"This is juicy!"

This isn't really musical theatre related, but it is about acting. I was able to attend a lecture entitled theatrical justice. I was genuinely worried that when the lecture started he was just a bitter old man who didn't quite achieve the success he wanted, but he was absolutely successful. He was successful because he believed in the integrity of the craft of acting. Obviously I have yet to truly experience the "business" side of acting, but it was wonderful to see someone so excited about trained actors. It was exciting because I absolutely was aware of the excellence of training I'm receiving here at SUU. I'm not sure he knew as well as I did, but he had so much faith in the act of training. It was refreshing.

Afterwards he allowed us to read scenes. And while he didn't come with world changing acting advice. By his own admission he's a terrible actor, but when you've observed good acting for a long enough time, you learn a bit how to coach it. Everything he worked was cold reading. Apparently he hates monologues. He saw me working a bit before the workshop/lecture and offered me a scene to work. My initial reaction was that it was a really heavy scene, filled with passion and anger and I got so excited because it was so juicy! Because it was so juicy I made the mistake of acting "this is juicy" "this is angry" Honestly, it's almost embarrassing admitting that! I've been here 3 years! I know better! He literally jsut told me that. So I got to look at it again, I got to play with it a bit more, recognize that first instincts aren't necessarily right. I got to go in and do good work. He gave me a few more scenes. I got to play a bit more, remind myself to look a bit deeper than my surface instincts, go a bit farther, be more specific, and it was just a wonderful day of theater. I loved it. 

Keaton and friends.

It's very liberating watching your friends kill it in class. Keaton specifically killed it. I was so proud of him. I'm not sure he's aware of just how great he really is. But that kid is going places and it's exciting to watch. It's weird when you're old being inspired by those so much younger than you, but inspiration is inspiration. It's frustrating when you know the only difference is he did his crap and for some reason, I didn't. I don't know why I get in my way so much, but I really do. I should stop that.

The other day

So I got called out because I was ill-prepared. It doesn't mean I suck. It means I have more potential than that. So here's what I can do and have done.
 Focus. I'm not very good at it when I'm at home. I can do better.
Be Specific. I believe I have a lot of potential to be a powerful actor, it starts with specifics.
Knowledge: Don't sell yourself short on your homework. It's hard. I know.

Ouch

You know what sucks? Getting called out because you sucked and it being true. Here's to next time.

Musical Theatre

Ahoy people. For the next few months this will be a blog devoted to thing I'm learning in Musical Theatre! This is exciting to me. First, because I've gotten out of the habit of sharing my life and I'm looking forward to attempting to do that; and secondly, because as bad as I am at it and it's a very good thing, especially in acting classes, to write down what you learn, what you feel and what you need to do to take the next step.

And starting with that last idea, I had the terrifying privilege to perform in my class today. It was my first performance and overall, I believe it went very well. I was confident in my choices, I was confident in the music, and I think I brought not just a good vocal performance, but a good acting one as well. I was proud of what I did because knowing me, I've struggled with confidence and preparation, especially in acting classes. (For those that don't know SUU kids bring it, and it's amazing and intimidating)

Of course, we don't learn anything if one simply congratulates themselves. So what I can improve on I'm excited to, because the issues immediately apparent are things I struggle with across all acting. (And life) First, while I can make strong choices I have an issue of committing to them. This fear stunts everything in my performance. It bars full access to the sound I can produce, it stifles my body movements, and denies the specificity required to fully achieve my goals as an actor..

Melinda, my professor, helped me realize first how much tension I was holding within myself. (Surprise!) I don't know if she even realized that; but just in the pushing to find energy for the physical commitment it was in itself an elimination of that physical tension that stood as a barrier. As physical tension dissipated lead to emotional tension making room suddenly more room to breathe and find the power in my voice appeared. However, Melinda pointed out, and I absolutely agree, there was still something holding me back from achieving the success that I truly desire.  

This I Believe

This I believe was a homework assignment very much along the lines of what I normally post on here, so I figured I would just put it up, so that you can learn more about me on my adventure. :)

“This I Believe is an international organization engaging people in writing and sharing essays describing the core values that guide their daily lives.”

“We invite you to contribute to this project by writing and submitting your own statement of personal belief. We understand how challenging this is—it requires such intimacy that no one else can do it for you. To guide you through this process, we offer these suggestions. thisibelieve.org

Actors are the students of humanity, the embodiment of empathy, and the vehicle of catharsis. As an actor I must learn to be everyone. I must learn to understand who they are, who they’ve been, and who they want to be; and in coming to fully understand someone it is impossible to feel anything but love. In short, as an actor, I must learn to love. In learning to love, I have come to believe that there is nothing but love.

I believe the power of love, the beauty of love, the passion of love, the hope of love. Love is what gives us the inspiration to achieve.\There is a defining love that drives me forward and it is only my fears that hold me back. These two sides of a coin, this yin and yang, that have left me balancing on the precipice between hope and despair.

For myself it is the love of admiration that drives me. Quite simply, I love to be adored and with that love I have an equally unique fear the shames me. A fear that can drive me to a standstill, that halts any possible remembrance of love.In my fear, my anxiety which in truth is nothing but fear, I run, I hide, I despair in all that might ever be because there is nothing but fear here inside. The only possible solution and answer for this fear is love.

