Scarlet Pimpernel and the beginning of a new era.

I just finished a theatrical production of The Scarlet Pimpernel at the SCERA Shell Outdoor Theatre which was also lucky enough to travel to BYU's DeJong Theatre, which is an amazing place to perform. (It is actually my favorite theatre I've ever performed in, there's a part of me that wants to go to BYU just so I could perform there many more times.) It was an incredible experience for me for a plethora of reasons. I met many incredible people whose presence in my life I will forever cherish. Secondly, apparently I was amazing in this show, I didn't feel like I was particularly more impressive than any other show I've been in but several people took notice, including the critics. (I was literally critically acclaimed, it was cool.) I also had the opportunity to perform in a role that was one of my minor dream roles. (Elton) Minor dream role because when people ask me my real dream roles that belongs to Jean Val Jean and Tevye, with Dan(From Next to Normal, whom I'm auditioning to play in a week and a half!!!!! SO EXCITED) being in a not terrible distant but distinctly lower class of dream roles. Elton being in perhaps a class and half below that. (Say, in nobility terms, Tevye is king, Dan is Duke, Reprising my role of Topper is Baron, Elton is minor noble that pays homage to the Duke. Richer than most, but not all, merchants; definitely lives a privileged life, but still free enough from the game of thrones to go about life as one would wish.) Basically, what I'm trying to get at is I love this show, I love the people, I loved the venue, and I loved the role that I was able to portray! I'm reflecting on this and telling you about this because tonight as we said our goodbyes I realized how short my mortality is for Utah Valley theatre. My end is nigh, I have a maximum(if I do two shows at a time) two shows left here before I leave. TWO SHOWS, that's not a lot. That's a hop, skip, and a jump.  It's just suddenly heartbreaking because after every show you tell yourself that you'll keep up with your cast members, and some of them you will; but those who seem to fall by the wayside in your life you always justify it with the fact that you'll probably be in another show together and it'll be okay -- Except I won't. I'm moving, I never thought that this would be a hard thing about leaving. I figured, I have to be grown up, make sure I eat, make sure I work, do my homework, make time for me, while learning how to be a teacher. I thought the NEW challenges would be the hardest part, not the letting go, the moving on. I've always had so much anxiety in my life that I could shutter up those parts of my heart that felt those things, but now that I'm learning to make that fight a daily and winnable thing, I find myself much more capable emotionally. Suddenly the moments of finality strike. I keep saying, I'll be in another show with you...but I might not. I'm telling myself I want to be Dan in Next to Normal, but that's the first step away from my theatre family that I've come to know here in Utah Valley. I've done 12 shows with Jerry Elison, 14 at the SCERA, 6 at HCTO, and 1 even at UVU. I've met and come to love amazing people throughout all those shows. I've worked with some of the most amazing people in those shows. Some of those people I've been in almost as many shows as I have with Jerry Elison and now, I'm leaving that community behind and suddenly with that thought I'm heartbroken. The most amazing thing about this is that I'm excited to be heartbroken. Until I wrote that sentence, I thought the last word would be terrified, not heartbroken.

That's really the new era in my life, sure moving to college is a big deal an' all, but I'm starting an era where I can be heartbroken - not scared. I'm moving to a place where I can be defined by love, not fear. I can be defined by me, not my relationships, not those around me, or what I fear those around me think. I've become the person that's hugged 3 random strangers in the last month. Who mowed his brother's lawn because he wanted to doorbell ditch his house. The person who went on a date for the first time in a REALLY long time, then he went on 5 more. I'm the person that will be heartbroken over leaving the people I love behind and yet will still have the courage to trudge on, to grow to become the person that I've always wanted to be. I'm at a new place in my life and it's amazing. I'm the guy that doesn't need to air out his insecurities on a blog for reassurances(Which have been given most lovingly, thank you) I'm learning to be the guy that is okay with telling his story, because I can be the that believes I have a story worth telling and even a story that's worth hearing. I like this guy. 

Oh hey, I still have a blog/The recipe for MY happiness.

HEY! I still have a blog. Who knew? Unless of course you're one of the thousands of spam bots that absolutely LOVE my Things that Make me Giggle post. Seriously though, those spam bots love it.

I was reading this blog post Twelve Habits of Happy Healthy People who don't Give a Crap about your Inner Peace (WARNING: This post would be Rated "R" For foul language) This post made me happy.

You know what else this post wanted to make me do? Write about the recipe for MY happiness. Somethings on it may help you find happiness in your life, and if it does COOL! If not, meh.

