So once upon a time I was at work. I'm there a lot. Sadly. I was having a conversation with my favorite grandma. She said something to me, that might actually be true. If so, I blame it on my eldest brother. I got it from him. :p
She said I say things just to contradict people. This, I think is true. The important part to me, is WHY I do this. This is something that's important enough I think I should share. As you may or may not know, I'm part of a religion that is consistently and chronically accused of being "close minded" I didn't appreciate that accusation so I set out to make sure it wasn't true. I don't like being close minded. Now, be sure that I'm well aware of the fact that being controversial or contradictory is not being open minded but to be made aware of all there is about me I seek to question everything. I do mean EVERYTHING. Including my sanity, on a daily basis.
None of these things inherently lead to being a controversialist, true. The thing that leads to being a controversialist is this. If I can do it, everyone else MUST be able to do it. (This stems from a really weird self view. Mainly stemming from the fact that I think I'm nothing and that everyone else is basically godly, this gives me many issues. I know this, this is not what this blog is about) Since everyone SHOULD be able to do what I can do, that makes it hard for me when people cannot or do not. As such, I offer a lending hand. I point out the flaws that I see. Many people cannot handle this, including my ex-girlfriend Ms. Poopyfacebumcheesestupidface. I have a hard time understanding the people that cannot take that. That's a different issue. Others take this fact about me and use it to discuss and learn about ourselves and our thoughts on the universe. People that are very willing to listen to my controversial view usually have a rather profound discussion with me. It's awesome. Everyone else should be like that.
That is the things that make me a controversialist, but not WHY I am. The reason why I am is really quite simple. When you're constantly flexing, stretching, and ringing your mind attempting to look at every possible angle, leave no stone unturned, then it's quite impossible to not love someone. I like loving people, I really true, 100% honestly do. When you've torn apart your entire world view trying to understand someone, it's an incredible feeling. There are people I don't like, true. Because what I understand of them disturbs me. Or they frustrate me because they throw up these walls, or worst of all. Lie to me.
I've thought I was in love with at least a few girls when I realized all it was was the fact that they fascinated me. I'm pretty sure the girl I DO fall in love with for ever and ever and ever will fascinate me until the day I die. I've often thought that the girl I fall head over heels for will be someone I'll know to the core and yet be surprised everyday by something new. Basically, there's something awesome about doing everything possible to understand someone. The people I love most in my life are the ones that I require no thought to understand. I want more people in my life, I know that there is much more to friendships than just the mere understanding, but when someone puts that much effort into getting to know you it makes everything else much easier.
Just another lesson on this grand adventure called life.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
So, sometimes I read my blog.
The above statement is truth. Sometimes I read my blog, today I went back through all of my posts and I found one waaaaay back from 2009! (That's a whole different decade!)
I referred to my addiction to shows(I'm pretty sure that it's reached the point that it might actually be an addiction) as a bondage, but the 3 years since then I've changed my mind very much about the matter. You see, while still being totally addicted to shows, I love every moment of it. Part of it may be the fact that my most common place to perform now is the HCTO(Hale Center Theater Orem) rather than the Scera Shell or high school. That show that I was in reference to was Beauty and the Beast, the beginning of 3 years of the longest break of me not being in a show was 2...maybe 3 months. I have grown A LOT since then. Both as a performer and as a person. Theatrically I've gone from being cast as just ensemble roles, to "parts" in what is generally considered higher quality theater. It's exciting.
The plays I've been in since then have all been kind of amazing. From Beauty $ the Beast to Joseph to...Who Dunnit?!(A Murder Mystery! as a director) ...and Lumiere) to The Complete Works of William Shakespeare Abridged to Beauty and the Beast(director!...and Lumiere) to Willy Wonka to The Scarlet Pimpernel to Hairspray to Singing in the Rain to A Christmas Carol and finally to The Secret Garden!
I've loved every single one of those shows and every single one of them has helped me grow in SO many ways. Basically, it was amazing to me how I've grown and changed since that second post EVER on my blog. I'm still not great at blogging, but sometimes it's nice to look back and see how far you've come. Someday later on in life maybe I'll look back here and be proud of the steps I've taken. Basically is what I'm trying to say, I'm really grateful for this grand adventure called life.