It can be any kind of love from any source. The love of a father, a friend, brother, mother, sister, wife, or even myself. Yes, the most powerful and meaningful love I have found in my life is that of the power of accepting and understanding myself, and therefore loving myself. However, I have no greater fear than myself. The fear of my potential, my success, and the maddening fear that I am not good enough to stand on this earth - and so, facing that fear, I choose love. A love that springs hope eternal, a love that allows success in my life, a love that allows me to be free. A love that disperses fear like the lantern dispels darkness. A love that abides. I believe there is nothing but love.

Showing off

Sometimes I talk about the fact that I do theater and such. It's an important thing on my journey, so I thought I share some videos I'd made of me singing. (It's a play list of 3 songs, lasting about 7 minutes)

I went to see the Vagina Monologues.

I went to see the Vagina Monologues. I went with a lot of trepidation. My friend had described it to me as stories about women's *surprise!* vagina. From sex, to rape, to masturbation. Being a nice Mormon kid from Orem,.Utah. The idea freaked me out, but I said I would go and it was a famous piece of theater that I wanted to see for the sake of seeing once.


It was beautiful. It was exactly what I was told it was going to be and it was SO MUCH MORE. I went in with my brain saying, "Oh, the sex organs are vulgar. Penises are vulgar, but since I have one it doesn't seem so vulgar, but the vagina? EWWW GROOOOSSS." I'm a really mature person, I know.Yes, they use the f word and even the c word and I was like... I'm supposed to be feeling uncomfortable... but I was enraptured. Women were talking about their vagina, yes - but they were speaking about themselves and who they were and that their vagina was, in fact, a part of them and THAT'S HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE!

They spoke of their "down there" as imagined as an entirely different part of them, something foreign. A disease, or parasite. People treat sex and their sexual organs with so much disdain and horror. There is no shame.It's a part of you, an essential part of you. I'm a Mormon, I believe in intelligent design. That GOD created us, and guess what? He made those a part of us for a specific reason. It is us as humans and society that have shunned them, created sex into a terrible monster. Yes, there is a beautiful reason to wait till marriage for this, but that reason isn't because it's disgusting, or harmful. It's because it's beautiful and powerful. It's a power that I believe is best found with someone you've committed to for an eternity, something that can unite two people into one.

My entire life I've have been taught that women are queens and princesses and deserve to be treated so. Which is true, I just never knew why. I thought I did, but I didn't. There was a story of a girl that hated her vagina. She felt only scorn and disgust and wondered why anyone would go near it, but she started speaking of this one man who was nothing special. He was plain and boring, until they touched and yada yada yada, they were in her bedroom and he just says, "I wanna see you." I'm right here, duh. "No, I really wanna see you." She describes him as a vagina connoisseur. A true lover of the vagina. Including hers, this woman who feels disgust at the thought of a part of her OWN body, and he's just sitting there. Admiring her, not "it," not a separate entity, designed for pleasure, or child bearing, he was staring at her. Telling her she's beautiful, not that she has a pretty vagina(is that a thing?) Telling HER she's beautiful. She began become aroused, by his attraction to her. Recognizing that this is part of her and she's beautiful. You might think that this is a weird story to prove the divinity of women, but it's not. The divinity of women comes from within. There is NO outward force that qualifies or disqualifies a woman of her divinity. Not rape, not a man, it's her and only her. Sometimes external forces can help one appreciate that divinity, but it comes from within. The abolition of fear and shame will help women find themselves and divinity.

Three quarters of the way through the piece. A little 6 year old girl came out and was asked some questions about her vagina. My brain immediately screamed,"HOLY CRAP THIS IS SO INAPPROPRIATE FOR A LITTLE GIRL!" Then they asked her what her vagina would say, what it would wear, and some other questions that were a part of the interviews that all sorts of women had given. I realized that, yes, some grown up words have been used(Like the "C" word and "F" word) but if my daughter grew up knowing that her vagina is a part of her and that it's a good part of her. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and that it's HER's and her's alone. That yes, there will be pain, pleasure, and spirituality associated with it her entire life and that it's her's to control. She is not her vagina, but her vagina is still her.

I went into the show, and my immediate reaction as these women came out, was a judgement on their looks. That disgusts me now. I thought it was normal 6 hours ago. I thought it was OKAY. I made judgments on how attracted I was to them. Do you realize how wrong that is? To assume that I have any power, any place or right to make that judgment? It's okay to not be attracted to a person, but I made judgments on their character, I literally had the thought of, "Oh, that girls not very attractive why is she talking about her vagina," and, "Oh, that girl is really attractive. Crap, now all I'll be able to think about is her vagina." I disgust myself sometimes, and that's not cool. I should know better, but I let myself slip. My higher standard became one of physical attributes, I have let physical attractiveness dictate my life before. I watched those women walk off stage at the end of the show and I was in awe of all of their beauties. Their strength and courage.

One woman told a story of watching her daughter give birth to her granddaughter. Once again, my initial reaction was, "EWWW GROSS!" She goes on to describe looking into her daughter, at the power and majesty that comes within her. The magic and beauty that is child birth. She described the birth vividly, so vividly that my immature self that says the vagina is vulgar was immensely uncomfortable, at first; but as she described it..it became beautiful. I was amazed.

The most amazing thing to me was after the show. I recognized that the girl sitting next to me had a vagina. It wasn't weird. It wasn't vulgar, it wasn't wrong or shameful. It wasn't anything about sex, it wasn't anything about impure or non-chaste thoughts. It was, hey, you have a vagina. I have a penis. That's all folks. This shouldn't be news or anything, but even though I knew what a vagina was...it was almost shameful. Neither a man nor a woman should be ashamed of any parts of their body or the other's body. It's just amazing to me that an hour of vagina monologues can make women less "sexy" and far more attractive. It amazes me that despite everything I've been taught I failed to see where their beauty comes from. In short, the Vagina Monologues were beautiful, amazing ,wonderful, charming, heartbreaking, and moving. 