Numero Uno. Be me ALWAYS.

2. Find time to be uninhibited me. If I want to laugh crazy loud, laugh crazy loud. If I want to stick my tongue out at that random stranger stick my tongue out at that random stranger. If I want to punch something, or go hiking or stare at a rock for 3 hours. Find time to be Absolute ME.

Tres. Do something you love everyday.

4 Find something to do for someone I love everyday

Cinco. Express myself, to someone.

6. Have friends that I can express myself with as well as be my uninhibited me. The friends that won't be embarrassed by me. That friends that don't try to bring me down when I need to be Absolute ME.

Siete. Be annoyed when I'm annoyed rather then let it fester into anger. Enjoy the little things, experience the little things and do your best to not blow all the little things out of proportion.

Ocho. Find a new adventure in the things you do every day. (Even if it's breaking a silly patter of a numerical symbol followed by the Spanish number)

8.999... Don't bring yourself down when you DO blow something out of proportion. When you DO let annoyances fester into anger. You made a mistake and THAT'S OKAY.

10. Do your best to learn from mistakes.

11. If you're angry at yourself A Figure out why and B. It's okay to use your anger as motivation to fix it. You're angry at yourself because you feel you did something wrong. Anger is better than depression

DiceDos Embrace your OCD. You're OCD because you feel like something is wrong.

13. Be stronger than your anxiety.

14. Know when to edit yourself. You don't have to "cater" to your audience, but you do have to know when to hold something in.

15. Remember that your loved. Seriously, you're awesome and people love you. YOU LOVE YOU, you just can't always remember it. If you're not feeling it right now, express your love to someone.

16. Remember that anxiety isn't the devil. It's a part of you. You feel anxious for a reason and it's not always a bad thing.

17. Remember that anxiety isn't your friend. It's a part of you. You feel anxious for a reason and it's not always a good thing.

18. Remember that you're strong, talented, and if I do say so myself goldurned good looking.

Dicenueve. Remember that you're not always the strongest, most talented or best looking person and that's okay.

20. Be aware of those around you and their needs, you cherish the opportunities involved in bringing smiles to other peoples' faces.

21. You're journey will be hard but that doesn't mean you need to take it alone. Some days you'll want to be alone and you shouldn't be, some days being alone will be exactly what you need and some days you'll be strong enough to cry out for help when you need it. Some days you'll be strong enough to answer other's calls for help.

22. He honest, strong, confident, and humble. Do your best to put yourself to serve those who need it. Some days you'll answer that call and some days you won't.

23. You're not a terrible person for saying you can't today.

24. You'll be unhappy if you answer that call every time.

25. It's okay that you're that way.

26. Choose to believe in magic.

This is what I look like when I'm happy/an evil villain. Also, if you read the blog I linked to you'll appreciate the fact that this is not a picture of a woman in yoga pants on an empty beach staring out into the sunset. 

Junior High

Once upon a time I was in a play with a younger sister of a girl I thought was pretty in junior high school. Does this have any real significance to life? No, not really. But it got me thinking about who I was in junior high, and wondering how I'm different and the journey that got me here. Now I know, that's what I'm always thinking about, especially on my blog...about my journey called life.. but this feels different. Because  I realized that in junior high, I was always alone in a crowd of people, too afraid to be alone and too afraid to let people in. Am I different now?

The short answer? Yes, very much so. The long, complicated answer involving a therapist. Not really. Have I allowed people into my life? Definitely, I have an abundance of people that love and care for me and a just as great abundance of people to love and care for. So much so that there are times in my life that I long for solitude and indifference because I didn't know what happier felt like so I was quite content to stroll along that path completely indifferent to happiness and misery. Though, I was probably miserable, which is why there were times I wished death; but there were also times of joy.

The first thing that comes to my mind with both of those was my friend Jared Anderson. Honestly, when his death was announced over the intercom at school I didn't know his last name and so it hardly phased me. Then someone pointed out to me, that this was the Jared from our football team. One of my only friends, someone who I had been myself around. Someone that I talked to openly, freely, and often with. This had happened very rarely in my life. (for those of you not aware, I was perhaps one of the shyest children ever. Now I'm aware that I was also one of the most anxious children ever, hence my shyness) In 7th grade I didn't talk to people. I didn't talk in class, in the halls, or at lunch. I sat by people and I listened to their conversations and I observed who they were. In 7th and 8th grades I knew the names of everyone whose name I had ever heard. I knew things about them because I just sat back and listened and watched. I learned what a 7th grader acted like and participated in those activities because..that's what I was supposed to do. I was not brave enough to do anything myself, I watched and waited till it was safe. (Thankfully I had a loving family who, while probably not understanding...bore the insanity that came with all of this anxiety when I got home. I had that release for a while at least, and while it wasn't ever pleasant for my siblings or their friends from the stories they tell)

