life, but still free enough from the game of thrones to go about life as one would wish.) Basically, what I'm trying to get at is I love this show, I love the people, I loved the venue, and I loved the role that I was able to portray! I'm reflecting on this and telling you about this because tonight as we said our goodbyes I realized how short my mortality is for Utah Valley theatre. My end is nigh, I have a maximum(if I do two shows at a time) two shows left here before I leave. TWO SHOWS, that's not a lot. That's a hop, skip, and a jump. It's just suddenly heartbreaking because after every show you tell yourself that you'll keep up with your cast members, and some of them you will; but those who seem to fall by the wayside in your life you always justify it with the fact that you'll probably be in another show together and it'll be okay -- Except I won't. I'm moving, I never thought that this would be a hard thing about leaving. I figured, I have to be grown up, make sure I eat, make sure I work, do my homework, make time for me, while learning how to be a teacher. I thought the NEW challenges would be the hardest part, not the letting go, the moving on. I've always had so much anxiety in my life that I could shutter up those parts of my heart that felt those things, but now that I'm learning to make that fight a daily and winnable thing, I find myself much more capable emotionally. Suddenly the moments of finality strike. I keep saying, I'll be in another show with you...but I might not. I'm telling myself I want to be Dan in Next to Normal, but that's the first step away from my theatre family that I've come to know here in Utah Valley. I've done 12 shows with Jerry Elison, 14 at the SCERA, 6 at HCTO, and 1 even at UVU. I've met and come to love amazing people throughout all those shows. I've worked with some of the most amazing people in those shows. Some of those people I've been in almost as many shows as I have with Jerry Elison and now, I'm leaving that community behind and suddenly with that thought I'm heartbroken. The most amazing thing about this is that I'm excited to be heartbroken. Until I wrote that sentence, I thought the last word would be terrified, not heartbroken.
That's really the new era in my life, sure moving to college is a big deal an' all, but I'm starting an era where I can be heartbroken - not scared. I'm moving to a place where I can be defined by love, not fear. I can be defined by me, not my relationships, not those around me, or what I fear those around me think. I've become the person that's hugged 3 random strangers in the last month. Who mowed his brother's lawn because he wanted to doorbell ditch his house. The person who went on a date for the first time in a REALLY long time, then he went on 5 more. I'm the person that will be heartbroken over leaving the people I love behind and yet will still have the courage to trudge on, to grow to become the person that I've always wanted to be. I'm at a new place in my life and it's amazing. I'm the guy that doesn't need to air out his insecurities on a blog for reassurances(Which have been given most lovingly, thank you) I'm learning to be the guy that is okay with telling his story, because I can be the that believes I have a story worth telling and even a story that's worth hearing. I like this guy.
That's really the new era in my life, sure moving to college is a big deal an' all, but I'm starting an era where I can be heartbroken - not scared. I'm moving to a place where I can be defined by love, not fear. I can be defined by me, not my relationships, not those around me, or what I fear those around me think. I've become the person that's hugged 3 random strangers in the last month. Who mowed his brother's lawn because he wanted to doorbell ditch his house. The person who went on a date for the first time in a REALLY long time, then he went on 5 more. I'm the person that will be heartbroken over leaving the people I love behind and yet will still have the courage to trudge on, to grow to become the person that I've always wanted to be. I'm at a new place in my life and it's amazing. I'm the guy that doesn't need to air out his insecurities on a blog for reassurances(Which have been given most lovingly, thank you) I'm learning to be the guy that is okay with telling his story, because I can be the that believes I have a story worth telling and even a story that's worth hearing. I like this guy.