I referred to my addiction to shows(I'm pretty sure that it's reached the point that it might actually be an addiction) as a bondage, but the 3 years since then I've changed my mind very much about the matter. You see, while still being totally addicted to shows, I love every moment of it. Part of it may be the fact that my most common place to perform now is the HCTO(Hale Center Theater Orem) rather than the Scera Shell or high school. That show that I was in reference to was Beauty and the Beast, the beginning of 3 years of the longest break of me not being in a show was 2...maybe 3 months. I have grown A LOT since then. Both as a performer and as a person. Theatrically I've gone from being cast as just ensemble roles, to "parts" in what is generally considered higher quality theater. It's exciting.
The plays I've been in since then have all been kind of amazing. From Beauty $ the Beast to Joseph to...Who Dunnit?!(A Murder Mystery! as a director) ...and Lumiere) to The Complete Works of William Shakespeare Abridged to Beauty and the Beast(director!...and Lumiere) to Willy Wonka to The Scarlet Pimpernel to Hairspray to Singing in the Rain to A Christmas Carol and finally to The Secret Garden!
I've loved every single one of those shows and every single one of them has helped me grow in SO many ways. Basically, it was amazing to me how I've grown and changed since that second post EVER on my blog. I'm still not great at blogging, but sometimes it's nice to look back and see how far you've come. Someday later on in life maybe I'll look back here and be proud of the steps I've taken. Basically is what I'm trying to say, I'm really grateful for this grand adventure called life.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
So, I'm think I'm over my sound effects. That's good right? AKA Today was special.
So, today was a special day. Special because no other word really honestly comes close to describing it.
So, first off, most of the time I'm between extremely disliking my boss and not really caring. Second of all, one of the grandmas I work with is extremely judgmental and drives me crazy, I generally ignore her. Lastly, the last grandma is awesome. She's my favorite. Obviously. She is a musician and photographer who happens to make some money making lunch for elementary students in the morning. I am an aspiring whatever I am that also happens to make money in the same manner. She's going through very difficult things in her life and learning so much and it's kind of amazing to see these things. I like this about her. This is not what made today special, I just felt you all needed that update.
What today special was that fact that I had an audition that was driving me CRAZY. I really really really want to be an actor that makes money while acting. I don't have to be a professional actor that that's all I do. I'm okay with that not being the case, it's ideal but not necessary. So, when I have an audition that I'm freaking out about, I generally freak out all over the place. (I'm an all or nothing kind of guy, what can I say?) With this in mind, the grandmas(the ladies I work with all happen to be grandmas, hence the title) were well aware of what was going on in my life. My favorite grandma, the musician, plays the piano. She plays it very well, and offered to play for me during our lunch hour. Obviously, I was freaking out about said audition and music so I said yes, please. As such, we spent the next 30 minutes singing and playing, which made me so very happy. Like it normally does. That's not the entirely special part about today though. Afterwards my boss, whom I am generally in disagreement/dislike with. Came up to me and said I sounded wonderful and treated me very well the whole rest of the day. Frankly, she gave me respect that she seemed completely unwilling ever to give. (Plus I felt somewhat ameliorated because I was proved right about something and her wrong. I was very proud of myself not to say anything, it happened before the singing so I was in a somewhat more sour mood)
That's not all, though that alone was very nice, happy, and special in its own right. Afterwards, I spent two hours reading(which happens everyday and is both my least and most favorite part of the day) I started my custodial job after school. Most of the day was normal, with me feeling somewhat more exhausted than normal. Not sure why, but I'm always tired so it wasn't too big a deal. Then we did blackmarks, which is the part of the day where I actually work with someone while cleaning. The 3 of us, (my boss and co-sweeper) get together and are actually able to talk. Nothing really special happened other than due to the fact that I'm nervous I was convinced into singing for the two of them. I said, "Okay, but we're going to a piano so I can atleast plunk out notes for myself." My boss, who is generally the a very sarcastic person in a very kind way. (He pretends he's a jerk, but he's honestly a ridiculously nice guy) Gave me a truly sincere compliment, and the high school girl is, I think in love with my voice. That was nice, but totally unexpected. It's not that I think I don't deserve these compliments or anything, but being complimented like that by people who have never given me any sort of compliment before was nice. It smoothed over a lot of things. When I got to my audition I still felt like I was going to have a heart attack. (When ever I go to an audition, I feel like I'm about to die, and as such, I get the feeling most people get when they describe when they almost get hit by a car or something, full of life)
That's still not the end of my special day. After my audition, I went to rehearsal. I love rehearsals(this is new) everyone is so talented that I feel blessed to be among them, rather than jealous or annoyed..or whatever. But still even though I generally love rehearsals, today was (You guessed it!) SPECIAL! The director got up and talked about what this show meant to him and why, and basically bore his testimony. The thinks he said touched me in a way and manner that few would understand because they just don't know some things about me and my life. This made my eyes water. I may have actually shed a tear. For those of you not aware. I was practically balling. One tear for me, is A LOT. I don't know why, but I don't like crying. My body and mind just don't agree on the subject. Sometimes when I do actually cry, I don't get why and when my mind says I should be crying my body says :P (It's really quite rude of it really)
Today my mind and body were almost in agreement and I shed almost two, but not quite one, tear. Plus, the end of The Secret Garden, is...beautiful. That's really the only way to put it. I'm excited for you all to see it, hopefully it'll be amazing.