Now that you understand why it was incredible for this child of anxiety to have a friend that he could be open with, let me share with you what brought him to mind. The two most intense emotions I felt as a 7th grader were the sorrow at his passing, and joy that I understood that he was with God. That knowledge was possibly one of the most important moments in my life. It allowed me the safety to continue loving. I don't know if that's strange to you or not, that the mere belief that he was with God rather than Limbo, Purgatory or the strange nothingness of absolute death. (The mere concept of which my brain cannot grasp, it just seems...illogical)

That small bit of understanding allowed me to launch into the next few phases of my life. I slowly opened up to the people that have always known me, eventually they became friends. A few of them said, hey, you should come audition for this play; only one of the most important moments in my life. That experience, allowed me to be confident enough in myself that when I went to EFY the next year(by myself, because..well asking someone to come be my roommate because I like them enough to spend a whole week with them was still completely out of the question) By myself, I entered into this strange U of U campus(because, I didn't want to be able to walk home...because I was so terrified, I might have) I entered alone, not knowing a single person there. I left, knowing the names of over 300(possibly 400) and with several friendships that would last at least a few years. These new friends and the confidence I gained from this experience allowed me to make the choice of quitting football, which I knew wasn't right for me. Not only that, but allowed me to enter into the strange world of marching band which my dad suggested I do because he didn't want me sitting at the house all summer. (Though, in my defense I was at least in a play too!) This action, is the 2nd most important action in school years(the first being to actually audition and accept that role) It shaped who I became, who I was around, and who my friends are to this day. My best friends are my friends because of marching band. The person that I would be if I had not been in marching band is inconceivable, unimaginable, and stupefying to even attempt to conjecture who I would have become.

Throughout the course of the next 3.5 years, I would open up to several hundred kids with whom I shared only a single goal and the hardships brought on by the "cruel reign of Lemen" (Whom was 2nd only to my junior high drama teacher in my list of favorites and reasons why I want to be a teacher) I hardly know any of their names, so few of their stories other than those they shared on that bus, or in that random hotel room.

It's just incredibly some days, to look back at one's history. To take the lessons you've learned, and see how you learned them despite the fact that you didn't know you were learning them at the time. How a few simple decisions can absolutely transform one's life.  

An article on same sex marriage.

I ask you to read the article first, then feel free to read my response and then please discuss, ja?

I’m Gay and I Oppose Same-Sex Marriage | Public Discourse

Here's where I agree with this article.

1. It discusses something that is very important to me. Cheapening relationships by making them increasingly and predominately sexual things. I personally feel it's an attack on all forms of sexuality. By forever increasing the importance of sex it continually decreases all form of relationships making them more difficult. From me being friends with a girl, with a boy, father, brother, sister,mother, son or daughter. By continuously putting sex in the forefront it cheapens all aspects of life.

2. It increases the role of government in a family's everyday life. I don't like that. My personal belief is a smaller government is a better government.

3. I personally have always agreed with the last paragraph, the family of a father and mother is the most successful form of "social unit." That does not mean success cannot come from other forms of the family, just that statistically it's the most likely to be a successful family. (Y'know, happy, send children out into the world that can then become "productive citizens,"...and really I don't know what else to add for a successful family, how would you define that?)

4. He acknowledges that good and happy relationships can exist in all forms. I believe that very strongly. There love to be found and love to be had for all.

This is his story, and I love it. Not all stories will end this way, not all stories will end my way. I just hope that our adventures can all lead to a place of happiness. Don't make your happiness depend on others, use your happiness to bring joy to other's lives.

Painting an alternate reality.

So, sometimes in life I get obsessed with could have beens, generally this is a source of anxiety. Today however, it's an adventure into my imagination.

Where this started? In my shower, today around 9:10 am. Why this came into my head? No idea, but I love it.