Frozen and my life philosophy.

If you haven't seen Frozen you should. Not because it's the best movie in the world, it wasn't. I didn't even like it as much as Tangled and definitely as much as the Disney movies I grew up with, but it also spoke to something that was very much on my mind. You might not have seen these things in the movie that I saw because I was already contemplating writing a blog very much like I hope this one will turn out before I saw it, but Frozen reaffirmed so much of what was already in my brain that it made me so happy.

Here's my latest thoughts on life and my choices in it. In my anxiety my world view often feels very black and white, but it kind of is for everybody. The way I've come to see the world is through two choices. Move with faith or move with fear.

*Spoiler Alert for Frozen*

Here's the basic plot of Frozen, a girl is born with magic powers allowing her to make snow appear whenever she wants and when she's upset when she doesn't want. She is taught conceal, don't feel in regards to this power. Teaching her to believe all emotion is dangerous(This feels familiar..) This leads to fear, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering. In fearing all emotion and therefore contact with people(If you don't believe those are correlated we can definitely have a discussion on the matter, that's a post/essay all by itself) She is afraid of hurting those around her because of past experiences, her fears are reinforced by her father, following what he believes the nice trolls told him. He chose to act out of fear, reinforcing fear in his daughter Elsa's life. Causing her to be a recluse, sure that any knowledge of her magic will cause the people of her land to fear her. (An important note I think I missed is that as a child she injured Auna, her parents took her to trolls to be healed, this is when they said that fear will be Elsa's downfall, or bane, or something like that. setting her on a course of fear throughout her life. Very Oedipus Rexish, right? (side note in a side note, I'm reading that for class right now had to put it in there))

Auna(That's her name, right?) Elsa's little sister, emboldened by her imagination, taught to her from Elsa as a child sees a world through a lens of hope. Never swaying from that path, from believing in love at first meeting, to following her sister through a blizzard(caused by her sister) fighting through being struck down by her sister, both physically(Okay, magically) and emotionally by her sister. She never gives in to fear, and continues to act out of hope. The ice in her heart from being struck by her sisters heart continues to freeze her body, but never her soul. Her one true hope is an act of pure love, so she goes home believing in her true love at first sight. He's a jerk, Olaf(The snowman) Is awesome and helps her recognize what love is. She realizes she's in love with the peasant who's been guiding her through the mountains, goes to find him so she doesn't die. After watching him walk away into mountains he's lived his whole life, while the only thing keeping her alive is the fire that the snowman started for her she walks out into a blizzard in the hope that she would find him.

Elsa, who was found and imprisoned by jerkface. (I don't remember his name, and it's an accurate description though there's a part of me that feels it's necessary to point out that he is a ginger) Escapes, but continues to be hunted by jerkface, but now his intent is to kill her after claiming Auna is dead and that they got married so he is the rightful king. After Elsa dies, but she killed her sister, so she deserves the death penalty, which he will gladly inflict upon her. He meets Elsa on the frozen fjord, tells him of Auna's death while not so far away she continues to seek for real lover boy. At the news of Auna's death Elsa is so distraught that the blizzard ceases, allowing Auna to witness jerkface attempting to kill Elsa. She runs puts herself in the way, freezes and shatters his sword. She continues to act in the hope for her sister's redemption and goodness of heart.

However, she also happened to act on her true love for her sister. Therefore breaking the spell of her doom. Elsa sees that through love and hope, there's a chance to calm the storm of fear inside of her. Allowing her to finally take control of the storm she has caused which has doomed her kingdom. Rather than being afraid of her, her people now see her ability as a miracle, a miracle that can create beauty(I believe Elsa starts to believe this in the song Let it Go, which is why I'm absolutely in love with that song)

If her father had realized that rather raising her in a mire of fear, allowing it to breed and fester, he had fostered it as a strength, of something to be proud of, as something that can bring hope and beauty to the world, then perhaps all their lives could have been saved from such heart aches? With my anxiety I choose every day to believe in hope or fear. Those are the two spirits residing within my soul, the storm rages within soul, I can find the good and beautiful or I can succumb to fears within. Some days I choose hope and some days I do not. I continue to fight that fight as I believe everyone does in some form or another.

 I pray hope will find its way to your heart.

Scarlet Pimpernel and the beginning of a new era.

