Why I do Theater

This is half self explanation and half self exploration. Basically... I plan on telling you about me by telling me about me. Sabe? Good. If not, just reread that until you get it. You'll get there eventually. If not, you can read on anyways and you'll probably get it in context. If you still don't get it, well you'll have joined me on my  adventure anyways and had the fun with me anyways...so I guess what I'm saying is that it doesn't really matter if you did get it, does it?

Why I do theater, it's pretty simple right? I like when people look at me/pay attention to me, (seriously, want to make me feel good about myself/loved?) so being on stage is good. I like when people praise me, so when people applaud for me, is good. I like being validated so when people pay to see me on stage and then applaud my performance, this is also good. Seriously though, don't discount that part of why I do theater though it is the simplest. Me being me and having a very low view of myself, theater sets me right when I can't see what is right about myself.

This is where things become complex and convoluted.(sort of - it really comes down to one basic thing, but that's not a very fun blog to read, now is it?)

I love history. A lot. I love history because I love seeing how people react. I love human nature, it is the most fascinating subject to me. I love understanding things...especially people. I love analyzing(which I do NON STOP) analyzing...everything, especially about history and people. Why do people act the way they do throughout history? What makes them continue to go on? Why do peasants and serfs act the way they do and what makes kings, queens, emperors, Caesars/Tzars/Czars, Chiefs, Mayors, Governors, Representatives, Senators, Presidents, Prime Ministers, Chancellors or whoever act the way they do? (Did I miss any major governing title?) Is it power itself? Is it the greed or pride? Is it fear, hope, insanity? If I were them, would I act the same? If I were a poor milk man living around the turn of the 20th century on the plains  of Ukraine and my daughter's wedding was attacked by the governing body because they were ordered to or feared my people? If given the opportunity for fame, fortune, and the love of my life..would I murder to ensure I keep it? Where would I stop for the things I love? If sensing an injustice in my land, would I seek out like minded people to lead a rebellion, or would I instead seek to live my life with the best way I know how, or would I seek to profit from the situation, or would I instead just seek justice at all costs?

You may or may not have noticed that those last 3 situations are from the musicals Fiddler on the Roof, Little Shop of Horrors, and lastly Les Miserables. Watching these things give me some insight into possibilities, performing as a character gives me opportunity and reason to delve into the possibilities of their lives. Their emotions, strengths weaknesses, desires, and fears.

I can be myself, I can be that weird guy in the corner...and get applauded for it. When asked if I get tired of hopping from show to show(which physically, I kind of do) I said no. Because it's the best form of therapy for me. It's where I can be me with no judgement. I can access the parts of me that I'm scared to show anyone in a safe environment. I can release my angers, I can share my joys, I can experience all the sorrows in my life and I can share it with hundreds if not thousands of peoples.

Then there's the fact that...it's my spiritual connection. It gives me hope, I can see the reality of all these characters and situations. I can accept them, believe in them, and they can give me hope. I can understand that sometimes evil wins. I can accept that sometimes people make horrible decisions in an attempt to do good. I can find God's presence in these characters and find a way to portray that to the audience. I can then  find more love in my heart for all of God's children because we have all shared these experiences. Because of the the ability to be me, I can open my soul more fully, experience God's love and then help transfer that love to all those that are participating with me in this adventure every night.

...That's why I do theater, it's probably not all of it, but it's enough. I go on those adventures the same reason I write this blog. To be me, to feel accepted, to share my soul, to connect with myself and those around me, to search for God, and to find God's love when I find it. That's why I go on my adventures everyday, these adventures we call life. 

The Walk to the Stone Table/The walk up Calvary/Gethsemane

Here's the thing, I feel C.S. Lewis was an inspired man with an understanding of humanity. He had incredible comprehension of human thought, emotion, and perception. Including Christ himself, which is something I struggle with at times: understanding that Chris was human and suffered similar depressions, heart aches, physical pains, anxieties, and what ever other name you put to your trials. He suffered these things AS a human. I've never thought about that until this last time reading through The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis.

