So once upon a time I was at work. I'm there a lot. Sadly. I was having a conversation with my favorite grandma. She said something to me, that might actually be true. If so, I blame it on my eldest brother. I got it from him. :p
She said I say things just to contradict people. This, I think is true. The important part to me, is WHY I do this. This is something that's important enough I think I should share. As you may or may not know, I'm part of a religion that is consistently and chronically accused of being "close minded" I didn't appreciate that accusation so I set out to make sure it wasn't true. I don't like being close minded. Now, be sure that I'm well aware of the fact that being controversial or contradictory is not being open minded but to be made aware of all there is about me I seek to question everything. I do mean EVERYTHING. Including my sanity, on a daily basis.
None of these things inherently lead to being a controversialist, true. The thing that leads to being a controversialist is this. If I can do it, everyone else MUST be able to do it. (This stems from a really weird self view. Mainly stemming from the fact that I think I'm nothing and that everyone else is basically godly, this gives me many issues. I know this, this is not what this blog is about) Since everyone SHOULD be able to do what I can do, that makes it hard for me when people cannot or do not. As such, I offer a lending hand. I point out the flaws that I see. Many people cannot handle this, including my ex-girlfriend Ms. Poopyfacebumcheesestupidface. I have a hard time understanding the people that cannot take that. That's a different issue. Others take this fact about me and use it to discuss and learn about ourselves and our thoughts on the universe. People that are very willing to listen to my controversial view usually have a rather profound discussion with me. It's awesome. Everyone else should be like that.
That is the things that make me a controversialist, but not WHY I am. The reason why I am is really quite simple. When you're constantly flexing, stretching, and ringing your mind attempting to look at every possible angle, leave no stone unturned, then it's quite impossible to not love someone. I like loving people, I really true, 100% honestly do. When you've torn apart your entire world view trying to understand someone, it's an incredible feeling. There are people I don't like, true. Because what I understand of them disturbs me. Or they frustrate me because they throw up these walls, or worst of all. Lie to me.
I've thought I was in love with at least a few girls when I realized all it was was the fact that they fascinated me. I'm pretty sure the girl I DO fall in love with for ever and ever and ever will fascinate me until the day I die. I've often thought that the girl I fall head over heels for will be someone I'll know to the core and yet be surprised everyday by something new. Basically, there's something awesome about doing everything possible to understand someone. The people I love most in my life are the ones that I require no thought to understand. I want more people in my life, I know that there is much more to friendships than just the mere understanding, but when someone puts that much effort into getting to know you it makes everything else much easier.
Just another lesson on this grand adventure called life.
So... I pretty much love this about you. (By the way, I left a reply to you on my blog... If you feel so inclined, we can have a discussion there. Although, there probably isn't a lot more TO discuss... I just gave more information and would love to hear more of your thoughts.)
ReplyDeleteI'm naturally a questioner. I like asking questions, and I LOVE seeking out answers. And people... people are fascinating. I have friends that I have spent (literally) thousands of hours getting to know, and I know I STILL don't know them. I only know as much as they've been willing to share and as much as my own filters will let in.
I love you. (And by the way... you are as Godly as everyone else... and everyone else is as much nothing as you are. I know that's not what this blog is about, but something I feel strongly enough about to mention.)
I think its important to continually question your assumptions. I am constantly trying to rethink everything I know and I feel it helps me continually learn and grow.
ReplyDeleteJeff, you should know that I was able to accept this "accusation" mainly only by remember how many times I've played "devil's advocate" in discussions with you.
ReplyDeleteI think we have a family of questioners in many respects. I was told once of a family who on a regular basis had to come home and tell what they had learned at church or school or just in life and then they had to defend why they did or did not believe what they learned. I know at least one of those sons grew up to be a lawyer. Seeking answers and looking at others points of view makes you a more stable person, I think. Sometimes devils advocate helps you determine what you believe yourself.
ReplyDeleteP.S. You have a very romantic view of what your life will be with your sweetheart. That is sweet and very precious. I am sure there is someone out there for you that will fascinate you forever. Love you!