I just finished a theatrical production of The Scarlet Pimpernel at the SCERA Shell Outdoor Theatre which was also lucky enough to travel to BYU's DeJong Theatre, which is an amazing place to perform. (It is actually my favorite theatre I've ever performed in, there's a part of me that wants to go to BYU just so I could perform there many more times.) It was an incredible experience for me for a plethora of reasons. I met many incredible people whose presence in my life I will forever cherish. Secondly, apparently I was amazing in this show, I didn't feel like I was particularly more impressive than any other show I've been in but several people took notice, including the critics. (I was literally critically acclaimed, it was cool.) I also had the opportunity to perform in a role that was one of my minor dream roles. (Elton) Minor dream role because when people ask me my real dream roles that belongs to Jean Val Jean and Tevye, with Dan(From Next to Normal, whom I'm auditioning to play in a week and a half!!!!! SO EXCITED) being in a not terrible distant but distinctly lower class of dream roles. Elton being in perhaps a class and half below that. (Say, in nobility terms, Tevye is king, Dan is Duke, Reprising my role of Topper is Baron, Elton is minor noble that pays homage to the Duke. Richer than most, but not all, merchants; definitely lives a privileged life, but still free enough from the game of thrones to go about life as one would wish.) Basically, what I'm trying to get at is I love this show, I love the people, I loved the venue, and I loved the role that I was able to portray! I'm reflecting on this and telling you about this because tonight as we said our goodbyes I realized how short my mortality is for Utah Valley theatre. My end is nigh, I have a maximum(if I do two shows at a time) two shows left here before I leave. TWO SHOWS, that's not a lot. That's a hop, skip, and a jump.  It's just suddenly heartbreaking because after every show you tell yourself that you'll keep up with your cast members, and some of them you will; but those who seem to fall by the wayside in your life you always justify it with the fact that you'll probably be in another show together and it'll be okay -- Except I won't. I'm moving, I never thought that this would be a hard thing about leaving. I figured, I have to be grown up, make sure I eat, make sure I work, do my homework, make time for me, while learning how to be a teacher. I thought the NEW challenges would be the hardest part, not the letting go, the moving on. I've always had so much anxiety in my life that I could shutter up those parts of my heart that felt those things, but now that I'm learning to make that fight a daily and winnable thing, I find myself much more capable emotionally. Suddenly the moments of finality strike. I keep saying, I'll be in another show with you...but I might not. I'm telling myself I want to be Dan in Next to Normal, but that's the first step away from my theatre family that I've come to know here in Utah Valley. I've done 12 shows with Jerry Elison, 14 at the SCERA, 6 at HCTO, and 1 even at UVU. I've met and come to love amazing people throughout all those shows. I've worked with some of the most amazing people in those shows. Some of those people I've been in almost as many shows as I have with Jerry Elison and now, I'm leaving that community behind and suddenly with that thought I'm heartbroken. The most amazing thing about this is that I'm excited to be heartbroken. Until I wrote that sentence, I thought the last word would be terrified, not heartbroken.

That's really the new era in my life, sure moving to college is a big deal an' all, but I'm starting an era where I can be heartbroken - not scared. I'm moving to a place where I can be defined by love, not fear. I can be defined by me, not my relationships, not those around me, or what I fear those around me think. I've become the person that's hugged 3 random strangers in the last month. Who mowed his brother's lawn because he wanted to doorbell ditch his house. The person who went on a date for the first time in a REALLY long time, then he went on 5 more. I'm the person that will be heartbroken over leaving the people I love behind and yet will still have the courage to trudge on, to grow to become the person that I've always wanted to be. I'm at a new place in my life and it's amazing. I'm the guy that doesn't need to air out his insecurities on a blog for reassurances(Which have been given most lovingly, thank you) I'm learning to be the guy that is okay with telling his story, because I can be the that believes I have a story worth telling and even a story that's worth hearing. I like this guy. 

Oh hey, I still have a blog/The recipe for MY happiness.

HEY! I still have a blog. Who knew? Unless of course you're one of the thousands of spam bots that absolutely LOVE my Things that Make me Giggle post. Seriously though, those spam bots love it.

I was reading this blog post Twelve Habits of Happy Healthy People who don't Give a Crap about your Inner Peace (WARNING: This post would be Rated "R" For foul language) This post made me happy.

You know what else this post wanted to make me do? Write about the recipe for MY happiness. Somethings on it may help you find happiness in your life, and if it does COOL! If not, meh.

Numero Uno. Be me ALWAYS.

2. Find time to be uninhibited me. If I want to laugh crazy loud, laugh crazy loud. If I want to stick my tongue out at that random stranger stick my tongue out at that random stranger. If I want to punch something, or go hiking or stare at a rock for 3 hours. Find time to be Absolute ME.

Tres. Do something you love everyday.

4 Find something to do for someone I love everyday

Cinco. Express myself, to someone.

6. Have friends that I can express myself with as well as be my uninhibited me. The friends that won't be embarrassed by me. That friends that don't try to bring me down when I need to be Absolute ME.

Siete. Be annoyed when I'm annoyed rather then let it fester into anger. Enjoy the little things, experience the little things and do your best to not blow all the little things out of proportion.

Ocho. Find a new adventure in the things you do every day. (Even if it's breaking a silly patter of a numerical symbol followed by the Spanish number)

8.999... Don't bring yourself down when you DO blow something out of proportion. When you DO let annoyances fester into anger. You made a mistake and THAT'S OKAY.

10. Do your best to learn from mistakes.

11. If you're angry at yourself A Figure out why and B. It's okay to use your anger as motivation to fix it. You're angry at yourself because you feel you did something wrong. Anger is better than depression

DiceDos Embrace your OCD. You're OCD because you feel like something is wrong.

13. Be stronger than your anxiety.

14. Know when to edit yourself. You don't have to "cater" to your audience, but you do have to know when to hold something in.

15. Remember that your loved. Seriously, you're awesome and people love you. YOU LOVE YOU, you just can't always remember it. If you're not feeling it right now, express your love to someone.

16. Remember that anxiety isn't the devil. It's a part of you. You feel anxious for a reason and it's not always a bad thing.

17. Remember that anxiety isn't your friend. It's a part of you. You feel anxious for a reason and it's not always a good thing.

18. Remember that you're strong, talented, and if I do say so myself goldurned good looking.

Dicenueve. Remember that you're not always the strongest, most talented or best looking person and that's okay.

