Things that Need to be said.

So, first off we're going to start off with an open letter to the People of Sweden.

For the most part that I can tell, you're a pretty cool people. You're stereo typically gorgeous, that's good. I'm a big fan of pretty people. You're really good at the Winter Olympics, which happens to be my favorite to watch. You've got some pretty amazing skiers, that's cool. Oh, and you've visited my blog 78 times in the past week. I was just wondering why. I mean I think it's cool. If I became a huge sensation in Sweden I would be totally okay with that. I'm just wondering what it is that you like about me.

Sincerely, me

So...that was my open letter to the People of Sweden, if you're Swedish or you know why my blog is suddenly popular in Sweden that's totally cool, but please respond in the comment section. Seriously, I'm like dying to know.
 (I say like because I'm not literally dying, you could say I'm figuratively dying; but it's not quite even that. It's akin to dying, but of a far lesser extent. There is a part of me that wants to know, and is in fact yearning and possibly starving to know but this distinct form of a lack of knowledge will not in fact kill me.)

Now onto Storytime!! .../Complaining time!

So once upon a time I was reading this book, it was a good book - not the best book I've ever read, but good. This book was part one of the Mistborn Trilogy by Brandon Sanderson. I started reading this book because I absolutely positively loved how he ended the Wheel of Time Series which is kind of an amazing epic.
 (Let's take a chance to marvel at technology, shall we? This book is a total of 14 books, 684 chapters, 12,000 pages, 4 million words, and in audio form 419.5 hours. One, there is the technology that allowed me to look that up in less than 10 seconds. Two, there is the technology that has widespread this to millions of people. An epoch that makes the Iliad look like a pansy. The Iliad is approximately 700 pages. With the Odyssey being even shorter, about 500 pages. I use these two examples because back before written word was common these were among the longest stories ever told. These were epochs that rightly took hours and several nights to listen to. Told by truly talented bards and minstrels that performed them in prose. Fast forward several thousand years to 2013 when I'm finishing the last book that itself is longer than the Iliad comprised of 14 books...each that is longer than the Iliad. This book, has been recorded so that we may listen to it wherever we have access to a digital media player. It has been printed millions of times and sold all around the world so that millions can share in this wonderful story of humanity. Thank you for taking this chance of a moment to marvel with me)

So...where was I? RIGHT! I just finished the first book, it was good but..kind of abrupt. So I start reading the second book..and I'm look WOAH! This skipped a whole bunch but it still kind of makes sense and it's really exciting so I'm totally okay with it! Until they start referencing something, and then I start putting things together... The thing they're referencing is the title of the (Now known to be) 2nd book. This made me sad, because despite the fact that I am now several hundred pages into the 2nd book nothing has happened that is nearly exciting as the first 100 or so pages of the third book. Though I am reading the second book much faster than I think I would have otherwise because I know what is in store for me and I want to know how Vin and Co. are going to get there!

Thanks for listening to my story. I hope you're okay that today was much less philisophical than many of my posts of late. It's just that there are things that need to be said, but the needing to say does not make them important. It just makes them necessary. 

Guys! I'm not dead! That's good right?

So, sometimes this happens ...



By a semi truck...Coming straight towards me. Me facing him heads on with nothing to do but wait. When this happens, I either swear or pray in a particular way.(Exact words were, "Oh, God" Seeing as how that's all the time I had) I'm not entirely sure which one you would call that because I don't think it lacked in sincerity. There was a part of me that said, "Oh hey, we're gonna be pals soon."

That was weird, because in that moment I realized.. I have absolutely zero fear of death. There was no, "Oh, what about the things I haven't done?" There was no fear, no anxiety, no guilt, there was only peace.

Now? I'm living at about 7 on my anxiety scale (9 being the point where I'm frozen and cannot move, a 5 being where I would live at before therapy) Everytime I close my eyes my heart beat jumps about 10 bpm. Fear and guilt about what could and what should I have done better? I just want to go away in a dark corner and be emotionally dead for a while because this hurts. I'm so beyond the point of being obsessed with the situation that I just want to shut down. Basically, I'm jealous of that moment when I thought I knew I was going to die. That peace, that calm, I've never felt that before. Not until feeling it then did I know I hadn't. 

But.. I'm not dead...so that good right? Why don't I feel like it is?

PS. Physically I'm absolutely fine. Which is the best alternative to not being dead I feel. It sucks that my car is probably totaled, but... yeah...life sucks right now so that's gonna happen.

Shameless Self Promotion

Hey! Good people of Utah! (If you're not from Utah, you're still cool don't worry!)

Thursday at 7 at the SCERA Theater the movie I just made is showing! COME VOTE FOR ME AND HOW AWESOME I AM!!! Please? If you do, I'll love you ever so much! So... come do it! 

Touching Perfection

“Singers and Musicians are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, they face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get real jobs, and their own fear that they'll never work again. Every day, they have to ignore the possibility that the vision they have dedicated their lives to is a pipe dream. With every note, they stretch themselves, emotionally and physically, risking criticism and judgment. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life - the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. Why? Because musicians and singers are willing to give their entire lives to a moment - to that melody, that lyric, that chord, or that interpretation that will stir the audience's soul. Singers and Musicians are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another's heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes.” - David Ackert, LA Times



I don't know whether or not any of you have ever wondered why I am who I am. This is one of the reasons. This is why I am in theater, this is why I want to teach. The moment where you touch, glimpse or brush by perfection on its way to the super market. That moment is pure electricity, absolute magic. 

It's quotes like this that make me realize I'm not alone. I may not be where I want to be and I live with the chronic fear that what I want is crazy and beyond my grasp. But those moments of perfection... They can define a person. These moments are not limited to musicians, actors, or even any sort of artist. These moments come from being a brother, father, friend, or anything really. That moment where you feel pride and can see that what you've done is good. When you can look into someone's eyes and know, that at least for a moment, they felt loved. That moment they feel hope. 

These are the moments people are scared to feel, because it allows them to glimpse eternity. These are the driving forces behind all arts. People listen to music to feel that closeness and understanding that these artists want to feel. People look at a painting of a can of Campell's Chicken Noodle Soup because... Okay, I still don't get that one; but it makes someone feel. That piece of art no matter how silly it seems to me has allowed someone to feel eternity. 

Hope is the feeling that drives us toward perfection. That drives us to live out our lives. With no hope the thought of eternity is one of Hell. May you one day Touch Perfection, feel that hope, understand God and believe in magic.  Maybe one day I'll be the one to help you guide you on your way with my music, my hope. I pray when I'm lost you'll help guide my way, and remind me of the times I've glimpsed eternity.