Junior High

Once upon a time I was in a play with a younger sister of a girl I thought was pretty in junior high school. Does this have any real significance to life? No, not really. But it got me thinking about who I was in junior high, and wondering how I'm different and the journey that got me here. Now I know, that's what I'm always thinking about, especially on my blog...about my journey called life.. but this feels different. Because  I realized that in junior high, I was always alone in a crowd of people, too afraid to be alone and too afraid to let people in. Am I different now?

The short answer? Yes, very much so. The long, complicated answer involving a therapist. Not really. Have I allowed people into my life? Definitely, I have an abundance of people that love and care for me and a just as great abundance of people to love and care for. So much so that there are times in my life that I long for solitude and indifference because I didn't know what happier felt like so I was quite content to stroll along that path completely indifferent to happiness and misery. Though, I was probably miserable, which is why there were times I wished death; but there were also times of joy.

The first thing that comes to my mind with both of those was my friend Jared Anderson. Honestly, when his death was announced over the intercom at school I didn't know his last name and so it hardly phased me. Then someone pointed out to me, that this was the Jared from our football team. One of my only friends, someone who I had been myself around. Someone that I talked to openly, freely, and often with. This had happened very rarely in my life. (for those of you not aware, I was perhaps one of the shyest children ever. Now I'm aware that I was also one of the most anxious children ever, hence my shyness) In 7th grade I didn't talk to people. I didn't talk in class, in the halls, or at lunch. I sat by people and I listened to their conversations and I observed who they were. In 7th and 8th grades I knew the names of everyone whose name I had ever heard. I knew things about them because I just sat back and listened and watched. I learned what a 7th grader acted like and participated in those activities because..that's what I was supposed to do. I was not brave enough to do anything myself, I watched and waited till it was safe. (Thankfully I had a loving family who, while probably not understanding...bore the insanity that came with all of this anxiety when I got home. I had that release for a while at least, and while it wasn't ever pleasant for my siblings or their friends from the stories they tell)

Now that you understand why it was incredible for this child of anxiety to have a friend that he could be open with, let me share with you what brought him to mind. The two most intense emotions I felt as a 7th grader were the sorrow at his passing, and joy that I understood that he was with God. That knowledge was possibly one of the most important moments in my life. It allowed me the safety to continue loving. I don't know if that's strange to you or not, that the mere belief that he was with God rather than Limbo, Purgatory or the strange nothingness of absolute death. (The mere concept of which my brain cannot grasp, it just seems...illogical)

That small bit of understanding allowed me to launch into the next few phases of my life. I slowly opened up to the people that have always known me, eventually they became friends. A few of them said, hey, you should come audition for this play; only one of the most important moments in my life. That experience, allowed me to be confident enough in myself that when I went to EFY the next year(by myself, because..well asking someone to come be my roommate because I like them enough to spend a whole week with them was still completely out of the question) By myself, I entered into this strange U of U campus(because, I didn't want to be able to walk home...because I was so terrified, I might have) I entered alone, not knowing a single person there. I left, knowing the names of over 300(possibly 400) and with several friendships that would last at least a few years. These new friends and the confidence I gained from this experience allowed me to make the choice of quitting football, which I knew wasn't right for me. Not only that, but allowed me to enter into the strange world of marching band which my dad suggested I do because he didn't want me sitting at the house all summer. (Though, in my defense I was at least in a play too!) This action, is the 2nd most important action in school years(the first being to actually audition and accept that role) It shaped who I became, who I was around, and who my friends are to this day. My best friends are my friends because of marching band. The person that I would be if I had not been in marching band is inconceivable, unimaginable, and stupefying to even attempt to conjecture who I would have become.

Throughout the course of the next 3.5 years, I would open up to several hundred kids with whom I shared only a single goal and the hardships brought on by the "cruel reign of Lemen" (Whom was 2nd only to my junior high drama teacher in my list of favorites and reasons why I want to be a teacher) I hardly know any of their names, so few of their stories other than those they shared on that bus, or in that random hotel room.

It's just incredibly some days, to look back at one's history. To take the lessons you've learned, and see how you learned them despite the fact that you didn't know you were learning them at the time. How a few simple decisions can absolutely transform one's life.  

An article on same sex marriage.