20. Be aware of those around you and their needs, you cherish the opportunities involved in bringing smiles to other peoples' faces.

21. You're journey will be hard but that doesn't mean you need to take it alone. Some days you'll want to be alone and you shouldn't be, some days being alone will be exactly what you need and some days you'll be strong enough to cry out for help when you need it. Some days you'll be strong enough to answer other's calls for help.

22. He honest, strong, confident, and humble. Do your best to put yourself to serve those who need it. Some days you'll answer that call and some days you won't.

23. You're not a terrible person for saying you can't today.

24. You'll be unhappy if you answer that call every time.

25. It's okay that you're that way.

26. Choose to believe in magic.

This is what I look like when I'm happy/an evil villain. Also, if you read the blog I linked to you'll appreciate the fact that this is not a picture of a woman in yoga pants on an empty beach staring out into the sunset. 

Junior High

Once upon a time I was in a play with a younger sister of a girl I thought was pretty in junior high school. Does this have any real significance to life? No, not really. But it got me thinking about who I was in junior high, and wondering how I'm different and the journey that got me here. Now I know, that's what I'm always thinking about, especially on my blog...about my journey called life.. but this feels different. Because  I realized that in junior high, I was always alone in a crowd of people, too afraid to be alone and too afraid to let people in. Am I different now?

The short answer? Yes, very much so. The long, complicated answer involving a therapist. Not really. Have I allowed people into my life? Definitely, I have an abundance of people that love and care for me and a just as great abundance of people to love and care for. So much so that there are times in my life that I long for solitude and indifference because I didn't know what happier felt like so I was quite content to stroll along that path completely indifferent to happiness and misery. Though, I was probably miserable, which is why there were times I wished death; but there were also times of joy.

The first thing that comes to my mind with both of those was my friend Jared Anderson. Honestly, when his death was announced over the intercom at school I didn't know his last name and so it hardly phased me. Then someone pointed out to me, that this was the Jared from our football team. One of my only friends, someone who I had been myself around. Someone that I talked to openly, freely, and often with. This had happened very rarely in my life. (for those of you not aware, I was perhaps one of the shyest children ever. Now I'm aware that I was also one of the most anxious children ever, hence my shyness) In 7th grade I didn't talk to people. I didn't talk in class, in the halls, or at lunch. I sat by people and I listened to their conversations and I observed who they were. In 7th and 8th grades I knew the names of everyone whose name I had ever heard. I knew things about them because I just sat back and listened and watched. I learned what a 7th grader acted like and participated in those activities because..that's what I was supposed to do. I was not brave enough to do anything myself, I watched and waited till it was safe. (Thankfully I had a loving family who, while probably not understanding...bore the insanity that came with all of this anxiety when I got home. I had that release for a while at least, and while it wasn't ever pleasant for my siblings or their friends from the stories they tell)

Now that you understand why it was incredible for this child of anxiety to have a friend that he could be open with, let me share with you what brought him to mind. The two most intense emotions I felt as a 7th grader were the sorrow at his passing, and joy that I understood that he was with God. That knowledge was possibly one of the most important moments in my life. It allowed me the safety to continue loving. I don't know if that's strange to you or not, that the mere belief that he was with God rather than Limbo, Purgatory or the strange nothingness of absolute death. (The mere concept of which my brain cannot grasp, it just seems...illogical)

That small bit of understanding allowed me to launch into the next few phases of my life. I slowly opened up to the people that have always known me, eventually they became friends. A few of them said, hey, you should come audition for this play; only one of the most important moments in my life. That experience, allowed me to be confident enough in myself that when I went to EFY the next year(by myself, because..well asking someone to come be my roommate because I like them enough to spend a whole week with them was still completely out of the question) By myself, I entered into this strange U of U campus(because, I didn't want to be able to walk home...because I was so terrified, I might have) I entered alone, not knowing a single person there. I left, knowing the names of over 300(possibly 400) and with several friendships that would last at least a few years. These new friends and the confidence I gained from this experience allowed me to make the choice of quitting football, which I knew wasn't right for me. Not only that, but allowed me to enter into the strange world of marching band which my dad suggested I do because he didn't want me sitting at the house all summer. (Though, in my defense I was at least in a play too!) This action, is the 2nd most important action in school years(the first being to actually audition and accept that role) It shaped who I became, who I was around, and who my friends are to this day. My best friends are my friends because of marching band. The person that I would be if I had not been in marching band is inconceivable, unimaginable, and stupefying to even attempt to conjecture who I would have become.

Throughout the course of the next 3.5 years, I would open up to several hundred kids with whom I shared only a single goal and the hardships brought on by the "cruel reign of Lemen" (Whom was 2nd only to my junior high drama teacher in my list of favorites and reasons why I want to be a teacher) I hardly know any of their names, so few of their stories other than those they shared on that bus, or in that random hotel room.

It's just incredibly some days, to look back at one's history. To take the lessons you've learned, and see how you learned them despite the fact that you didn't know you were learning them at the time. How a few simple decisions can absolutely transform one's life.  

An article on same sex marriage.

I ask you to read the article first, then feel free to read my response and then please discuss, ja?

I’m Gay and I Oppose Same-Sex Marriage | Public Discourse

Here's where I agree with this article.

1. It discusses something that is very important to me. Cheapening relationships by making them increasingly and predominately sexual things. I personally feel it's an attack on all forms of sexuality. By forever increasing the importance of sex it continually decreases all form of relationships making them more difficult. From me being friends with a girl, with a boy, father, brother, sister,mother, son or daughter. By continuously putting sex in the forefront it cheapens all aspects of life.

