Believe in the you that I believe in.

This is inspired by the above quote from an anime whose(which name?) I cannot remember. A thought from my therapist about telling one of my stories and a discussion with Tzeitel from my cast of Fiddler on the roof about perception being reality.

In our discussion, I was arguing for the point of perception being reality. The point we agreed on was that perception was practically reality. After rehearsal(aka, lying in my bed trying to sleep) I was thinking on that subject further. In my mind I decided that perception is what reality will become. My specific example to prove my point was that a man that gave off the appearance of confidence differs not at all from a man who truly has confidence. With further thinking, I believe that on the outside this is true. The difference comes from the frailty of the one sharing the appearance versus the person who is truly confident...

This is where perception starts becoming reality though; for when a person you trust believes in that appearance of confidence to be a reality you can then, through that person of trust, believe in the you that they believe in. When you can accept that the persona you've been portraying is a part of you, that perception starts to realize.

This is where my story comes in. In my life, I have often played the person of confidence because it was much simpler(and safer) than sharing and being my insecurities. I've often lamented over the fact that I didn't have the confidence or strength to do the things I wanted to. Yet... I also look back at all the things I have done. And the things I never thought I would be able to do. Still, I worry about the fine balance between confidence and arrogance.

This.. is my favorite discovery today in my intellectual journey. Believing in the you that I believe in, and what that actually means. Being a person that has proffered up a facade of confidence to others, even those I trust.  I have been able to start believing in the person that they see me as. Not stressing out at not being that person, but finally being able to find that person within myself. To believe in me that they see and believe in. This is the difference between confidence and arrogance. When one has confidence, whether acquired through faith in others that leads to a faith in yourself or simply being born with a faith in yourself, it inspires more trust and faith. Arrogance, is based in a pride in yourself; it's more like a hyper-display of confidence. It's the point where rather than having faith in yourself or those around you, it's pride that you're superior.

The dictionary definitions themselves are very telling signs. 


Arrogance has one definition: Offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride.


Confidence? 8, each one dealing with other people. It's a selfless word. Each definition uses words like faith, trust, and belief. A person that has confidence has faith, trust, and belief in another person. 


That's why it's so exciting that in my story, I can accept these things. Despite the fact that I continue to doubt myself at times, I can accept that I have faith, trust, and belief in those close to me. I can believe in the me that they believe in.

Better to Light the Candle than Curse the Darkness

The title of this post is a Chinese Proverb, and the point of this post is to write. I have no previous thoughts, stirring passions to vent, or people to call down, or exciting stories to tell. All I have is what will presumably be a vomit of thought. As such, I'm pretty sure this blog will be terribly awesome or just terrible...



...

I like this quote/proverb. Because it helps me appreciate something about my self. (Yeah, I think this is gonna be a pat myself on the back kind of thing, but you know what! You're gonna like it!...Or not, I'm doing this for me. If you read it, cool.) The thing this helps me appreciate about myself is that I am inherently an optimist. I don't know why I am. My instinctual guess? Is that it's better than the alternative. My subconscious is super smart, so the things I do naturally are generally much better than the things I try to do. If I were to go through life with a blindfold on myself and just trusted me, I would be better off...probably.


..Instead, I freak out about things... A lot...like incessantly. Over the past year and a half I've gone to donate plasma quite a few times. Every time but ONE, I have had too high of a heart beat so had to be tested again.(I say this, because I FREAK OUT at all things involving white coats, I DO NOT LIKE THEM SAM I AM! Point in case, I couldn't bring myself to visit my mom in the hospital. I would freak out on the inside at the thought of going to the hospital.)  The good news? That one was the last time I went, 2 days ago. That's a good thing. Does it mean ALL better? No, but I am better that I used to be. Apparently rather than cursing the darkness something has happened. I think I turned on a light! Ain't that crazy?!

When I freak out, I'm not exactly cursing the darkness but I'm not lighting any candles either...It's more like...  I'm convinced there's a monster under my bed, he can't out from under my bed but he could grab me if I looked. So, instead of cursing the darkness or lighting the candle to send him away I sit there and dread that if I do light the candle it might illuminate this horrifying beast. If we're both blind can either of us harm the other?

(Isn't this a strange topic for something that started out with me appreciating that I'm an optimist? Guess what!? It links in!)

See the thing is, throughout my life when it really came down to it. I've been able to light that candle(most of the time anyways, I'm gonna even try to claim I've been 100% ... because I've been 110%! ..JK!) I feel in most of the important things I HAVE been able to choose to light that candle. I regret the time wasted in the darkness trying to convince myself there is no beast, no downside to this light, I do(While understanding that regret in this manner is nigh unto useless) Except...There's one candle I cannot light. One beast I'm too afraid of. What is it about me? I don't trust me. Am I that beast? Or is it the darkness inside of me that I fear? Do I fear that I AM the darkness?

No matter how much I try and pat myself on the back, why is it I can't believe that there is more to me than that darkness? More to me than those failures? What is it in myself, my past, my beliefs, my hopes, my fears, my life that doesn't let me look past that part of me?

I have anxiety attacks, I've had panic attacks, is it that fear of lighting that candle that drives all that anxiety? That feeling of utter panic like my life is about to end? That complete and utter despair that no matter what I do or try nothing can change? Is it that singular thing or is there more?

...Yes despite all of this. I'm an optimist, because even though I have those thoughts every day. I keep going, and I tell myself that yes, things DO change. Things CAN get better. I may not be strong enough to light that candle today but I WILL be strong enough. I don't know when, but I don't need to, I just need to know that today is not the day that it ends. Today, I won't lose because I still believe I can and will win. So yeah, I'm an optimist that's filled with complete despair. That's me.