That was my special day. It may just be rambling, but it sure felt special. I hope you all get it! ^_^
So, first off, most of the time I'm between extremely disliking my boss and not really caring. Second of all, one of the grandmas I work with is extremely judgmental and drives me crazy, I generally ignore her. Lastly, the last grandma is awesome. She's my favorite. Obviously. She is a musician and photographer who happens to make some money making lunch for elementary students in the morning. I am an aspiring whatever I am that also happens to make money in the same manner. She's going through very difficult things in her life and learning so much and it's kind of amazing to see these things. I like this about her. This is not what made today special, I just felt you all needed that update.
What today special was that fact that I had an audition that was driving me CRAZY. I really really really want to be an actor that makes money while acting. I don't have to be a professional actor that that's all I do. I'm okay with that not being the case, it's ideal but not necessary. So, when I have an audition that I'm freaking out about, I generally freak out all over the place. (I'm an all or nothing kind of guy, what can I say?) With this in mind, the grandmas(the ladies I work with all happen to be grandmas, hence the title) were well aware of what was going on in my life. My favorite grandma, the musician, plays the piano. She plays it very well, and offered to play for me during our lunch hour. Obviously, I was freaking out about said audition and music so I said yes, please. As such, we spent the next 30 minutes singing and playing, which made me so very happy. Like it normally does. That's not the entirely special part about today though. Afterwards my boss, whom I am generally in disagreement/dislike with. Came up to me and said I sounded wonderful and treated me very well the whole rest of the day. Frankly, she gave me respect that she seemed completely unwilling ever to give. (Plus I felt somewhat ameliorated because I was proved right about something and her wrong. I was very proud of myself not to say anything, it happened before the singing so I was in a somewhat more sour mood)
That's not all, though that alone was very nice, happy, and special in its own right. Afterwards, I spent two hours reading(which happens everyday and is both my least and most favorite part of the day) I started my custodial job after school. Most of the day was normal, with me feeling somewhat more exhausted than normal. Not sure why, but I'm always tired so it wasn't too big a deal. Then we did blackmarks, which is the part of the day where I actually work with someone while cleaning. The 3 of us, (my boss and co-sweeper) get together and are actually able to talk. Nothing really special happened other than due to the fact that I'm nervous I was convinced into singing for the two of them. I said, "Okay, but we're going to a piano so I can atleast plunk out notes for myself." My boss, who is generally the a very sarcastic person in a very kind way. (He pretends he's a jerk, but he's honestly a ridiculously nice guy) Gave me a truly sincere compliment, and the high school girl is, I think in love with my voice. That was nice, but totally unexpected. It's not that I think I don't deserve these compliments or anything, but being complimented like that by people who have never given me any sort of compliment before was nice. It smoothed over a lot of things. When I got to my audition I still felt like I was going to have a heart attack. (When ever I go to an audition, I feel like I'm about to die, and as such, I get the feeling most people get when they describe when they almost get hit by a car or something, full of life)
That's still not the end of my special day. After my audition, I went to rehearsal. I love rehearsals(this is new) everyone is so talented that I feel blessed to be among them, rather than jealous or annoyed..or whatever. But still even though I generally love rehearsals, today was (You guessed it!) SPECIAL! The director got up and talked about what this show meant to him and why, and basically bore his testimony. The thinks he said touched me in a way and manner that few would understand because they just don't know some things about me and my life. This made my eyes water. I may have actually shed a tear. For those of you not aware. I was practically balling. One tear for me, is A LOT. I don't know why, but I don't like crying. My body and mind just don't agree on the subject. Sometimes when I do actually cry, I don't get why and when my mind says I should be crying my body says :P (It's really quite rude of it really)
Today my mind and body were almost in agreement and I shed almost two, but not quite one, tear. Plus, the end of The Secret Garden, is...beautiful. That's really the only way to put it. I'm excited for you all to see it, hopefully it'll be amazing.
That was my special day. It may just be rambling, but it sure felt special. I hope you all get it! ^_^
Friday, February 3, 2012
GRAGH!!