2. It increases the role of government in a family's everyday life. I don't like that. My personal belief is a smaller government is a better government.

3. I personally have always agreed with the last paragraph, the family of a father and mother is the most successful form of "social unit." That does not mean success cannot come from other forms of the family, just that statistically it's the most likely to be a successful family. (Y'know, happy, send children out into the world that can then become "productive citizens,"...and really I don't know what else to add for a successful family, how would you define that?)

4. He acknowledges that good and happy relationships can exist in all forms. I believe that very strongly. There love to be found and love to be had for all.

This is his story, and I love it. Not all stories will end this way, not all stories will end my way. I just hope that our adventures can all lead to a place of happiness. Don't make your happiness depend on others, use your happiness to bring joy to other's lives.

Painting an alternate reality.

So, sometimes in life I get obsessed with could have beens, generally this is a source of anxiety. Today however, it's an adventure into my imagination.

Where this started? In my shower, today around 9:10 am. Why this came into my head? No idea, but I love it.

What if Rome fell to Hannibal and the Carthaginians around(my guess, too lazy to look it up) 200BC? 200 years later, Christ is born, but Isreal is occupied by say...The Persians rather than the Romans who never conquered Europe or the Middle East. Or perhaps Paul makes his way to Carthage instead of Rome, where eventually the emperor converts to Christianity, but Carthage's empire is based on the African coast of the Mediterranean. Their empire engulfs Spain, Southern and Western France, Italy, Northern Africa from Egypt to the Atlantic Ocean...but they've also expanded south down the west coast of Africa and North to England. Creating their own vast empire, but a maritime civilization rather than one that conquers vast amounts of land. Christianity spreads...but into Africa. After it's collapse, a great Christian kingdom arises in Egypt. 500 years later, about 700 AD. Muhammed is born, founds Islam; but rather than spreading west across Africa it encounters resistance from Christian Egypt. Instead it spreads North, and with no Eastern ROman empire, it continues to spread towards Germany, Russia, and Norway. Rather than Constaninople(or today Istanbul) standing in their way, the great border between Islam and Christian nations spreads from The Danube, the alps, the Red Sea and in Africa the great Christian Nations influenced by Carthage of West Africa are separated from the Muslim city states on the east coast.

In the picture, Red is the countries most influenced by Christianity in our world. Green, Islam. Blue is the dividing line between Christianity and Islam in my alternate reality. Orange is the what the Islamic Caliph would look like at the height of it's power(green - Indonesia and Bangladesh is what theIslamic "empire" looked like around 1300, add Spain.)
Purple is the proposed height of the Carthaginian Empire after defeating Rome, the star being the rough location of Carthage.(Rough location because the Romans so thoroughly destroyed it that it has not been found)

It's interesting to think where else this would lead. Perhaps African nations would be the ones to launch colonialism into the new world, where their diseases were not as efficient in wiping out the native population? The Aztec and Incan empires successfully retained their independence? The Iroquois Federation successfully establishes a hierarchy bordering an empire in North America? Perhaps white barbarians from Norway, Sweden, and Germany are imported into small island colonies in the Caribbean.

Or perhaps if history were to remain much more similar. There would be no Greco and Roman ideals of Democracy taught in a Christian America. There was no Rome and Greece has been an Islamic country for 1000 years at this point. Athen's Democracies are perhaps just a small blip of curiosity in world history without Rome expanding Greece's culture.

Isn't it amazing thinking about the lives that had lead us where we are? What if just a few things in history had gone different? Hannibal successfully sacks Rome, destroying the Roman backbone in the second Punic War. Rome eventually completely succumbs to Carthaginian endeavors and is destroyed so thoroughly that people today can only speculate on the true location of the city of Rome.

Things that Need to be said.

So, first off we're going to start off with an open letter to the People of Sweden.

For the most part that I can tell, you're a pretty cool people. You're stereo typically gorgeous, that's good. I'm a big fan of pretty people. You're really good at the Winter Olympics, which happens to be my favorite to watch. You've got some pretty amazing skiers, that's cool. Oh, and you've visited my blog 78 times in the past week. I was just wondering why. I mean I think it's cool. If I became a huge sensation in Sweden I would be totally okay with that. I'm just wondering what it is that you like about me.

Sincerely, me

So...that was my open letter to the People of Sweden, if you're Swedish or you know why my blog is suddenly popular in Sweden that's totally cool, but please respond in the comment section. Seriously, I'm like dying to know.
 (I say like because I'm not literally dying, you could say I'm figuratively dying; but it's not quite even that. It's akin to dying, but of a far lesser extent. There is a part of me that wants to know, and is in fact yearning and possibly starving to know but this distinct form of a lack of knowledge will not in fact kill me.)

Now onto Storytime!! .../Complaining time!