(This post contains spoiler material for The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe)

When reading in the chapter "The Triumph of the Witch" (pg. 179) He starts walking towards the stone table, Susan and Lucy notice "He looked some how different from the Aslan they knew. His tail and head hung low and he walked slowly as if he were very, very, tired." Or, as some might say now. Depressed, Sorrowful, or maybe even reluctant or anxious.

In this moment, he understands that even he cannot bear all sorrow alone, that he cannot be an impenetrable fortress of solitude. He admits that he is "sad and lonely" and asks the for the comfort of the girls laying their hands upon his mane.

These things to me are reminiscent of both Christ's journey up Calvary and his stay in Gethsemane. In Matthew it specifically talks about how heavy with sorrow Christ is at Gethsemane. "Sorrowful, even unto death" (Matthew 26:28) He cannot share his duty, but he knows his duty and goes willingly, but is humble enough to accept and ask for that help while it is available to him. Asking Peter and the two sons of Zebedee to "Tarry ye here, and watch with me"(Matt 26:28) Coming back to find them asleep he then asks Peter "Could ye not watch with me one hour?"(Mat 26:40) In this scripture is says nothing of him emotion but I cannot imagine anything but pain in his voice when he says that. Pain and fear, when you understand a task that is so insurmountable that it cannot be conceived without the full potential of both human and Godly understanding that you ask for your dearest friends and followers to just watch and pray for you, but they cannot. Christ in his understanding was able to forgive instantly, but that doesn't mean that the pain wasn't there.

But, we continue on through the stories of Christ and Aslan(who is Christ though but "known by another name so that we come to know him better")

As Aslan continues to the top of the hill "A great crowd of people were standing all round the Stone Table...In fact here were all those who were on the Witch's(evil) side and whome the Wolf had summoned at her command. Right in the middle, standing by the Table, was the Witch herself"

"The fool!" Cried the Witch."The fool has come. Bind him fast." - These remarks to me resonate with evil and the very thoughts of Satan himself as Jesus approached both Calvary and Gethsemane.

 (As I understand in Mormon doctrine(and unknowing as to the rest of "Mainstream Christianity" view of the situation.) Satan before the world was created and we were just spirits residing in what I will call the "Nether" (I'm a fantasy geek and don't know what else to call it besides pre-existence, which is what it's called in Mormon Doctrine but not as fun) Both Satan(Lucifer) and Christ were spirits as well, both of whom were great leaders among us. Christ brought forth this plan that we are currently living of pain, suffering, trials, and where we could lose our way. Satan/Lucifer brought forth a plan of Utopia, his plan was rejected and he and his followers were thrown out of Heaven/The Nether after reacting unpleasantly to news of the plan's rejection.)

 With that explained I will continue on my merry way of thought. Those remarks resonate with what I feel Satan must think(he himself having only the mind of a man, if perhaps, unhindered by this earthly veil) because he believes in all of humanities' worst traits, which coincides with his plan. Having neither faith nor hope in himself or us he asks that we all achieve the same level of happiness with the same level of tests(or lack thereof) aka, Utopia. That fear and despair makes him think Jesus a fool for having faith in this plan, for marching towards incomprehensible pain and suffering leading only to his death. As such, he cries "The Fool! The Fool has come! Bind him fast!"

Only, Satan like the hags and witches from Narnia fear Christ/Aslan. They hold their breath, waiting for "Aslan's roar" which never comes. In Narnia they bind him with ropes, shave him, muzzle him and berate him. In the Gospels we hear of how they strip him, put on him a scarlet robe, place a crown of thorns upon his head a reed in his and and mock him, saying "Hail, King of the Jews!" While continuing to spit upon him, striking him and after all that strip him again to take him off to his death. These are Satan's last attempts at binding Christ, trying to use fear, pain, and humiliation to trap him down and manipulate him for his own means; but as Lucy notices after the first shock was over "The shorn face of Aslan looked to her braver and more beautiful, and more patient than ever." This is exactly how I have pictured Christ's face while reading about his trials.