I ask you to read the article first, then feel free to read my response and then please discuss, ja?

I’m Gay and I Oppose Same-Sex Marriage | Public Discourse

Here's where I agree with this article.

1. It discusses something that is very important to me. Cheapening relationships by making them increasingly and predominately sexual things. I personally feel it's an attack on all forms of sexuality. By forever increasing the importance of sex it continually decreases all form of relationships making them more difficult. From me being friends with a girl, with a boy, father, brother, sister,mother, son or daughter. By continuously putting sex in the forefront it cheapens all aspects of life.

2. It increases the role of government in a family's everyday life. I don't like that. My personal belief is a smaller government is a better government.

3. I personally have always agreed with the last paragraph, the family of a father and mother is the most successful form of "social unit." That does not mean success cannot come from other forms of the family, just that statistically it's the most likely to be a successful family. (Y'know, happy, send children out into the world that can then become "productive citizens,"...and really I don't know what else to add for a successful family, how would you define that?)

4. He acknowledges that good and happy relationships can exist in all forms. I believe that very strongly. There love to be found and love to be had for all.

This is his story, and I love it. Not all stories will end this way, not all stories will end my way. I just hope that our adventures can all lead to a place of happiness. Don't make your happiness depend on others, use your happiness to bring joy to other's lives.

Painting an alternate reality.

So, sometimes in life I get obsessed with could have beens, generally this is a source of anxiety. Today however, it's an adventure into my imagination.

Where this started? In my shower, today around 9:10 am. Why this came into my head? No idea, but I love it.

What if Rome fell to Hannibal and the Carthaginians around(my guess, too lazy to look it up) 200BC? 200 years later, Christ is born, but Isreal is occupied by say...The Persians rather than the Romans who never conquered Europe or the Middle East. Or perhaps Paul makes his way to Carthage instead of Rome, where eventually the emperor converts to Christianity, but Carthage's empire is based on the African coast of the Mediterranean. Their empire engulfs Spain, Southern and Western France, Italy, Northern Africa from Egypt to the Atlantic Ocean...but they've also expanded south down the west coast of Africa and North to England. Creating their own vast empire, but a maritime civilization rather than one that conquers vast amounts of land. Christianity spreads...but into Africa. After it's collapse, a great Christian kingdom arises in Egypt. 500 years later, about 700 AD. Muhammed is born, founds Islam; but rather than spreading west across Africa it encounters resistance from Christian Egypt. Instead it spreads North, and with no Eastern ROman empire, it continues to spread towards Germany, Russia, and Norway. Rather than Constaninople(or today Istanbul) standing in their way, the great border between Islam and Christian nations spreads from The Danube, the alps, the Red Sea and in Africa the great Christian Nations influenced by Carthage of West Africa are separated from the Muslim city states on the east coast.

In the picture, Red is the countries most influenced by Christianity in our world. Green, Islam. Blue is the dividing line between Christianity and Islam in my alternate reality. Orange is the what the Islamic Caliph would look like at the height of it's power(green - Indonesia and Bangladesh is what theIslamic "empire" looked like around 1300, add Spain.)
Purple is the proposed height of the Carthaginian Empire after defeating Rome, the star being the rough location of Carthage.(Rough location because the Romans so thoroughly destroyed it that it has not been found)

It's interesting to think where else this would lead. Perhaps African nations would be the ones to launch colonialism into the new world, where their diseases were not as efficient in wiping out the native population? The Aztec and Incan empires successfully retained their independence? The Iroquois Federation successfully establishes a hierarchy bordering an empire in North America? Perhaps white barbarians from Norway, Sweden, and Germany are imported into small island colonies in the Caribbean.

Or perhaps if history were to remain much more similar. There would be no Greco and Roman ideals of Democracy taught in a Christian America. There was no Rome and Greece has been an Islamic country for 1000 years at this point. Athen's Democracies are perhaps just a small blip of curiosity in world history without Rome expanding Greece's culture.

Isn't it amazing thinking about the lives that had lead us where we are? What if just a few things in history had gone different? Hannibal successfully sacks Rome, destroying the Roman backbone in the second Punic War. Rome eventually completely succumbs to Carthaginian endeavors and is destroyed so thoroughly that people today can only speculate on the true location of the city of Rome.