Once upon a time I was in a play with a younger sister of a girl I thought was pretty in junior high school. Does this have any real significance to life? No, not really. But it got me thinking about who I was in junior high, and wondering how I'm different and the journey that got me here. Now I know, that's what I'm always thinking about, especially on my blog...about my journey called life.. but this feels different. Because I realized that in junior high, I was always alone in a crowd of people, too afraid to be alone and too afraid to let people in. Am I different now?
The short answer? Yes, very much so. The long, complicated answer involving a therapist. Not really. Have I allowed people into my life? Definitely, I have an abundance of people that love and care for me and a just as great abundance of people to love and care for. So much so that there are times in my life that I long for solitude and indifference because I didn't know what happier felt like so I was quite content to stroll along that path completely indifferent to happiness and misery. Though, I was probably miserable, which is why there were times I wished death; but there were also times of joy.
The first thing that comes to my mind with both of those was my friend Jared Anderson. Honestly, when his death was announced over the intercom at school I didn't know his last name and so it hardly phased me. Then someone pointed out to me, that this was the Jared from our football team. One of my only friends, someone who I had been myself around. Someone that I talked to openly, freely, and often with. This had happened very rarely in my life. (for those of you not aware, I was perhaps one of the shyest children ever. Now I'm aware that I was also one of the most anxious children ever, hence my shyness) In 7th grade I didn't talk to people. I didn't talk in class, in the halls, or at lunch. I sat by people and I listened to their conversations and I observed who they were. In 7th and 8th grades I knew the names of everyone whose name I had ever heard. I knew things about them because I just sat back and listened and watched. I learned what a 7th grader acted like and participated in those activities because..that's what I was supposed to do. I was not brave enough to do anything myself, I watched and waited till it was safe. (Thankfully I had a loving family who, while probably not understanding...bore the insanity that came with all of this anxiety when I got home. I had that release for a while at least, and while it wasn't ever pleasant for my siblings or their friends from the stories they tell)
Now that you understand why it was incredible for this child of anxiety to have a friend that he could be open with, let me share with you what brought him to mind. The two most intense emotions I felt as a 7th grader were the sorrow at his passing, and joy that I understood that he was with God. That knowledge was possibly one of the most important moments in my life. It allowed me the safety to continue loving. I don't know if that's strange to you or not, that the mere belief that he was with God rather than Limbo, Purgatory or the strange nothingness of absolute death. (The mere concept of which my brain cannot grasp, it just seems...illogical)
That small bit of understanding allowed me to launch into the next few phases of my life. I slowly opened up to the people that have always known me, eventually they became friends. A few of them said, hey, you should come audition for this play; only one of the most important moments in my life. That experience, allowed me to be confident enough in myself that when I went to EFY the next year(by myself, because..well asking someone to come be my roommate because I like them enough to spend a whole week with them was still completely out of the question) By myself, I entered into this strange U of U campus(because, I didn't want to be able to walk home...because I was so terrified, I might have) I entered alone, not knowing a single person there. I left, knowing the names of over 300(possibly 400) and with several friendships that would last at least a few years. These new friends and the confidence I gained from this experience allowed me to make the choice of quitting football, which I knew wasn't right for me. Not only that, but allowed me to enter into the strange world of marching band which my dad suggested I do because he didn't want me sitting at the house all summer. (Though, in my defense I was at least in a play too!) This action, is the 2nd most important action in school years(the first being to actually audition and accept that role) It shaped who I became, who I was around, and who my friends are to this day. My best friends are my friends because of marching band. The person that I would be if I had not been in marching band is inconceivable, unimaginable, and stupefying to even attempt to conjecture who I would have become.
Throughout the course of the next 3.5 years, I would open up to several hundred kids with whom I shared only a single goal and the hardships brought on by the "cruel reign of Lemen" (Whom was 2nd only to my junior high drama teacher in my list of favorites and reasons why I want to be a teacher) I hardly know any of their names, so few of their stories other than those they shared on that bus, or in that random hotel room.
It's just incredibly some days, to look back at one's history. To take the lessons you've learned, and see how you learned them despite the fact that you didn't know you were learning them at the time. How a few simple decisions can absolutely transform one's life.