What if Rome fell to Hannibal and the Carthaginians around(my guess, too lazy to look it up) 200BC? 200 years later, Christ is born, but Isreal is occupied by say...The Persians rather than the Romans who never conquered Europe or the Middle East. Or perhaps Paul makes his way to Carthage instead of Rome, where eventually the emperor converts to Christianity, but Carthage's empire is based on the African coast of the Mediterranean. Their empire engulfs Spain, Southern and Western France, Italy, Northern Africa from Egypt to the Atlantic Ocean...but they've also expanded south down the west coast of Africa and North to England. Creating their own vast empire, but a maritime civilization rather than one that conquers vast amounts of land. Christianity spreads...but into Africa. After it's collapse, a great Christian kingdom arises in Egypt. 500 years later, about 700 AD. Muhammed is born, founds Islam; but rather than spreading west across Africa it encounters resistance from Christian Egypt. Instead it spreads North, and with no Eastern ROman empire, it continues to spread towards Germany, Russia, and Norway. Rather than Constaninople(or today Istanbul) standing in their way, the great border between Islam and Christian nations spreads from The Danube, the alps, the Red Sea and in Africa the great Christian Nations influenced by Carthage of West Africa are separated from the Muslim city states on the east coast.

In the picture, Red is the countries most influenced by Christianity in our world. Green, Islam. Blue is the dividing line between Christianity and Islam in my alternate reality. Orange is the what the Islamic Caliph would look like at the height of it's power(green - Indonesia and Bangladesh is what theIslamic "empire" looked like around 1300, add Spain.)
Purple is the proposed height of the Carthaginian Empire after defeating Rome, the star being the rough location of Carthage.(Rough location because the Romans so thoroughly destroyed it that it has not been found)

It's interesting to think where else this would lead. Perhaps African nations would be the ones to launch colonialism into the new world, where their diseases were not as efficient in wiping out the native population? The Aztec and Incan empires successfully retained their independence? The Iroquois Federation successfully establishes a hierarchy bordering an empire in North America? Perhaps white barbarians from Norway, Sweden, and Germany are imported into small island colonies in the Caribbean.

Or perhaps if history were to remain much more similar. There would be no Greco and Roman ideals of Democracy taught in a Christian America. There was no Rome and Greece has been an Islamic country for 1000 years at this point. Athen's Democracies are perhaps just a small blip of curiosity in world history without Rome expanding Greece's culture.

Isn't it amazing thinking about the lives that had lead us where we are? What if just a few things in history had gone different? Hannibal successfully sacks Rome, destroying the Roman backbone in the second Punic War. Rome eventually completely succumbs to Carthaginian endeavors and is destroyed so thoroughly that people today can only speculate on the true location of the city of Rome.

Things that Need to be said.

So, first off we're going to start off with an open letter to the People of Sweden.

For the most part that I can tell, you're a pretty cool people. You're stereo typically gorgeous, that's good. I'm a big fan of pretty people. You're really good at the Winter Olympics, which happens to be my favorite to watch. You've got some pretty amazing skiers, that's cool. Oh, and you've visited my blog 78 times in the past week. I was just wondering why. I mean I think it's cool. If I became a huge sensation in Sweden I would be totally okay with that. I'm just wondering what it is that you like about me.

Sincerely, me

So...that was my open letter to the People of Sweden, if you're Swedish or you know why my blog is suddenly popular in Sweden that's totally cool, but please respond in the comment section. Seriously, I'm like dying to know.
 (I say like because I'm not literally dying, you could say I'm figuratively dying; but it's not quite even that. It's akin to dying, but of a far lesser extent. There is a part of me that wants to know, and is in fact yearning and possibly starving to know but this distinct form of a lack of knowledge will not in fact kill me.)

Now onto Storytime!! .../Complaining time!

So once upon a time I was reading this book, it was a good book - not the best book I've ever read, but good. This book was part one of the Mistborn Trilogy by Brandon Sanderson. I started reading this book because I absolutely positively loved how he ended the Wheel of Time Series which is kind of an amazing epic.
 (Let's take a chance to marvel at technology, shall we? This book is a total of 14 books, 684 chapters, 12,000 pages, 4 million words, and in audio form 419.5 hours. One, there is the technology that allowed me to look that up in less than 10 seconds. Two, there is the technology that has widespread this to millions of people. An epoch that makes the Iliad look like a pansy. The Iliad is approximately 700 pages. With the Odyssey being even shorter, about 500 pages. I use these two examples because back before written word was common these were among the longest stories ever told. These were epochs that rightly took hours and several nights to listen to. Told by truly talented bards and minstrels that performed them in prose. Fast forward several thousand years to 2013 when I'm finishing the last book that itself is longer than the Iliad comprised of 14 books...each that is longer than the Iliad. This book, has been recorded so that we may listen to it wherever we have access to a digital media player. It has been printed millions of times and sold all around the world so that millions can share in this wonderful story of humanity. Thank you for taking this chance of a moment to marvel with me)