As you may or may not have noticed, that was a yell of frustration and anxiety. So, sometimes I read my sister's blog, which I love. But sometimes people I really don't like post on said blogs and make me really frustrated. I get REALLY sick of bigotry against my church. Is that wrong? I don't think so. They can decide whatever they want against us and it MUST be true because most of them know a case of it happening! As we all know, when something has happened once in a minority it's always true! RIGHT!? I don't know if I'm a truly open minded person, but I'm pretty sure I haven't made up my mind about everyone of a single race, gender, sexual orientation, ethnic origin, religious background, or any other sort of creed. It really bugs me when people have! To try to understand something more my sister wrote about, I followed a link to her blog. The post she linked to wasn't what made me cranky, it was one of the other posts about Mitt Romney. Now anyone can choose whether or not they like him. I kind of like him, I'm so sick of politics right now that I don't really care about who's president as long as they keep away from me, but to call him sexist because he's Mormon drives me crazy! There was something about abortion that she wrote about, too. About where the mother's life was 50/50 without an abortion, but that's not sexism, that is something about abortion. I can see getting cranky at him for advising if his advice was not asked for; I can see being offended that he said don't get it, despite doctors advice. This religion is FAITH based religion, if he believed through his faith that she would be fine, that's his prerogative as a religious leader to express that faith. Maybe he didn't do it in the way that which would be wisest, but he's a MAN. He does in fact make mistakes. If he didn't I would be worried, because there is no man that has ever or ever will be perfect in his earthly life. (for those of you worried right now, Christ was never a mere man, always heavenly and divine. He was mortal in body but eternal in mind, the veil was far thinner for he than for anyone else I believe)
Basically, why am I required to be open minded, and if not, "I am truly a horrible person." It drives me crazy. There is nothing in this life than a close minded person laying blame on someone for being close minded. Until you're ready to open your mind to all the possibilities on this earth, you have no room to judge. Since no man can possibly comprehend all possibilities of righteousness, wickedness, happiness, sorrow, courage, fear, faith, desire, greed, pride, jealousy, charity, or any other possible emotion, virtue, or sin. Then continue to seek and give comfort to those around you. Find the familiar to love, and the differences to respect. I'm not perfect in this at all. The first time I found myself as a minority in any way shape or form, I was uncomfortable. In time though, I was able to grow to love them and see how they are NOT at all different. As long as you are not building walls around yourself you can bring people together despite their walls. Most people are not strong enough to remain alone and indifferent when shown compassion and trust. Show that compassion and trust, let your own guard down sometimes. Stop hating and distrusting. Do everything within your power to love someone. Anyone. So a kindness to someone you've never met! It's fun. It's really hard. I used to be really good at it and I was the happiest(and most popular) I've ever been. Honestly, give someone a smile, or hold a door open! It's worth it. Just stop separating yourself from those that are different just because they are slightly different. You all have more in common than you have different. Even if you are the staunchest right-wing republican, you can find something to love in the most left-wing democrat. There is something to love and honor in everyone. No man is so far in the shadow he cannot turn back to the light. Just stop, please?
Basically, why am I required to be open minded, and if not, "I am truly a horrible person." It drives me crazy. There is nothing in this life than a close minded person laying blame on someone for being close minded. Until you're ready to open your mind to all the possibilities on this earth, you have no room to judge. Since no man can possibly comprehend all possibilities of righteousness, wickedness, happiness, sorrow, courage, fear, faith, desire, greed, pride, jealousy, charity, or any other possible emotion, virtue, or sin. Then continue to seek and give comfort to those around you. Find the familiar to love, and the differences to respect. I'm not perfect in this at all. The first time I found myself as a minority in any way shape or form, I was uncomfortable. In time though, I was able to grow to love them and see how they are NOT at all different. As long as you are not building walls around yourself you can bring people together despite their walls. Most people are not strong enough to remain alone and indifferent when shown compassion and trust. Show that compassion and trust, let your own guard down sometimes. Stop hating and distrusting. Do everything within your power to love someone. Anyone. So a kindness to someone you've never met! It's fun. It's really hard. I used to be really good at it and I was the happiest(and most popular) I've ever been. Honestly, give someone a smile, or hold a door open! It's worth it. Just stop separating yourself from those that are different just because they are slightly different. You all have more in common than you have different. Even if you are the staunchest right-wing republican, you can find something to love in the most left-wing democrat. There is something to love and honor in everyone. No man is so far in the shadow he cannot turn back to the light. Just stop, please?
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