...Now wasn't THAT a fun vomit of thought?

Inspirational quote time!

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing  enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't be insecure around you. We were born to make magnificent the glory of God that is within us. It's not in some of us, it is everyone. As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. - Nelson Mandela

Sometimes I need to remind myself of these things. Because yes, I am self conscious enough to think of these things. Yes, I am conceited enough to think that I can outshine everyone. Yes, I am crazy enough to think that only one person can shine. Yes, I am so unsure of myself that I feel I don't deserve to be that one to shine.

That's the thing though, while it's possible and probable that there is someone smarter, prettier, better, or more talented in whatever specific way that you're talented that doesn't diminish the good that you do in the world. It just gives everyone else a viewpoint to appreciate not only what you do, but what others in your field have done. (Just a bit of humbling, even if you are currently the best, you will not always be the best. There is always going to be someone striving to better you)

The thing about love, happiness, and whatever positive emotion you want to attach to it, is that it's not a survival of the fittest affair. It's not dog eat dog, nor Lassaiz Faire. Love as a commodity is one of only assumed supply and unlimited demand. When in reality it is an infinite supply rationed only by it's demand. Those of us that demand love decrease the supply for everyone else, when demanded you can never get as much as you desire so you take and take and take until none is left. In order for there to be enough of this light in the world you must freely give of it. The more you give the more you have to give. I mean have in both meanings of the word, first, the more you hold to give, and second, the more you feel the necessity to give.

Another thing about love, is that you cannot hide from what is offered. In attempting to do so, it is just lost. No one benefits. When hiding from the love that is offered to you, no one is standing behind you and gets hit from a sudden "love beam" when you duck out of the way. If you shirk from the love offered you it often recoils back towards the one who offered it, like a rubber band that's cut while being stretched, it's painful and leaves a scar that can be difficult to heal. It's not impossible to overcome, not even if you're one, such as I am, that obsesses over that backlash until the wound festers.

If you ever find yourself asking who you are to brilliant, gorgeous, talented, or fabulous, please just remind yourself. You're a child of God. Be yourself, let yourself shine. "Make magnificent the glory of God" that IS you. Never doubt the strength or courage of yourself for within you is God. You have all his strength, courage, love, hope, and joy to share. In sharing these things not only will those around you discover that in themselves you will discover the power to be joyful, to love, to be the person you've desired to be.

These are some of the things I'm learning and that I need to remind myself. This grand adventure won't ever end but these are the things I'll need to keep learning. If I forget them, you're free to remind me. If you forget them I'll make sure to remind you too. ^_^

Princess Festival

This is me talking about how I was the Mad Hatter for the Princess Festival for 2 days. I loved it! DONE!



Oh...You want more? ...Okay...

...


...

I guess...here's why I loved it!

First off, little girls dressed up as princesses...CUTE! Seriously adorable, look them up on Facebook and look at the pictures. As I said before cute! (side note, "cute" is a super awkward looking word. Just sayin') Secondly, I've always wanted a daughter, a little girl, heck I always would've taken little sister, I don't really know why but things like the Princess festival are definitely something we would do. The Princess Festival is something I would start for my own daughter's/granddaughter's if I had the means. (Fortunately someone already did it for me! All I need to do is pony up some cash for tickets...instead of y'know...running it) With that knowledge in mind that I've always wanted to take care of a my lil' girl like that, getting to do it for HUNDREDS of lil' girls...awesome. Frankly, I don't need to know them. All I need is to see their faces light up. Which I did! (I like to think I was a good Mad Hatter, or at least silly enough to make them smile) Seriously though, one of the most rewarding experiences of my life of which, thankfully, I've had many. (Theater is full of amazing experiences like this. These are reasons I LOVE the meet and greet after shows, the few people that will come up and say this experience moved me, also AMAZING) This I say to all the little princesses of Everly, THANK YOU! Thank you little child(and sometimes big children!) for every smile! Thank you to all the Princess Grandpa's that came! :) Thanks to Super Girl, whose identity I won't reveal, but for a hint she was neither female nor a little girl. Thanks to everyone that had a tea party with me! I loved being beat at tic tac toe, I loved struggling to lose at tic tac toe(some girls made it HARD!...they were like 4 though...) Thanks to all the many girls that went skipping through the maze with me, painting the roses red, and teaching me how to curtsy(side note again, that word TOTALLY came from courtesy, I always thought that was awesome, a girl showed courtesy which eventually shortened to just curtsy) Thank you to the Queen of Hearts which entertained me with stories of her romances with Captain Hook! Thanks Katie for being a good boss! 


P.S. Some other things I enjoyed! As the Mad Hatter I got to do ANYTHING! Really, as long as it was appropriate to do around children, I could get away with doing it. I LOVED IT! Hence how Super Girl and Princess Grandpa came about.
PPS I really enjoyed when people I know in real life came about talking to Justin, who... for better or worse was not there. It was a super interesting experience to completely step into someone else. It was something totally different from playing a character on stage. First off.. I had no script. My first day I had NO CLUE whatsoever what I was supposed to do. Eventually I realized I was the Mad Hatter, I could get away with most anything.
PPPS, someone actually asked me if I was British! SUCCESS! Oh, and they said I was their favorite/best actor there!
PPPPS That's all, I just wanted to do one more! :)

...

PPPPPS Thanks as always for coming on my adventure with me! You guys should tell me something I should post about in my next blog. I've been running out of ideas!