So...where was I? RIGHT! I just finished the first book, it was good but..kind of abrupt. So I start reading the second book..and I'm look WOAH! This skipped a whole bunch but it still kind of makes sense and it's really exciting so I'm totally okay with it! Until they start referencing something, and then I start putting things together... The thing they're referencing is the title of the (Now known to be) 2nd book. This made me sad, because despite the fact that I am now several hundred pages into the 2nd book nothing has happened that is nearly exciting as the first 100 or so pages of the third book. Though I am reading the second book much faster than I think I would have otherwise because I know what is in store for me and I want to know how Vin and Co. are going to get there!

Thanks for listening to my story. I hope you're okay that today was much less philisophical than many of my posts of late. It's just that there are things that need to be said, but the needing to say does not make them important. It just makes them necessary. 

Guys! I'm not dead! That's good right?

So, sometimes this happens ...



By a semi truck...Coming straight towards me. Me facing him heads on with nothing to do but wait. When this happens, I either swear or pray in a particular way.(Exact words were, "Oh, God" Seeing as how that's all the time I had) I'm not entirely sure which one you would call that because I don't think it lacked in sincerity. There was a part of me that said, "Oh hey, we're gonna be pals soon."

That was weird, because in that moment I realized.. I have absolutely zero fear of death. There was no, "Oh, what about the things I haven't done?" There was no fear, no anxiety, no guilt, there was only peace.

Now? I'm living at about 7 on my anxiety scale (9 being the point where I'm frozen and cannot move, a 5 being where I would live at before therapy) Everytime I close my eyes my heart beat jumps about 10 bpm. Fear and guilt about what could and what should I have done better? I just want to go away in a dark corner and be emotionally dead for a while because this hurts. I'm so beyond the point of being obsessed with the situation that I just want to shut down. Basically, I'm jealous of that moment when I thought I knew I was going to die. That peace, that calm, I've never felt that before. Not until feeling it then did I know I hadn't. 

But.. I'm not dead...so that good right? Why don't I feel like it is?

PS. Physically I'm absolutely fine. Which is the best alternative to not being dead I feel. It sucks that my car is probably totaled, but... yeah...life sucks right now so that's gonna happen.

Shameless Self Promotion

Hey! Good people of Utah! (If you're not from Utah, you're still cool don't worry!)

Thursday at 7 at the SCERA Theater the movie I just made is showing! COME VOTE FOR ME AND HOW AWESOME I AM!!! Please? If you do, I'll love you ever so much! So... come do it! 

Touching Perfection

“Singers and Musicians are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, they face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get real jobs, and their own fear that they'll never work again. Every day, they have to ignore the possibility that the vision they have dedicated their lives to is a pipe dream. With every note, they stretch themselves, emotionally and physically, risking criticism and judgment. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life - the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. Why? Because musicians and singers are willing to give their entire lives to a moment - to that melody, that lyric, that chord, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Singers and Musicians are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes.” - David Ackert, LA Times



I don't know whether or not any of you have ever wondered why I am who I am. This is one of the reasons. This is why I am in theater, this is why I want to teach. The moment where you touch, glimpse or brush by perfection on its way to the super market. That moment is pure electricity, absolute magic. 

It's quotes like this that make me realize I'm not alone. I may not be where I want to be and I live with the chronic fear that what I want is crazy and beyond my grasp. But those moments of perfection... They can define a person. These moments are not limited to musicians, actors, or even any sort of artist. These moments come from being a brother, father, friend, or anything really. That moment where you feel pride and can see that what you've done is good. When you can look into someone's eyes and know, that at least for a moment, they felt loved. That moment they feel hope. 

These are the moments people are scared to feel, because it allows them to glimpse eternity. These are the driving forces behind all arts. People listen to music to feel that closeness and understanding that these artists want to feel. People look at a painting of a can of Campell's Chicken Noodle Soup because... Okay, I still don't get that one; but it makes someone feel. That piece of art no matter how silly it seems to me has allowed someone to feel eternity. 

Hope is the feeling that drives us toward perfection. That drives us to live out our lives. With no hope the thought of eternity is one of Hell. May you one day Touch Perfection, feel that hope, understand God and believe in magic.  Maybe one day I'll be the one to help you guide you on your way with my music, my hope. I pray when I'm lost you'll help guide my way, and remind me of the times I've glimpsed eternity.