So, sometimes this happens ...
By a semi truck...Coming straight towards me. Me facing him heads on with nothing to do but wait. When this happens, I either swear or pray in a particular way.(Exact words were, "Oh, God" Seeing as how that's all the time I had) I'm not entirely sure which one you would call that because I don't think it lacked in sincerity. There was a part of me that said, "Oh hey, we're gonna be pals soon."
That was weird, because in that moment I realized.. I have absolutely zero fear of death. There was no, "Oh, what about the things I haven't done?" There was no fear, no anxiety, no guilt, there was only peace.
Now? I'm living at about 7 on my anxiety scale (9 being the point where I'm frozen and cannot move, a 5 being where I would live at before therapy) Everytime I close my eyes my heart beat jumps about 10 bpm. Fear and guilt about what could and what should I have done better? I just want to go away in a dark corner and be emotionally dead for a while because this hurts. I'm so beyond the point of being obsessed with the situation that I just want to shut down. Basically, I'm jealous of that moment when I thought I knew I was going to die. That peace, that calm, I've never felt that before. Not until feeling it then did I know I hadn't.
But.. I'm not dead...so that good right? Why don't I feel like it is?
PS. Physically I'm absolutely fine. Which is the best alternative to not being dead I feel. It sucks that my car is probably totaled, but... yeah...life sucks right now so that's gonna happen.
By a semi truck...Coming straight towards me. Me facing him heads on with nothing to do but wait. When this happens, I either swear or pray in a particular way.(Exact words were, "Oh, God" Seeing as how that's all the time I had) I'm not entirely sure which one you would call that because I don't think it lacked in sincerity. There was a part of me that said, "Oh hey, we're gonna be pals soon."
That was weird, because in that moment I realized.. I have absolutely zero fear of death. There was no, "Oh, what about the things I haven't done?" There was no fear, no anxiety, no guilt, there was only peace.
Now? I'm living at about 7 on my anxiety scale (9 being the point where I'm frozen and cannot move, a 5 being where I would live at before therapy) Everytime I close my eyes my heart beat jumps about 10 bpm. Fear and guilt about what could and what should I have done better? I just want to go away in a dark corner and be emotionally dead for a while because this hurts. I'm so beyond the point of being obsessed with the situation that I just want to shut down. Basically, I'm jealous of that moment when I thought I knew I was going to die. That peace, that calm, I've never felt that before. Not until feeling it then did I know I hadn't.
But.. I'm not dead...so that good right? Why don't I feel like it is?
PS. Physically I'm absolutely fine. Which is the best alternative to not being dead I feel. It sucks that my car is probably totaled, but... yeah...life sucks right now so that's gonna happen.