GRAGH!!

As you may or may not have noticed, that was a yell of frustration and anxiety. So, sometimes I read my sister's blog, which I love. But sometimes people I really don't like post on said blogs and make me really frustrated. I get REALLY sick of bigotry against my church. Is that wrong? I don't think so. They can decide whatever they want against us and it MUST be true because most of them know a case of it happening! As we all know, when something has happened once in a minority it's always true! RIGHT!? I don't know if I'm a truly open minded person, but I'm pretty sure I haven't made up my mind about everyone of a single race, gender, sexual orientation, ethnic origin, religious background, or any other sort of creed. It really bugs me when people have! To try to understand something more my sister wrote about, I followed a link to her blog. The post she linked to wasn't what made me cranky, it was one of the other posts about Mitt Romney. Now anyone can choose whether or not they like him. I kind of like him, I'm so sick of politics right now that I don't really care about who's president as long as they keep away from me, but to call him sexist because he's Mormon drives me crazy! There was something about abortion that she wrote about, too. About where the mother's life was 50/50 without an abortion, but that's not sexism, that is something about abortion. I can see getting cranky at him for advising if his advice was not asked for; I can see being offended that he said don't get it, despite doctors advice. This religion is FAITH based religion, if he believed through his faith that she would be fine, that's his prerogative as a religious leader to express that faith. Maybe he didn't do it in the way that which would be wisest, but he's a MAN. He does in fact make mistakes. If he didn't I would be worried, because there is no man that has ever or ever will be perfect in his earthly life. (for those of you worried right now, Christ was never a mere man, always heavenly and divine. He was mortal in body but eternal in mind, the veil was far thinner for he than for anyone else I believe)

Basically, why am I required to be open minded, and if not, "I am truly a horrible person." It drives me crazy. There is nothing in this life than a close minded person laying blame on someone for being close minded. Until you're ready to open your mind to all the possibilities on this earth, you have no room to judge. Since no man can possibly comprehend all possibilities of righteousness, wickedness, happiness, sorrow, courage, fear, faith, desire, greed, pride, jealousy, charity, or any other possible emotion, virtue, or sin. Then continue to seek and give comfort to those around you. Find the familiar to love, and the differences to respect. I'm not perfect in this at all. The first time I found myself as a minority in any way shape or form, I was uncomfortable. In time though, I was able to grow to love them and see how they are NOT at all different. As long as you are not building walls around yourself you can bring people together despite their walls. Most people are not strong enough to remain alone and indifferent when shown compassion and trust. Show that compassion and trust, let your own guard down sometimes. Stop hating and distrusting. Do everything within your power to love someone. Anyone. So a kindness to someone you've never met! It's fun. It's really hard. I used to be really good at it and I was the happiest(and most popular) I've ever been. Honestly, give someone a smile, or hold a door open! It's worth it. Just stop separating yourself from those that are different just because they are slightly different. You all have more in common than you have different. Even if you are the staunchest right-wing republican, you can find something to love in the most left-wing democrat. There is something to love and honor in everyone. No man is so far in the shadow he cannot turn back to the light. Just stop, please?

Sometimes I go to the hospital.

Sometimes I go to the hospital, but only because they do tests there that they don't do at the doctors office. I'm pretty much fine. I FEEL super crappy, but that's cool because there's nothing physically wrong with me. Apparently. Though sometimes I wish there was something wrong with me so that I can say, "Oh, this is why I'm feeling so crappy and didn't come to work today!" That didn't happen though, which is really quite okay. I'll just explain to my bosses, hopefully they'll understand, and hopefully nothing will go wrong while I'm at work. The way I'm feeling is ridiculously anxious. My heart is racing for very long periods of time, sometimes while I'm sitting, sometimes while I'm standing, and even sometimes when I'm laying down. I'm light headed most of the time. And out of breath too. I'm physically exhausted and feel quite week. I slept for more than 12 hours last night and I still think I'll fall asleep before 10 tonight(Which means at least 8 hours of sleep, which is unusual for me. I usually get 5 or so, not by choice, because of the inability to go to sleep.) So, hey, maybe I'll feel better tomorrow! Here's hoping! And maybe the blood test will come back and say I'm dying of something horrible and sad, here's hoping that that doesn't happen! Let's just hope for something that I can get over super easy now that I know what it is, but that I feel okay saying this is why I couldn't come to work.

No proper title

I hurt, I just found out that a student that I've worked with at Lakeridge Junior high committed suicide. I hurt for the family that I've come to love by going to school with them and working with their children. I hurt for his friends who I know love him dearly, I hurt because I'm sure he hurt. I don't know what was going on his life, I really never knew a lot about him. I knew he was a funny kid, a true joy to be around. I knew he had a positive affect on many people's lives, including mine. He was a great kid that thought it was best for him to not be around any more, and that makes me hurt.

Is it bad I'm sick of life?

My sister's blog makes me think a lot about the things that I've hidden from myself for as long as possible. It made me realize something. I'm tired of everything. I have few bright moments in my life, more so recently I think. Some that I don't give proper gratitude to, it's true. I'm so tired though, I don't know how to care sometimes. If I don't care though, I feel guilty. Which makes it much more difficult to make it through sometimes. I don't know how to release the dark moments and cling to the bright ones. I know it's because the second layer of my brain thinks that I don't deserve it. The scary thing is that's the layer that I normally label as the smart one. The one that figures everything out before I ever realize that I needed to think about it, and then it's there on my plate ready to serve. How do I continue to trust it? The thing I've let me guide me through life and has gotten me where I am, which for the most part is somewhat successful. I guess I treat it like a god sometimes, attribute everything good to it and everything bad to something else.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy most of the time. I have so many things to look forward to and to do. It's just, I'm tired of all the crappy stuff and sometimes it's just so overwhelming I don't know how to handle it, and I don't know how to help someone let me handle it and I don't know anything and I can't do anything right it feels like. I'm weary, but everything I've ever heard about people's life around here that they turn to to relieve their weariness, the very thought makes me anxious and fearful. Frankly, what I need is "me" time but I don't know how to just stop and take "me" time. I just want to quit, and do nothing. Yet I still have a whole lifetime to go. I don't know how to handle that. All I know is I'm currently looking at two weeks with nothing to do, nothing I HAVE to do. I think this will help. Either that or I'm going to go batcrazy and drive to Montana just because I can.

Basically, once again I'm anxious and I don't know how to release it. I want to cry and scream, but I can't. Blegh, I'm sick of life and I want to quit and just go live on the street and not care about ANYTHING. I don't want to care about being excellent, good, or even alive. I want to be able to just sit there and not care. I don't know how to not crave being the best. Life is kicking my butt right now and I don't know how to lose, I can't handle it. I don't know how to win though. For so long my only response I had to not being the best was to quit, drop out, and not deal with it. Now finally life is forcing me to deal with it.

Then suddenly a song called Heart and Music comes on Pandora. You gotta have Heart and Music. Heart and Music get a long. Heart and Music make a song. It just makes sense. I like things that make sense, they're the best.

Anyone have any ideas or places that I can go and just be straight up silly, not care, decompress, and do whatever the hell I want to?

And then I think about how I'm still only 21 and I've got another 70 or so years of this.... I'm still sick of life, but maybe, I'll get through it anyways.