So I read my sister's blog. We have very different world views and there are things that she writes that make me legitimately angry. I love her dearly, though, and we pretty much always are able to discuss enough so that I can learn why I am angry and what made me angry and so that I can understand where she comes from enough so that I can learn to empathize with her in the future.(And also, to be able to calm down) This is my general reaction towards most things in this life, really.
As such, in general to start these conversations I comment on her blog. Sometimes that means I have discussions with people who aren't my sister. And this is how I came to learn I'm a "terrible, terrible person."
\This is not a blog post about the conversation I had, nor is it about whether or not I believe I'm a terrible person. (I don't) This is about my reaction to it.
Let's be honest, every once in a while for the past few days I have gotten painful bouts of anxiety and the repeat of these words in my head. It's honestly a terrible and painful experience for me to go through, because I came off as a terrible person while trying to understand a person. (Tangent: Part of how I work is that the act of putting forth the effort to understand someone makes it inevitable that you will love that person, it as an act of love to me; as such, I began opening my heart to this person because they confused me so.)
First off, there's the anxiety of "failure." I'm a perfectionist, if you're not aware; and as such, Doing things wrong really bother me. I don't like losing, and I in a way to make my perfectionism "safe" to me I make the world a game into simple "win" and "lose," this is a loss.
Secondly, there's the worry and anxiety of, am I really a "terrible, terrible person?" I don't want to be that and I get real honest pain from the fact that someone thinks I am. Yes, I know that it's ridiculous to think that everyone in this world can think I'm an awesome person, but whether realistic or not it is a goal I aspire to. I sincerely wish to live in a way that people can love me. My biggest plan towards this is to live in a way where I can open myself to love everyone, including, and most importantly, myself. (Tangent: I say this in recognition that that is not always a guarantee, but I also know that I cannot sacrifice myself for other's "love" because that will not be love.)
Lastly, I it's only bouts of anxiety because I don't believe it. Partly because as soon as my sister read it she called to make sure I'm aware I'm not because she understands me well enough to know that even from a complete stranger, that hurts me. Partly because I can look back and see that while I did misspeak I also was not a terrible person in our debate. I felt(and my sister confirmed) that I was loving in my speech and in my attempt to understand. I was I perfect? Clearly not. Was I me? Definitely! Was I, or am I, a terrible person? No, I believe I wasn't.
This is new to me, I think. From what I know of me, I was a bad muddah, who took no crap from nobody(10 brownie points if you get the quote!)...while still believing everything mean or terrible anyone ever said about me. The fact that they said that and I didn't believe it...feels new.
As such, in general to start these conversations I comment on her blog. Sometimes that means I have discussions with people who aren't my sister. And this is how I came to learn I'm a "terrible, terrible person."
\This is not a blog post about the conversation I had, nor is it about whether or not I believe I'm a terrible person. (I don't) This is about my reaction to it.
Let's be honest, every once in a while for the past few days I have gotten painful bouts of anxiety and the repeat of these words in my head. It's honestly a terrible and painful experience for me to go through, because I came off as a terrible person while trying to understand a person. (Tangent: Part of how I work is that the act of putting forth the effort to understand someone makes it inevitable that you will love that person, it as an act of love to me; as such, I began opening my heart to this person because they confused me so.)
First off, there's the anxiety of "failure." I'm a perfectionist, if you're not aware; and as such, Doing things wrong really bother me. I don't like losing, and I in a way to make my perfectionism "safe" to me I make the world a game into simple "win" and "lose," this is a loss.
Secondly, there's the worry and anxiety of, am I really a "terrible, terrible person?" I don't want to be that and I get real honest pain from the fact that someone thinks I am. Yes, I know that it's ridiculous to think that everyone in this world can think I'm an awesome person, but whether realistic or not it is a goal I aspire to. I sincerely wish to live in a way that people can love me. My biggest plan towards this is to live in a way where I can open myself to love everyone, including, and most importantly, myself. (Tangent: I say this in recognition that that is not always a guarantee, but I also know that I cannot sacrifice myself for other's "love" because that will not be love.)
Lastly, I it's only bouts of anxiety because I don't believe it. Partly because as soon as my sister read it she called to make sure I'm aware I'm not because she understands me well enough to know that even from a complete stranger, that hurts me. Partly because I can look back and see that while I did misspeak I also was not a terrible person in our debate. I felt(and my sister confirmed) that I was loving in my speech and in my attempt to understand. I was I perfect? Clearly not. Was I me? Definitely! Was I, or am I, a terrible person? No, I believe I wasn't.
This is new to me, I think. From what I know of me, I was a bad muddah, who took no crap from nobody(10 brownie points if you get the quote!)...while still believing everything mean or terrible anyone ever said about me. The fact that they said that and I didn't believe it...feels new.