As the Witch bows down readying for the sacrifice of Aslan she whispers to him, "And now, who has won? Fool, did you think that by all this you would save the human traitor? Now I will kill you instead of him as our  pact was agreed. But when you are dead what will prevent me from killing him as well? And who will take him out of my hand then? Understand that you have given me Narnia for ever, you have lost your own life and you have not saved his. In that knowledge, despair and die."

The last of Satan's bonds, despair and fear. When one loses both faith and hope how can you continue to act according to God's will when things are aligned against you? For Aslan what was required was to be a willing to victim in order to save both Narnia and Edmund. For Christ it was that what he was doing was right. It was that though it may be the most difficult thing ever faced in this universe. It is in fact right. It is as it is supposed to be. It is all a matter of faith.

I guess what I'm saying is that really, Christ is a lot like the rest of us. As long as we are able to endure through Satan's attempts at undermining our faith and hope, we can make it through whatever trials it is that lies before us. We may not always know what lies before us, but we believe and endure what is set against because of our hope that lies on the other side. I believe that Christ had no more sure knowledge of what lies beyond this world than any of us; but he had a hope and faith so strong that he walked on water, that he cured the sick, that he suffered through ALL of our pains, ALL of our sorrows, ALL of our heartaches, he died, and then he rose again for US. This is why those two pages of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe made me cry. This is why I LOVE C.S. Lewis. Because he had a profound faith and hope in God and Christ, such a love that he bent his will power and thoughts on Christ, understanding him as both a God and a Man, then he was kind enough to write down his thoughts in ways that both children and adults alike can understand and appreciate.

Thanks again for coming on my journey with me, This path along the way was brought to me through C.S. Lewis, but I still learned something and it made my life better. 

Sometimes I write poems

If I were a penguin, then maybe I wouldn't get so cold.
If I were a turtle, then maybe I could let life pass me by.
If I were a dragon,then maybe I'd be bold.
If I were an eagle, then maybe I'd soar through the sky
If I were a jackal, then maybe I wouldn't feel so bad.
If I were a warrior, then maybe I'd be strong.
If I were a lover, then maybe I'd forget when things were sad.
If I were a dreamer, then maybe this night wouldn't seem so long.


But if I were a penguin, maybe I'd wish I could fly?
But if I were a turtle, maybe I'd wish I could run?
But if I were a dragon, maybe I'd wish I could cry?
But if I were an eagle, maybe I'd wish I could settle down?
But if I were a jackal, maybe I'd wish I could be sure?
But if I were a warrior, maybe I'd wish for the pain to stop?
But if I were a lover, maybe I'd wish for adventure?
But if I were dreamer, maybe I'd wish this dream would end?


So, maybe, just maybe I don't have to be any of these?
Maybe, just maybe, being me will put my mind at ease?


- The ramblings of someone who cannot sleep.


I wrote this on a sleepless night in December 2009, sometimes I'm awesome. 


Sometimes I still wish for things to be different, that I was someone else. That the person I am, the way I think.. wasn't the way it is. I'm an insomniac more often than not, I'm anxious more often than not, I'm afraid, tired, beaten, in pain, feeling broken, more often than not. Yet...I've started realizing(apparently again) that being me is the quickest path to happiness. Surrendering to myself, accepting that at times I am weak; realizing that's what is even more important is that it's okay to be weak. 


Wiling away my days(or even worse, my nights) just dreaming, hoping, trying to will my life to be different. These things just bring their pains and sorrows while at best, doing nothing to ease my other pains and at worst aggravating all my previous wounds letting them grow and fester. 


So maybe, just maybe, I'll let me be me. I'll accept me. It might suck at times, but it's better than the alternatives. Sometimes I'm not sure who I am, but I know that suppressing myself will not allow me to find out. Being me is scary, but being me is what bring me happiness. I won't always be the best, I may not always be good enough, and sometimes I'm just gonna down right suck at life. That's going to be hard, but never anything I can't handle. Perhaps I'll be able to be me unfettered. Perhaps, this will put my mind at ease.