The short answer? Yes, very much so. The long, complicated answer involving a therapist. Not really. Have I allowed people into my life? Definitely, I have an abundance of people that love and care for me and a just as great abundance of people to love and care for. So much so that there are times in my life that I long for solitude and indifference because I didn't know what happier felt like so I was quite content to stroll along that path completely indifferent to happiness and misery. Though, I was probably miserable, which is why there were times I wished death; but there were also times of joy.
The first thing that comes to my mind with both of those was my friend Jared Anderson. Honestly, when his death was announced over the intercom at school I didn't know his last name and so it hardly phased me. Then someone pointed out to me, that this was the Jared from our football team. One of my only friends, someone who I had been myself around. Someone that I talked to openly, freely, and often with. This had happened very rarely in my life. (for those of you not aware, I was perhaps one of the shyest children ever. Now I'm aware that I was also one of the most anxious children ever, hence my shyness) In 7th grade I didn't talk to people. I didn't talk in class, in the halls, or at lunch. I sat by people and I listened to their conversations and I observed who they were. In 7th and 8th grades I knew the names of everyone whose name I had ever heard. I knew things about them because I just sat back and listened and watched. I learned what a 7th grader acted like and participated in those activities because..that's what I was supposed to do. I was not brave enough to do anything myself, I watched and waited till it was safe. (Thankfully I had a loving family who, while probably not understanding...bore the insanity that came with all of this anxiety when I got home. I had that release for a while at least, and while it wasn't ever pleasant for my siblings or their friends from the stories they tell)
Now that you understand why it was incredible for this child of anxiety to have a friend that he could be open with, let me share with you what brought him to mind. The two most intense emotions I felt as a 7th grader were the sorrow at his passing, and joy that I understood that he was with God. That knowledge was possibly one of the most important moments in my life. It allowed me the safety to continue loving. I don't know if that's strange to you or not, that the mere belief that he was with God rather than Limbo, Purgatory or the strange nothingness of absolute death. (The mere concept of which my brain cannot grasp, it just seems...illogical)
That small bit of understanding allowed me to launch into the next few phases of my life. I slowly opened up to the people that have always known me, eventually they became friends. A few of them said, hey, you should come audition for this play; only one of the most important moments in my life. That experience, allowed me to be confident enough in myself that when I went to EFY the next year(by myself, because..well asking someone to come be my roommate because I like them enough to spend a whole week with them was still completely out of the question) By myself, I entered into this strange U of U campus(because, I didn't want to be able to walk home...because I was so terrified, I might have) I entered alone, not knowing a single person there. I left, knowing the names of over 300(possibly 400) and with several friendships that would last at least a few years. These new friends and the confidence I gained from this experience allowed me to make the choice of quitting football, which I knew wasn't right for me. Not only that, but allowed me to enter into the strange world of marching band which my dad suggested I do because he didn't want me sitting at the house all summer. (Though, in my defense I was at least in a play too!) This action, is the 2nd most important action in school years(the first being to actually audition and accept that role) It shaped who I became, who I was around, and who my friends are to this day. My best friends are my friends because of marching band. The person that I would be if I had not been in marching band is inconceivable, unimaginable, and stupefying to even attempt to conjecture who I would have become.
Throughout the course of the next 3.5 years, I would open up to several hundred kids with whom I shared only a single goal and the hardships brought on by the "cruel reign of Lemen" (Whom was 2nd only to my junior high drama teacher in my list of favorites and reasons why I want to be a teacher) I hardly know any of their names, so few of their stories other than those they shared on that bus, or in that random hotel room.
It's just incredibly some days, to look back at one's history. To take the lessons you've learned, and see how you learned them despite the fact that you didn't know you were learning them at the time. How a few simple decisions can absolutely transform one's life.
The big moments of transformation all happened while i was on my mission. That leads to my next thought. One of my biggest regrets in life is at some point in time i might have failed you as a big brother. Those moments you talk about I remember thinking, How can i help Justin through this. Some of them I was home sharing a room with you, some I was not sharing a room, and the last few I was on my mission.
ReplyDeleteIt gladdens my heart reading this seeing/remembering how you were and what you are. You have grown and even though i treat you like my lame lil bro you ROCK.
I think this is way cool. Most of my big moments came while I was in CFC, or because of the people that I met there. Although the biggest/most important/changed the entire course of my life moment was pregnancy and miscarriage. It changed EVERYTHING. Almost overnight. Then it took me five or six years to catch up to the changes.
ReplyDeleteLove you bud - I am very glad you are who you are.