So once upon a time I was reading this book, it was a good book - not the best book I've ever read, but good. This book was part one of the Mistborn Trilogy by Brandon Sanderson. I started reading this book because I absolutely positively loved how he ended the Wheel of Time Series which is kind of an amazing epic.
 (Let's take a chance to marvel at technology, shall we? This book is a total of 14 books, 684 chapters, 12,000 pages, 4 million words, and in audio form 419.5 hours. One, there is the technology that allowed me to look that up in less than 10 seconds. Two, there is the technology that has widespread this to millions of people. An epoch that makes the Iliad look like a pansy. The Iliad is approximately 700 pages. With the Odyssey being even shorter, about 500 pages. I use these two examples because back before written word was common these were among the longest stories ever told. These were epochs that rightly took hours and several nights to listen to. Told by truly talented bards and minstrels that performed them in prose. Fast forward several thousand years to 2013 when I'm finishing the last book that itself is longer than the Iliad comprised of 14 books...each that is longer than the Iliad. This book, has been recorded so that we may listen to it wherever we have access to a digital media player. It has been printed millions of times and sold all around the world so that millions can share in this wonderful story of humanity. Thank you for taking this chance of a moment to marvel with me)

So...where was I? RIGHT! I just finished the first book, it was good but..kind of abrupt. So I start reading the second book..and I'm look WOAH! This skipped a whole bunch but it still kind of makes sense and it's really exciting so I'm totally okay with it! Until they start referencing something, and then I start putting things together... The thing they're referencing is the title of the (Now known to be) 2nd book. This made me sad, because despite the fact that I am now several hundred pages into the 2nd book nothing has happened that is nearly exciting as the first 100 or so pages of the third book. Though I am reading the second book much faster than I think I would have otherwise because I know what is in store for me and I want to know how Vin and Co. are going to get there!

Thanks for listening to my story. I hope you're okay that today was much less philisophical than many of my posts of late. It's just that there are things that need to be said, but the needing to say does not make them important. It just makes them necessary. 

Guys! I'm not dead! That's good right?

So, sometimes this happens ...



By a semi truck...Coming straight towards me. Me facing him heads on with nothing to do but wait. When this happens, I either swear or pray in a particular way.(Exact words were, "Oh, God" Seeing as how that's all the time I had) I'm not entirely sure which one you would call that because I don't think it lacked in sincerity. There was a part of me that said, "Oh hey, we're gonna be pals soon."

That was weird, because in that moment I realized.. I have absolutely zero fear of death. There was no, "Oh, what about the things I haven't done?" There was no fear, no anxiety, no guilt, there was only peace.

Now? I'm living at about 7 on my anxiety scale (9 being the point where I'm frozen and cannot move, a 5 being where I would live at before therapy) Everytime I close my eyes my heart beat jumps about 10 bpm. Fear and guilt about what could and what should I have done better? I just want to go away in a dark corner and be emotionally dead for a while because this hurts. I'm so beyond the point of being obsessed with the situation that I just want to shut down. Basically, I'm jealous of that moment when I thought I knew I was going to die. That peace, that calm, I've never felt that before. Not until feeling it then did I know I hadn't. 

But.. I'm not dead...so that good right? Why don't I feel like it is?

PS. Physically I'm absolutely fine. Which is the best alternative to not being dead I feel. It sucks that my car is probably totaled, but... yeah...life sucks right now so that's gonna happen.

Shameless Self Promotion

Hey! Good people of Utah! (If you're not from Utah, you're still cool don't worry!)

Thursday at 7 at the SCERA Theater the movie I just made is showing! COME VOTE FOR ME AND HOW AWESOME I AM!!! Please? If you do, I'll love you ever so much! So... come do it! 

Touching Perfection

“Singers and Musicians are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, they face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get real jobs, and their own fear that they'll never work again. Every day, they have to ignore the possibility that the vision they have dedicated their lives to is a pipe dream. With every note, they stretch themselves, emotionally and physically, risking criticism and judgment. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life - the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. Why? Because musicians and singers are willing to give their entire lives to a moment - to that melody, that lyric, that chord, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Singers and Musicians are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes.” - David Ackert, LA Times



I don't know whether or not any of you have ever wondered why I am who I am. This is one of the reasons. This is why I am in theater, this is why I want to teach. The moment where you touch, glimpse or brush by perfection on its way to the super market. That moment is pure electricity, absolute magic. 

It's quotes like this that make me realize I'm not alone. I may not be where I want to be and I live with the chronic fear that what I want is crazy and beyond my grasp. But those moments of perfection... They can define a person. These moments are not limited to musicians, actors, or even any sort of artist. These moments come from being a brother, father, friend, or anything really. That moment where you feel pride and can see that what you've done is good. When you can look into someone's eyes and know, that at least for a moment, they felt loved. That moment they feel hope. 

These are the moments people are scared to feel, because it allows them to glimpse eternity. These are the driving forces behind all arts. People listen to music to feel that closeness and understanding that these artists want to feel. People look at a painting of a can of Campell's Chicken Noodle Soup because... Okay, I still don't get that one; but it makes someone feel. That piece of art no matter how silly it seems to me has allowed someone to feel eternity. 

Hope is the feeling that drives us toward perfection. That drives us to live out our lives. With no hope the thought of eternity is one of Hell. May you one day Touch Perfection, feel that hope, understand God and believe in magic.  Maybe one day I'll be the one to help you guide you on your way with my music, my hope. I pray when I'm lost you'll help guide my way, and remind me of the times I've glimpsed eternity. 

Discovering I'm a "Terrible, terrible person"

So I read my sister's blog. We have very different world views and there are things that she writes that make me legitimately angry. I love her dearly, though, and we pretty much always are able to discuss enough so that I can learn why I am angry and what made me angry and so that I can understand where she comes from enough so that I can learn to empathize with her in the future.(And also, to be able to calm down) This is my general reaction towards most things in this life, really.

As such, in general to start these conversations I comment on her blog. Sometimes that means I have discussions with people who aren't my sister. And this is how I came to learn I'm a "terrible, terrible person."

