Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Guys! I'm not dead! That's good right?

So, sometimes this happens ...



By a semi truck...Coming straight towards me. Me facing him heads on with nothing to do but wait. When this happens, I either swear or pray in a particular way.(Exact words were, "Oh, God" Seeing as how that's all the time I had) I'm not entirely sure which one you would call that because I don't think it lacked in sincerity. There was a part of me that said, "Oh hey, we're gonna be pals soon."

That was weird, because in that moment I realized.. I have absolutely zero fear of death. There was no, "Oh, what about the things I haven't done?" There was no fear, no anxiety, no guilt, there was only peace.

Now? I'm living at about 7 on my anxiety scale (9 being the point where I'm frozen and cannot move, a 5 being where I would live at before therapy) Everytime I close my eyes my heart beat jumps about 10 bpm. Fear and guilt about what could and what should I have done better? I just want to go away in a dark corner and be emotionally dead for a while because this hurts. I'm so beyond the point of being obsessed with the situation that I just want to shut down. Basically, I'm jealous of that moment when I thought I knew I was going to die. That peace, that calm, I've never felt that before. Not until feeling it then did I know I hadn't. 

But.. I'm not dead...so that good right? Why don't I feel like it is?

PS. Physically I'm absolutely fine. Which is the best alternative to not being dead I feel. It sucks that my car is probably totaled, but... yeah...life sucks right now so that's gonna happen.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Shameless Self Promotion

Hey! Good people of Utah! (If you're not from Utah, you're still cool don't worry!)

Thursday at 7 at the SCERA Theater the movie I just made is showing! COME VOTE FOR ME AND HOW AWESOME I AM!!! Please? If you do, I'll love you ever so much! So... come do it! 

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Touching Perfection

“Singers and Musicians are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, they face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get real jobs, and their own fear that they'll never work again. Every day, they have to ignore the possibility that the vision they have dedicated their lives to is a pipe dream. With every note, they stretch themselves, emotionally and physically, risking criticism and judgment. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life - the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. Why? Because musicians and singers are willing to give their entire lives to a moment - to that melody, that lyric, that chord, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Singers and Musicians are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes.” - David Ackert, LA Times



I don't know whether or not any of you have ever wondered why I am who I am. This is one of the reasons. This is why I am in theater, this is why I want to teach. The moment where you touch, glimpse or brush by perfection on its way to the super market. That moment is pure electricity, absolute magic. 


It's quotes like this that make me realize I'm not alone. I may not be where I want to be and I live with the chronic fear that what I want is crazy and beyond my grasp. But those moments of perfection... They can define a person. These moments are not limited to musicians, actors, or even any sort of artist. These moments come from being a brother, father, friend, or anything really. That moment where you feel pride and can see that what you've done is good. When you can look into someone's eyes and know, that at least for a moment, they felt loved. That moment they feel hope. 


These are the moments people are scared to feel, because it allows them to glimpse eternity. These are the driving forces behind all arts. People listen to music to feel that closeness and understanding that these artists want to feel. People look at a painting of a can of Campell's Chicken Noodle Soup because... Okay, I still don't get that one; but it makes someone feel. That piece of art no matter how silly it seems to me has allowed someone to feel eternity. 


Hope is the feeling that drives us toward perfection. That drives us to live out our lives. With no hope the thought of eternity is one of Hell. May you one day Touch Perfection, feel that hope, understand God and believe in magic.  Maybe one day I'll be the one to help you guide you on your way with my music, my hope. I pray when I'm lost you'll help guide my way, and remind me of the times I've glimpsed eternity.