\This is not a blog post about the conversation I had, nor is it about whether or not I believe I'm a terrible person. (I don't) This is about my reaction to it.

Let's be honest, every once in a while for the past few days I have gotten painful bouts of anxiety and the repeat of these words in my head. It's honestly a terrible and painful experience for me to go through, because I came off as a terrible person while trying to understand a person. (Tangent: Part of how I work is that the act of putting forth the effort to understand someone makes it inevitable that you will love that person, it as an act of love to me; as such, I began opening my heart to this person because they confused me so.)

 First off, there's the anxiety of "failure." I'm a perfectionist, if you're not aware; and as such, Doing things wrong really bother me. I don't like losing, and I in a way to make my perfectionism "safe" to me I make the world a game into simple "win" and "lose," this is a loss.

Secondly, there's the worry and anxiety of, am I really a "terrible, terrible person?" I don't want to be that and I get real honest pain from the fact that someone thinks I am. Yes, I know that it's ridiculous to think that everyone in this world can think I'm an awesome person, but whether realistic or not it is a goal I aspire to. I sincerely wish to live in a way that people can love me. My biggest plan towards this is to live in a way where I can open myself to love everyone, including, and most importantly, myself. (Tangent: I say this in recognition that that is not always a guarantee, but I also know that I cannot sacrifice myself for other's "love" because that will not be love.)

Lastly, I it's only bouts of anxiety because I don't believe it. Partly because as soon as my sister read it she called to make sure I'm aware I'm not because she understands me well enough to know that even from a complete stranger, that hurts me. Partly because I can look back and see that while I did misspeak I also was not a terrible person in our debate. I felt(and my sister confirmed) that I was loving in my speech and in my attempt to understand. I was I perfect? Clearly not. Was I me? Definitely! Was I, or am I, a terrible person? No, I believe I wasn't.

This is new to me, I think. From what I know of me, I was a bad muddah, who took no crap from nobody(10 brownie points if you get the quote!)...while still believing everything mean or terrible anyone ever said about me. The fact that they said that and I didn't believe it...feels new.

High School and what if's..and maybe a tangent or two.

Once upon a time, I worked at a high school. I hated my job, I really did. OH WAIT! That's right now... OH WELL


That was a really good segue into what I wanted to write about, which is who were you in high school? (BOOM, MIND BLOWN at how good that segue was.)

For me? I was the weirdest combination of overachiever and slacker, snobby and friendly, shy and outgoing, and probably most of the opposites you can think of.  The reason I've been thinking of this? I work in a high school duh! Oh, and I've been talking to one of the teachers who's room I clean about her students and how I was in high school. Which was the kind of student she loves or hates the most(This once again sounds familiar)  Seriously though, to be frank, I'm smart, I'm attentive(most of the time) I'm a deep thinker(some of you may have discovered this for the first time on my blog, Zack, I'm looking at you :p ) I TRULY love learning, I always have. Yet... I was truly a slacker. Don't get me wrong, I worked hard at being a slacker, but I was definitely a slacker. I made my own rules and lived by them, my rules said that if I did well on the tests I was learning what I needed to learn. To be honest though, if I didn't do well I started putting even LESS effort into the class. (It's not a rare occurrence for me to want to go back and punch high school Justin in the face. He was a punk.)

And...then I got distracted by facebook and I don't remember where I was going with this...



...



....   .....
   /
   --
.............
    l l
    U

If you can't tell, that was me sticking my tongue out at you.


...


RIGHT! So, I hoped you enjoyed that brief intermission...


 Okay, so I was a punk in high school, right? OKAY, I'm gonna be honest here, I don't remember where I was going so we're going in a whole new direction. Probably, unless this was what I intended I can't remember so I can't really deny whether or not it was.


But I don't think it was..


Do you ever go back through your life and wish things had happened differently? Are there choices in your life that you wonder who would be if you hadn't made this particular decision?! This is why Sci-Fi absolutely fascinates me. For me, the biggest decision that has the most profound and infinite impact on my life was the decision to quit football and join marching band. Most people when they hear that make fun of me at least a little bit, which is fair, for in the normal scheme of high school social hierarchy that's the wrong direction. For me though, it changed my life in a truly infinite and immeasurable way. The people I talk to most in my life, who's presence in my life(aside from my family) is the most important and impacting of my life can be traced directly to band and marching band.

...But what if I had stayed in football? My marching band probably tried to enforce academic eligibility.. but I didn't ever get punished for having terrible grades. Football though? If I wanted to play football my mother would not have had to help me do 20ish packets the last term of my senior year and I'm pretty sure I would have been cleared to graduate much sooner than 20 minutes before the deadline. I like to think I would have been good at it, I have the desire, and I feel, capacity, to be good at everything I do. I was pretty athletic back then(I know, hard to believe, right?)  I could run really well, and I LOVED hitting people. It just felt good to knock the snot out of someone, y'know? Who knows what might have happened? Maybe I would have been good enough someone somewhere would have said, hey! You're good, come play for us, we'll give you a scholarship. Or maybe I might not have even ever played in high school, I really don't know; but there's a part of me that would give up what I have just to find out! Maybe it would be better, maybe it wouldn't. I might have ended up right where I am doing theater anyways(because I DID discover my love for theater before I quit football) Maybe someone would have recruited me to come play for them and I'd be a college graduate right now working somewhere.

These are the things that I obsess about sometimes. I love and hate what if's. They're the things that cause me the most anxiety and they're what brings the most hope into my life. It's the question that drives me forward as much as it holds me back. What holds YOU back? What makes you, you?